know it's crossed your mind at least once. Is there something wrong with
me? Am I a freak? Is what I do wrong? Am I the only one that does this?
Well now concerned people from every place imaginable are coming together
and discovering that they are not alone. The place is The Bathroom Habits
Study. It all began when I was talking to a good friend on the phone
one night and out of the blue he asked, "Aaron...Are you....are you a
checker?"
"A checker?" I asked.
"Yeah, when you're wiping your ass, do you look at the toilet paper to see
if you're done?"
My mind was racing. I tend to be a very honest person but for a moment I
was in turmoil as I contemplated whether I should admit that I did indeed
check. Is it wrong to check? It is kind of gross when you think about
it...but I had never thought about it until that moment. I felt a little
dirty. It was at that moment that I had to know. From asking around, we
have determined four major bathroom habits. The first, and most common is
the inspector. As described above, the inspector is someone who examines
the toilet paper to determine if further wiping is required for a properly
santized bottom. Some folks prefer to wipe their asses standing up, while
others stay sitting down (which can be further broken down into
sub-categories such as "sitter-left-leaner" and "toilet-facing-stander").
Some hastily crumple wads of toilet paper, while others take the time to
neatly fold it. Some people have no problems wiping more than once with the
same piece of paper, while many find double-dipping to be disgusting. Not
only did I want to find out how common these types of traits are, but how
they are related, especially between the sexes. And now you can help
unravel this greatest mystery of mankind by participating in my Bathroom
Habits Web Survey. Already, the survey has yeilded some surprising
results. So far 60% of respondents have been male. That makes 40% female,
which was much higher than I had expected considering that most females I
have talked to have been much less eager to discuss the peculiars of how
they wipe their butts than your average
bathroom-humour-loving-farts-are-the-funniest-things-on-earth-so-pull-my-finger
male. Toilet paper inspectors make up 81% of the participants....a
reasuring figure. It's nice to know that only 19% of us are walking around
with dirty assholes. What was shocking for a stander like me was that I was
vastly outnumbered by sitters. Only 29% of us stand, mostly males. A
modest 28% of the population wastes their time folding the toilet paper,
and an amazing number of us (41%!!!) practice the black art of
double-dipping.
As you can clearly see this is a highly informative topic which desperately
needs to be studied. If you feel like doing your duty as a resident of this
planet earth, point your http client at The Bathroom Habits
Study and go down in history as a pioneer...no....a Bathronaut!
The particularily sick minded folk will also be pleased to know that as a
side project I am holding a Bathroom Art Contest. Contestants are to send
in their artistic creations involving fecal materal in some way. I can see
it now. Still life: Bowl O' fruit n' feces. Or a country western scene
with little dressed up turd-men wearing ten gallon hats. So come on down
folks, don't be shy. We can't move on as humanity until we get our shit
together.
