Top 20 Phone Tech Support No-No's
20. Try to sell home-made LSD to caller.
19. "Still not used to this whole electricity thing, huh?"
18. Proclaim your undying love.
17. Advise the customer to lick the power supply.
16. "So,what are you wearing?"
15. Constantly refer to caller as "Pumpkin".
14. As you look up a part number, whistle loudly in a monotone.
13. "You've got to be kidding."
12. "What you do is get yourself 50p and go and buy a clue."
11. Use baby talk.
10. "I don't get paid enough to deal with jerks like you."
9. Ridicule the inadequacy of the caller's system.
8. "Yo no hablo ingles."
7. Use metaphors based on your experiences with rabid dogs.
6. Laugh maniacally.
5. Twist the callers words to make it seem as if there is no
problem.
4. "You're screwed. You're just screwed."
3. Encourage the caller to pound on the CPU casing.
2. Try to set up caller with your second cousin.
1. "How the hell did you get access to a computer?"
~~~~~
Things to do when you're stuck in an elevator
1.Ask people on the elevator if they've seen the first part of the movie Speed.
2.Push all the floor buttons. At every floor, get out, look around, mutter, "Looks okay so far," and get back in.
3.Put notices in the elevators that read "Last Inspection: Passed. Next Inspection Due: Jan 87"
4.Use physics to determine how fast the elevator will be going if it free-falls from the top floor.
5.Countdown "5...4...3...2...1" and then suddenly duck.
6.Get on the elevator at the top floor and ask, "Going down?"
7.Keep muttering, "I hope it doesn't happen again..."
8.Have a friend with you, but act like he's a complete stranger. After a while, turn to him and say, "Wanna trade?" Then promptly trade wallets.
9.Replace the 3 on the third floor button with the Greek letter pi.
10.Put on a crash helnet, and take one of those mini-trampolines into an elevator. Stand on the trampoline, then say to a friend holding the emergency phone, "Ok, Dave, I'm ready. Let 'er RIP!" (This doesn't quite make sense, but hey, you can't have everything.)
11.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
12.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 13.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
14.Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
15.Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
16.Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
17.Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
18.Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
19.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
20.Enter the elevator with a friend and have your friend say "I'll take your case but why'd you shoot the guy?" Respond with, "'Cause he kept lookin' at the back of my head." (From AC Salzer)
21.Put on a ski mask, tap the shoulder of the guy in front of you, and politely ask, "Hey. do you know how to unjam a pistol?" (From Ricky J. Sutton)
~~~~~
Ways to annoy your Public Bathroom Stallmate-
1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,"May I borrow a highlighter?"
2.Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly everytime somebody breaks the slicence with a bodily function noise
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Damn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toliet bowl from a high place and sigh.eight of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa ! Easy boy !!"
11. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of yourneighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks
17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down you "Cross-Dressors Anonymous"newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
~~~~~
Top ten things you'll never hear one woman say to another woman:
#1. That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind
keeping my husband company while I go for a swim?
#2. Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I'll
go introduce myself!
#3. His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and
I'm happy for them both.
#4. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.
#5. He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him.
#6. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good
old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day!
#7. We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help
him with the color choices!
#8. He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!
#9. Why can't I find a guy who'll have a wild carefree night of sex
and then just go his separate way for once?
#10. I just realized -- my butt doesn't look fat in this -- my butt
is fat!
~~~~~
The Top 15 Signs Your Date's Not an English Major
16> She thinks Jack London is a character on General Hospital.
15> Has legally changed her name to "Slutty Spice."
14> Won't stop talking about the time he bit Holyfield's ear.
13> Wants to buy the novel of the Mr. Bean movie.
12> The two of you constantly argue about which "Homer" came first.
11> Giggles uncontrollably whenever you bring up "Moby Dick."
10> Thinks "Elements of Style" was written by Elsa Klensch.
9> The last time he completed a sentence, he was at Attica.
8> "You gots no condom, you gets no party", was your last clue.
7> "Of *course* I've read Walden. And it only took me 10 minutes
to find him!"
6> Ask her to conjugate a verb and she starts talking and belching
at the same time.
5> Doesn't have a lot of free weekends due to busy schedule as
NASCAR commentator.
