If there is any bit of sociology to be learned from prank calls, it's that all you have to do is give some poor bastard a little responsibility and some bogus title and he'll defend your store as if it was his own. Never mind that even though he's supposedly an "Assistant Manager" he only makes a little above minimum wage.

Say you call up a business, make some ridiculous demands, and personally attack the sales clerk's character. Just because he happens to be the unlucky sucker who has to answer the phones does not mean he should put up with completely out-of-line customers - especially since these "customers" don't even bring up their problem in person. Yet time and time again, minimum wage sales clerks accept the brunt of ridiculous, illogical callers, prank or otherwise.

Case in point, witness the following prank call transcript from a call perpetrated in the fall of 1996:

Byron, Camelot Music employee: Good evening, thank you for calling Camelot Music.
The Art of Prank Calls: Yeah, this is Camelot Music, right?
B: Yes.
AoPC: And ya got them new, uh, them fancy little, uh, Repeat Performer things?
B: Yes we do.
AoPC: Alright. Well I put one of those things in my wallet - erased all my credit cards. I don't know if it's the, the magnetism in it or somethin'. None of my credit cards work. Ya know, I got the thing, I go up, I swipe it - ahh!
B: Just a little punch card did that?
AoPC: Nah, not the punch card, the thing with the strip on it that you guys scan...
B: ...Oh, okay...
AoPC: ...demagnetized all the cards in my wallet.
B: Yeah, yeah. See, we don't do those here, so...
AoPC: Well where am I calling?
B: Asheville.
AoPC: Eh-ah! I know it's Asheville! Who am I speaking to?
B: I'm Byron.
AoPC: Byron.
B: Yes.
AoPC: And yous guys, you don't do the, uh, Repeat Performer things?
B: We do the Repeat Performer program...
AoPC: Alright, well see that's what I'm talking about, the thing's erased all my damn credit cards now Byron, now I mean, you gotta help me out here, I mean, I'm left, like, high and dry here...
B: ...Where did you get the card?...
AoPC: I don't have any traveler's checks, I'm down here on business, ya know?
B: Where did you get the card from?
AoPC: I got the card from Camelot...
B: ...which location?...
AoPC: Now that's why I'm calling you.
B: Do you know which location? Cause I know you didn't get it here. Cause we don't... what...
AoPC: Nah, I'll see you later.
(Had a call on the other line. We redial.)
Shane, Camelot employee: Camelot Music, may I help you?
AoPC: Yeah, I called a minute ago. I was talking about how the Repeat Performer card erased all my credit cards.
S: Yes, I believe I didn't take that call...
AoPC: ...Okay...
S: ...I'm a different individual.
AoPC: Well you may... lemmee speak to Byron.
S: Uh... Well, is there anything I can help you with? I think I'll try to be a happy mediator in this time, um, uh, I'm sort of... I'm Byron's superior, so maybe we could, uh...
AoPC: ...Oh really?...
S: ...Solve that between the two of us. What was the problem? He tried to explain it to me that, um, you had your credit cards erased by something, and...?
AoPC: Yeah, see, I came in there, right?
S: Yeah.
AoPC: And Byron gives me this card, right. He says if I have any problems...
S: ...Is it a solid white card? Uh, let's see. Solid White, uh...
AoPC: Nah, nah, nah, it's like one of these purple dealies, alright? Byron comes in and he says...
S: ...Oh we don't have carry those...
AoPC: ...He says I'm a preferred customer...
S: ..Ah!...
AoPC: ...He says if I have any problems, call him up, he'll help me out, ya know? I get the thing, all my freakin' credit cards are erased. I go to get gas, ya know, I think it swipes, it's very embarrassing. They're runnin' after me, they think I'm stealin' gas.
S: Now where was this that they thought you were stealin' stuff from?
AoPC: Nah, look, this is the gas station...
S: ...okay...
AoPC: ...because my card was erased by this stupid magnetic strip or somethin' on this thing.
S: Oh, well you know what? I can solve our problem and everyone will be happy. You know we, um, we're sort of a small store and we are not on the new, uh, computerized Camelot Repeat Performer cards. Our cards, that we give out at this store anyway...
AoPC: ...So you do give out cards?
S: We do give out cards...
AoPC: ...Alright, see that's what I'm talking about, the cards.
S: Well, yeah, well what I'm...
AoPC: I got one of these cards...
S: ...you said it was purple, right...
AoPC: ...it erased my credit cards. Yeah, eh...
S: It's purple, right?
AoPC: Purple, ya know, violets...
S: ...Yeah, well...
AoPC: I don't know, whatever you guys call it.
S: Yeah, well, I'm trying to... let me explain to you, cause I'm trying to...
AoPC: ...Alright, you explain it to me. Who am I speaking to?
S: This is Shane, I can ex...
AoPC: ...Okay, explain it to me...
S: Now, pay attention, cause this is really simple.You have a purple card...
AoPC: ...Oh!...
S: What that is, that is a new computer... the chain as a whole has computerized the Repeat Performer cards. But not all the stores give out the computerized Repeat Performer cards...
AoPC: Well I don't know, Byron gave me this card.
S: Um, no. He couldn't have. We never had any of the purple ones. We give out ones that are solid white. And they're not computerized. They have no magnetic strip. They're just a piece of plastic. Now...
AoPC: ...Wha?...
S: And we have never, never, not once had one of the computerized cards. We don't give them out. Um, we can't... we're not even set up to take them. We're still on the old cards, which are solid white, just a piece of plastic, no mag...
AoPC: ...Ya know, I don't even know what you're sayin' son, alright, all I know is that I came down there, I got the card, my credit cards are erased.
S: I'll make it simple then. You don't have a card from this store. Do you understand that?
AoPC: Ah, it says Camelot right on it there, son.
S: But you don't have a card from THIS store...
AoPC: ...You, you...
S: ...There's five hundred Camelots...
AoPC: ...You gettin' a little goofy on me now Shane. They put you in the manager, you're doin' drugs.
S: No, no, You, I... hmm... how can I make this any more simple?
AoPC: I don't know.
S: Let me say this one more time. You know I'm a college student, I got a pretty high IQ. Let me explain this in simple, plain English.
AoPC: Yeah, where are you a college student?...
S: ...this store in Asheville, North Carolina... [pause] now are you with me so far?
AoPC: Alright, I'm with ya Shane.
