Editor's note: In response to the numerous inquiries we receive each month ("What
do I do if I start menstruating?" "Does size matter?" "Is it supposed to puss?" we have
decided to acquire the help of British consultant Auntie. All further questions
concerning maritial status, homosexuality, tattoos, nose picking, and abortion should be addressed
to Auntie and not to the editor.
Dear Auntie...
Auntie says...
Dear Auntie...
Auntie says...
Dear Auntie...
Auntie says...
Dear Auntie,
Auntie says...
Well, these are my real problems, I hope that the advice is helpful. If
anyone would like to e-mail me instead of this anon person who seems to
have quite a few problems then send it to me as soon as possible. Don't
delay, write today (gosh it took me ages to think that one up.)
E-mail Auntie with your problems (and leave the editor
alone).
Ask Auntie is edited by Dan Hayman
I am afraid to tell you this, but I am in love with someone over the
internet. We used to meet in a cafe at exactly the same time each day but now
she has stopped writing. What do you think I should do?
anon
Arrrr, you poor little cherub. I know that it must be hard for you to do
this, but you must let go. Perhaps his floppy drive has become too floppy and
can not longer write to you. Don't take it too harshly, why not just sit back
at your computer and find someone else, just don't fall in love with that
pointer thing on the screen, it never pays the bills at the restaurant and is
not a good kisser. Believe me, its like trying to get money from my husband.
I think I've fallen in love with my teacher, what shall I do?
anon
Another love problem, this time in the real world and not the cyber world.
Well this is tricky. You see, you can see this from two different angles. One
is that you are a member of staff at the school. If you are then you should
GROW UP. This is not much of a problem and I'm sure you know what to do. But
is you are not a teacher, then you could be a pencil and so you should go out
with your own type, but if you want variety, why not try a pencil sharpener
for obvious reasons. If you are neither, then you must be a student. This
does get a bit difficult as to what you should do. I remember when I had a
crush on my teacher. He was kind but very quiet. he would listen to all my
problems and never judge me. Later when I got my glasses, I found out I had
been having a relationship with a cupboard. So before you do anything
drastic, check he is not a cupboard, that is my advice.
I really do need some help. I really hate my sister, she annoys me so
much. What can I do to kill her?
anon
Sibling rivalry, this is what it is called. To kill her I suggest... No
wait. There is a better way. You must look at why you despise her. Everyone
hates their family at one time or another; I should know, I was brought up
in a family of 213 children. As you can see, we were quite a lorry load full.
We had to get on otherwise we would just eat each other up (not literally) It
is possible but you need to work on it. Give it a go, and see where it
leads (just not laying her on the motorway).
Everyone in my class is at least 10 months older than me. All my friends
are two years older because I was double promoted. What can I do to act more
mature?
Ruth Picsnee
Ohhh, a difficult one here. To make yourself more mature would be
difficult. I suggest growing a beard and renaming yourself Uncle Sam. That
should do the trick. I don't know much about double promoting but I think
its because you are cleverer? If you are then it seems that you are already
mature in my eyes, to move up a class can not be easy but moving down is
harder (same as falling down, especially stairs!!) and anyway what is 10
months between friends?
Yours forever...
Auntie