4> Thinks "Beowolf" is a show starring David Hasselhoff.
3> Her favorite poem deals with a man from Nantucket.
2> When you ask him if he has any Grey Poupon, he says, "Hey,
don't be gross!"
and the Number 1 Sign Your Date's Not an English Major...
1> You: "Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day?"
Her: "Dude! That would be, like, totally bitchin'!
~~~~~
101 Easy Ways to Say No
I'd love to, but...
1 I have to floss my cat.
2 I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3 I want to spend more time with my blender.
4 the President said he might drop in.
5 the man on television told me to say tuned.
6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8 it's my parakeet's bowling night.
9 it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10 I'm building a pig from a kit.
11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13 there's a disturbance in the Force.
14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20 My crayons all melted together.
21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22 I'm in training to be a household pest.
23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24 my patent is pending.
25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
26 I'm sandblasting my oven.
27 I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29 I'm being deported.
30 the grunion are running.
31 I'll be looking for a parking space.
32 my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
33 the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
35 I have to fluff my shower cap.
36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39 my plot to take over the world is thickening.
40 I have to fulfill my potential.
41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
42 it's too close to the turn of the century.
43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
44 my subconscious says no.
45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46 I left my body in my other clothes.
47 the last time I went, I never came back.
48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
50 none of my socks match.
51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52 I'm having all my plants neutered.
53 people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My
Refrigerator."
56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57 my yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58 I'm touring China with a wok band.
59 my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60 I never go out on days that end in "Y."
61 my mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named
Basil Metabolism.
63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put
it down.
64 I'm too old/young for that stuff.
65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
66 I have too much guilt.
67 there are important world issues that need worrying about.
68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71 I feel a song coming on.
72 I'm trying to be less popular.
73 my bathroom tiles need grouting.
74 I have to bleach my hare.
75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77 you know how we psychos are.
78 my favorite commercial is on TV.
79 I have to study for a blood test.
80 I'm going to be old someday.
81 I've been traded to Cincinnati.
82 I'm observing National Apathy Week.
83 I have to rotate my crops.
84 my uncle escaped again.
85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
88 I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91 having fun gives me prickly heat.
92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking
for me.
93 I have to jog my memory.
94 my palm reader advised against it.
95 my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
96 I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97 I prefer to remain an enigma.
98 I think you want the OTHER [your name] .
99 I have to sit up with a sick ant.
100 I'm trying to cut down.
101 ... well, maybe.
~~~~~
Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System
1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted
to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as
floatation devices.
2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If
you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive
an extra pack of peanuts.
3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the
local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new
commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!!
Eject!!!!!!!
5. ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)
6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we
have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....
7. I'm sure everyones noticed the loss of an engine, however the
reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more
efficiently now. (ironic note: this is actually true for prop
aircraft!)
8. Fasten your seatbelt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal
driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)
9. This is your Captain speaking....these damn planes are a lot
different than the ships I'm used to..so you'll have to give me some
leeway......
10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades
and watched the inflight movie.
11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and Oh
crap...
12. Don't worry that one is always on E...
13. Get the parachutes ready...
14. Drinks are on me...or I'll have what the Captain's having...
15. Hey capt'n take another hit man...
~~~~
THE TOP 15 SUPREME COURT PRACTICAL JOKES
15. Out with the legal brief, in with the legal thong!
14. Leave the seat up for Justices O'Connor and Ginsberg.
13. Clarence sat through the entire morning session with an "Impeach
Me" sign taped to the back of his robe.
12. Rehnquist always sneaking references to Baywatch into his
dissenting opinions.
11. "Officially" changed national anthem to "Gangsta's Paradise" and
re-worded Pledge of Allegiance to say "One nation under Coolio."
10. Solemnly telling death row inmates they've overturned their
conviction and then yelling, "PSYCHE! Turn on the juice!"
9. Tell the guys at Court TV that the Supreme Court will rule on the
existence or nonexistence of Santa Claus.
8. Load everybody into Souter's Taurus and drive by Bork's house
blasting Aerosmith and honking the horn.
7. Secretly replacing the courtroom's Secret Service guard with Rusty
the Bailiff.
6. Calling up Dominoes and sending 55 pizzas to the White House when
the President is hosting a State Dinner.