S: Okay. This store does not give out those purple cards. It never has. That's not us giving you the card. That's another Camelot...
AoPC: ...So you guys don't take responsibility.
S: This store doesn't take responsibility...
AoPC: ...Okay, what about responsibility...
S: ...Find out the store that you got it from, they can take responsibility, but that's not us...
AoPC: What about... what about responsibility for Byron sittin' there behind the store handin' these things out?
S: Byron... see you're not paying attention. I said we don't give out those cards.
AoPC: Hey don't tell me I'm not paying attention!
S: Byron didn't give out that card!
AoPC: Nah he was behind the store, he had a box of 'em...
S: Tell you what, tell you what. You come down to the store and I...
AoPC: ...Oh I'm comin' down!...
S: ...And I defy you to find any...
AoPC: ...Oh you defy me!
S: I defy you to find...
AoPC: ...Defy me!...
S: ...we don't sell any... we don't have them...
AoPC: ...Look I'm talkin...
S: ...we never have!
AoPC: Hey, I don't know what you got alright, I'm talkin' about Byron here. I don't know what he's got goin' on under the table here...
S: Byron... nothin's going on under the table!...
AoPC: ...Maybe I just will come down. You better watch your employees there, I mean you say you're the manager, but I think, ya know...
[Byron says something in the background]
S: Just leave it... I'm having fun with this! Um, you know, you're ta... I can't explain it to you any more clear. I'm trying to be patient with you. You know, I'm not trying to give you a hard time. I'm trying to solve the problem...
AoPC: ...Okay, I'm sorry...
S: ...I understand that you're mad, and I would be pissed as hell, if, if that card de-magnetized my credit cards...
AoPC: ...Alright, so you understand?
S: I understand that, but what you don't understand is that we didn't give out that card to you. How can we be responsible. This store, I'm not talkin' the company... I think, I agree with you, Camelot as a company is responsible if that is what has happened. But this store, Camelot #262 in Asheville, North Carolina, which Byron and I work at, doesn't give out...
AoPC: ...Byron, right...
S: ...That card. Do you understand that?
AoPC: So what kind of card do you give out then?
S: Uh, I told you, it's a plain, white, plastic card that has no magnetic strip on it.
AoPC: That's what I need to get, see. This magnetic shit's just fuckin' up my shit.
S: Well there you go! We solved our problem, I've been trying... I TRIED to tell you that, but you know... I realize that we're having a problem because we're having a miscommunication, because you didn't understand...
AoPC: ...Miscommuni, yeah, I...
S: ...We had the white card...
AoPC: ...You say you go to college, yet... I don't know. But, uh, anyway. I'm sorry. Uh...
S: ...Do you understand now?
AoPC: I understand, but...
S: ...Do you want me to come down, do you want to come down and I'll show you...
AoPC: ...Yeah, my name is John Ashton, uh, I'm comin' down, uh...
S: [Says something to Byron in background]
AoPC: ...Now what I'm talkin' about here is, uh, how 'bout you give me one of those cards?
S: One of the white ones?
AoPC: As a replacement.
S: Well, uh, I can't do that.
AoPC: Punch it up for me.
S: I can't do that. I have... I mean, I have no proof of how many punches to give you, because we're not on the magnetic card system. Where did you get the card? That's... do you remember where you got the card?
AoPC: Eh, I got it at some Camelot along the way. I mean, I've been on business...
S: ...You said you got it here originally, now you're saying you got it at a different Camelot.
AoPC: Right! Well, look I'm on business all over the country. I'm in Asheville all the time...
S: ...And I told you it was a different card and you lied to me and you said you got it from here! Take it to...
AoPC: ...Are you callin' me a liar?
S: No... you did, though! I'm not calling you anything. You told me on the phone ten minutes ago that you got it from this Camelot and Byron gave it to you...
AoPC: ...Oh, you want me to come down, I'm comin' down.
S: Well, you...
AoPC: ...I'm comin' down!
S: You come down, the best...
AoPC: I'm comin' down for you - you and Byron!
S: Well come down for [giggle] me and Byron. Please do, you'll make my night interesting. I would like to meet the man who I'm talking to, because you're not making any sense. I... I... and you accuse me of being on drugs and everything. I...
AoPC: On drugs! You claim you're in college and everything. What the... where you do... you don't...
S: I'm not in college?! Do you want me to take you to... you can come to school with me tomorrow...
AoPC: ...Where do you go to school...
S: ...class. I'm afraid to tell you. I think you're insane, actually. I'm afraid to tell you. I, I, I...
AoPC: Oh, I'm in... I'm insane... I'll come down... I'll, I'll goof you up.
S: You're gonna goof me up? Byron, he said he's going to goof me up.
AoPC: Yeah, you tell Byron. You tell Byron. You and him down there with your magnetic cards, erasing my...
S: ...I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what we need to do. What you need to do, and what we need to do is calm down. Why don't you come speak with our manager. Because I'm afraid that if you...
AoPC: ...Oh, I'LL COME DOWN AND SPEAK WITH...! Okay...
S: ...because I'm afraid that if you came down and talked to us...
AoPC: ...I'm comin' down!...
S: ...it would get out of hand, and someone would go insane. Whether it be one of the three of us...
AoPC: ...Go, insane, yeah, someone might get 36 stitches in their face!
S: Stitches in my face...
AoPC: ...Nah, uh, somebody.
S: Did you just threaten me?...
AoPC: ...Nah, that's not...
S: Is that a threat? Are you, is that?
AoPC: Hey, don't threaten me!
S: Hey, I never threatened you!
AoPC: You're talking about me comin' down and startin' trouble!
S: Isn't that what you said you were going to do?
AoPC: Hey, I didn't say it, you're the one who said it pal, it doesn't make good business...
S: ...You said you were going to come down and put stitches in my face...
AoPC: ...that doesn't make good business sense to me, comin'...
S: ...am I not understanding you right?...
AoPC: ...givin' me threat, yeah, you're gonna put...
S: ...Are we speaking different languages...
AoPC: ...Hey, don't talk about puttin'... stitches in my face, boy, I'll, aww...
S: ...I didn't, that's what you said to me!
AoPC: Hey, I'm on business. I work for Smith and Wesson...
S: Hey I gotta go. You're on drugs, dude.
click.

