So who is to blame for this vile stream of useless children who will continue to sap our resources until there merciful deaths? Some say the school's system failed to teach them basic skills and respect. Some would argue that T.V. killed the attention span and drove them to desensitized apathy. Even a few extremists blame the innocent parents, but clearly the problem lies elsewhere.
My friends, in hindsight, the root of this evil level in the American population pyramid is clear to me now. Breakfast food ads.
Mad you say? I think not. Let us look more closely at these "charming" buggers and see what those maniacs at Battle Creek were really selling.
First, the fine folks at Kellogg's. They were perhaps the sickest of all because no one has put out more evil cartoon characters.
Snap Crackle and Pop
Three elves that live alone and make cereal. I personally have no
problem with the portrayal of homosexuals to young children. In fact, I
think it might be a good idea to help break down some of the social
hang-ups we have. But putting a homosexual menage a trois on the air
every Saturday morning is a little over the top, not to mention that the use
of such blatant stereotypes can only add to discrimination. What makes
this so sad is that Kellogg's had the potential to dispel the hatred and
misunderstanding between the gay and straight community and instead
exhasberated it.
Tony the Tiger
Let's see, if you're a failure at life, then eat sugary white flakes; your
life will get better and you'll be able to succeed at anything. Can we
say drug pusher? And they wonder why steroid use is up. It was so clear,
and none of us saw it.
Toucan Sam
If that nose isn''t phallic...and he was selling tasty, fruity
loops...you do the math. In addition, the sterotypical portrayal of a
large nosed bird who is constantly hoarding from those around him has
potential classic stereotypical anti-Semetic undertones. It's really
sick that kind of thing still exists in this day and age.
But it wasn't just Kellogg's. Although there were fewer General Mills cartoons, they had some of the most twisted.
Trix Rabbit
Again and again, this poor creature would try to seek the only thing he
wanted in life. But again and again, those twisted and sadistic children
would refuse to share. And this was portrayed as fair and just because
"Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids." With these kind of reinforcement of
class separation and accepting your lot in life, is it any wonder the
youth of today are so cynical?
Lucky the Leprechan
What were those sick and twisted bastards at General Mills thinking?
This poor little guy just wanted to keep and protect what was rightfully
his, and those damn kids keep chasing him and either bullying him or just
flat out stealing the lucky charms. And who was the bad guy? Lucky! How
can you wonder why crime is up with these kind of role models?
Sonny
Sonny's tragic life revolved around Coco-puffs. He would do anything to
get them. When he did, he went into spasms and freaked out, a.k.a. going
"Coo Coo" for Coco Puffs. And this was considered a good thing. Can we
say increased drug use? How do the people at General Mills sleep at
night?
Post was another major player in the downfall of American culture; not many cartoons, but some of the most evil.
Sugar Bear
He would try to steal the cereal from Granny every chance he could get.
His portrayal as being super-cool made kids think it was cool to steal
from the elderly and disobey thier elders. One of the most blatantly
evil of them all; how the censors let this one by, I'll never know.
California Raisins
I can't put my finger on it, but there is something truely evil about
these guys. Maybe it's subliminal; maybe it's because they look like
feces. Who knows.
Now is not the time for retribution. Do not in a violent rage run off to Battle Creek to seek vengance, for the time is past. A generation is lost, and for this we must mourn, but now our job is to save another. We must stand up and shout "Never Again". We must petition congress for a ban on cereal commercials. Join with me by sending an e-mail to your local congressmen. You can find their address at http://www.hoboes.com/html/Politics/electednet/
Let them know that this must end. As Kool and the Gang said "I believe the children are our future." We must make sure they have a future.