5. Replace U.S. law books with Singapore law books and watch the
wackiness ensue.
4. Can of white paint over Justice Thomas' chamber door just as funny
now as it's always been.
3. Spend a couple of days on your deathbed, just to get the
President's hopes up.
2. Announce the decision to hear the controversial case of Spy vs.
Spy.
1. Radio-controlled "whack-a-mole" too much for any gavel-holding
judge to resist.
~~~~~
45 Fun Things to Do on a Paper You Don't Care About
1. Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big
fonts with really small fonts.
2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.
3. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in
by sticking them all over the professor's door.
4. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the
names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your
roommate led the Spanish Armada.
5. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss
whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.
6. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and
sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.
7. End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds".
8. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to
keep your dog from eating it.
9. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you
can't do the paper because you're not sure if the class
really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions
created by your subconscious. If you do end up writing the
paper, write about whether or not the paper actually exists.
10. If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of what
the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a picture
is worth 1000 words, right?
11. Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer
crashed while you were printing it, and you couldn't retrieve the
original.
12. Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your
bibliography.
13. Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the pages
of the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor's
desk.
14. The night before the paper is due, call the professor and
explain that you can't turn your paper in because it contains
sensitive military information and is only available on a "need to
know" basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get
an 'A'.
15. Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say
that you were trying to get the feel for the period.
16. Turn in a letter you wrote to your cousin. When the teacher
confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the
letter and the paper mixed up. Say that you'll turn the paper in
as soon as you get it back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so
it might take a while.(This is a nifty way to get an extension.)
17. When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for
chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.
18. Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your
primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won't see you
until the next full moon.
19. Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say
that on the way to class, your dropped it in the street and
it got run over by one of those trucks that paint lines on
the road.
20. Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When
questioned by the professor, act like it's nothing unusual.
After all, he did tell you to include footnotes.
21. Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper,
perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the
paper and correct all your typos.
22. Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper,
opera-style,
and hand that in.
23. Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that
might cause a person to prefer anchovies.
24. Hand your paper in in a sealed envelope with postmarks from
several different countries on it. Say that you wanted several
different perspectives on your work.
25. TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee..
26. Get a large piece of paper or canvas. Smear paint all over it
and hand it in as your paper. Explain that the topic was such an
emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn't possibly
express what you had to say.
27. Compare and contrast the characters of James T. Kirk and
Jean-Luc Picard. Claim that one is actually Hamlet, and the
other is King Lear. Say that Worf is Ophelia.
28. Carve your paper on the bathroom wall.
29. Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you are a
member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the gratuitous
slaughter of trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in
writing assignments.
30. Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are quoting the
words of a well-known Zen master who was speaking in tongues at
the time.
31. Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if it's only
a few pages. Explain that it involved some very heavy reading.
32. Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were mobbed by
crows on the way to class.
33. Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text
overlapping. Say that that was all the paper you had.
34. Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller Light is
"less filling" or that it "tastes great". Also explain why
Aristotle would have taken the opposite view. Try to predict both
philosphers' reactions to Spuds McKensie.
35. Draw pictures of your professor in the margins.
36. Make your paper one long, neverending sentence that goes on for
pages and pages and pages; use alot of semi-colons, commas, and
other interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks [(for example),
an interesting one: the colon_] but never ever end the sentence
{[_-\|/??!]}.
37. Staple a picture of an academic building to the paper. Cite the
picture as a resource.
38. On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and
screaming, "I have a paper! I have a paper!". Run around the class
a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and
yell, "There's my paper!", then run outside to get it. Repeat this
all through the period, or until the prof throws you out.
39. Come to class leading a horse or camel. When asked to turn in
the paper, take it out of one of the saddlebags, then shoot the
horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to discuss it.
40. Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things. For
example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in
Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman
empire collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists.
41. Refer to all prominant historical figures by nicknames. For
example,
call George Washington "Georgie". Call Ben Franklin "Sparky".
42. Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w's
whenevew you weawwy want to type r's ow l's.
43. Ol, switch alound arr the l's and r's in youl papel, rike Monty
Python did in Queen Erizabeth the Thild.
44. When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the
outline of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand it in.
45. Spill a martini on your sociology paper. Say that you wrote
it in a bar so that you could see "sociology in action".