All Shane really had to do was say, "Sure, come on down, I'll give you a few free punches on your card." If the insane jackass on the other end was real and actually came down to the store, giving him a few free punches is no skin off Shane's back. It really doesn't hurt the Camelot Corporation either.

Or if, as was really the case that brisk autumn day, it was a prank call, then the caller would have had nowhere to go. "Fine, come on down. We always like to make sure our customers are happy."

What could be said in response? There's no argument left. Yet instead, Shane spends ten minutes arguing with this completely illogical, absurd man, to defend some unimportant corporate policy.

None of this is to say that there's anything wrong with minimum wage jobs - we all do what we have to do to pay the bills. It's just that your average corporation gets far more than it's money's worth in loyalty out of its front line people. As a service worker, you have to choose your battles wisely.

You can be damn sure that the owner or manager of the store wouldn't put up with that bullshit. In another call, the same sort of hooligan speaks with the owner of a company that sells garage door openers. The caller incredulously asks why the owner sold him a garage door opener to would open his garage - when the "garage door opener" he refers to is just the remote control unit, and there is no motor installed to actually lift the garage door.

The owner gets pissed off through this arduous call, no doubt. But in the end, he was not scared to tell the us to fuck off and take our dumb asses to Lowes. Really, is a few bucks of business with rude, asinine customers really worth listening to them rant, rave, and insult you?

Just for the record, remember the following rules about prank calls: Don't impersonate anybody important, like the police or the FBI. Don't make any real threats over the phone, and don't do anything obscene. The number one rule is to always be able to truly be the person who you say you are. Because, really, in both the "Byron" and "Garage Door Opener" calls, we've been really annoying, but no one is really hurt by it. Real people are much stupider and probably call both these businesses daily with problems ten times as moronic as anything we could think of.

For more information about what is okay on the phone and what is not, plus more prank call hilarity and/or aggravation, check out the FAQ at The Art of Prank Calls, as well as Prantagonize Magazine. The transcript in this article is presented for purposes of humor only. Yellow Dog Magazine and the Art of Prank Calls are not responsible for any problems that you bring on yourself by doing something stupid or illegal on the phone. No Camelot employees were harmed during the making of this phone call.

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