Rectmas

December has come and gone, and with it went the first offical celebration of Rectmas, the Rectatarian Christmas. Of course, it has nothing to do with Christmas since Rectatarians don't worship Christ (we do, however, dig the soft, romantic crooning of Dean Martin). Still, we needed a name for our holiday, and stealing from the ever popular Christmas seemed like a good idea and the best way to get a TV special.

So what is Rectmas and why celebrate it? Well, Rectmas is the Rectatarian answer to the ever popular Christmas, Hannukah, Kwansa, and Pee-Pee Day holidays which usually take place in December. On Rectmas, Rectatarians from all over the globe settle down in the living rooms, put on Motley Crue records, take off their pants, and eat baked potatoes and chocolate chip cookies in front of the fire. If there's no fire place in the living room, a fire can still be built or the television set's warmn glow can act as a substitute.

This Rectmas, Ishmail Alexander, my cat Koom-Koom, my pet monkey Mr. Whiskers, my mom, and a guy from down the street whose name I've forgotten but who I'm sure steals my Sunday paper from time to time, joined me in my living room in my spacious and beautiful Gainesville home. We had the traditional Raviolis and stuffed game hen for dinner, watched several matches of woman's soccer on TV ( taped, of course), and then proceeded to take part in the traditional pants off- Motley Crue listening thing. All went extremely well. Except for the brief moment when Mr. Whiskers tried to eat Koom-Koom, that is.

Now I think it is time that Rectmas gets an after school special or spot on several popular sitcoms during the holiday season. This year I plan to lobby the presidents of ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX, and UPN to place casual references to Rectmas in their December lineups. For example, on Ellen, Ellen could put on a Motley Crue record during a homosexual encounter. When questioned by her female partner, she could say, "But it's Rectmas, damnit!" Or on Family Matters, Urkle could be caught in the bathroom with his pants down and a baked potato in his hand. When asked what the hell is he doing, he could answer, "I'm not masturbating. It's Rectmas."

I think I have a good chance with getting one of the networks to jump on this idea of mine. This is America, after all, where every religion has a right to get on TV. We could also do an ABC after school special: "The Night Mommy Forgot About Rectmas." Or a Today show special, Willard Scott And The Rectatarian High School Band sing Rectmas favorites: "Don't Wipe Me In," "Rectal Man Is Coming To Town," and "Silent Night, Rectal Night."

Anyway, it's just an idea.

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