ELINOR: Hello I am Elinor Dashwood. I'm in love with Edward Ferrars, my sister-and-law's brother.

Marianne enters.

MARIANNE: Do you think I look like Kate Winslet? Oh Willoughby, oh Willoughby!

Marianne trips and falls.

WILLOUGHBY: Here I am to save you dearest, Marianne! We must get you out of this rain, out of this cold, wet, damp rain or you could die!

Willoughby helps Marianne to a couch and covers her with a blanket. Willoughby exits.

ELINOR: As I was saying, I am in love with Edward. But he is engaged to Lucy Steele, who thinks I am her confidante. Oh dearest, Marianne, how are you feeling?

Margaret jumps up from the couch to Elinor's surprise. Elinor screams.

ELINOR: Margaret!

MARGARET: I'm one of the Dashwood sisters too!! Why does Jane Austen ignore me for most of the book? I am probably the most important character, if she would only take a look at me. Why, I'm the youngest and the most vivacious!

ELINOR: More vivacious than Marianne?

Margaret exits. Willoughby enters. Marianne reenters instantly and meets Willoughby.

MARIANNE: Willoughby!

WILLOUGHBY: Marianne!

MARIANNE and WILLOUGHBY: At last!

WILLOUGHBY: I shall read your favorite Shakespeare sonnet.

MARIANNE: I shall fall in love with you.

WILLOUGHBY: I loathe what has happened. It seems I have been disinherited of my fortune and I cannot marry you.

MARIANNE: Why not?

WILLOUGHBY: Well it seems I cheated on you and got this other girl pregnant. But I love you, I love you, I dearly love you. Don't ever doubt my fondest love for a moment.

Marianne falls on couch. Willoughby exits. Marianne starts crying and blows her nose.

ELINOR: Dearest Marianne, don't die. You know Willoughby loves you, but he couldn't support you, now that he is penniless. I've gone through a lot too, you know! Edward led me on to believe he loved me while he knew all along that he and Lucy Steele were to be married. Oh dearest, Marianne, don't die!

Marianne screams.

MARIANNE: I just dreamt a ghastly dream. Willoughby could not marry me, and I was forced to marry that stinky, old Colonel Brandon for money!

ELINOR: Why, it's true, Marianne. He is the only honorable candidate for marriage you have left.

Marianne screams and falls back asleep. Colonel Brandon enters.

COLONEL BRANDON: Oh dear Marianne, it is me, Colonel Brandon. Don't die. Please don't. If you marry me, I assure you wealth and maybe a little bit of happiness. I know I am old enough to be your father, but how fortunate you have me as a suitor instead of none at all! Will you marry me?

MARIANNE: Yes. (to Elinor) Elinor, I am much better now. I am to wed Colonel Brandon and I think he loves me. He will do.

Colonel Brandon exits. Marianne narrates.

MARIANNE: And so it reached the Dashwood household that Mr. Ferrars and Lucy Steele were finally married.

Marianne exits.

ELINOR: No! No! Lucy Steele is married to Edward. It cannot be so!

EDWARD: Elinor! Greetings.

ELINOR: I congratulate you on your marriage sir.

EDWARD: What are you talking about?

ELINOR: Mrs. Ferrars? Lucy Steele? Mrs. Edward Ferrars?

EDWARD: I believe you are wrong. It turns out she fancied my brother Robert, over me. We are free to marry!

ELINOR: Oh happy day! And Marianne is to wed Colonel Brandon.

EDWARD: Oh, that old bloke?

ELINOR: Pardon me, Mr. Ferrars, but I believe since we are poor and do not have much choice in the matter of marriage, you should not make fun of us.

EDWARD: Excuse me, dearest Miss Dashwood.

ELINOR: Not Miss Dashwood for long! Ha ha!

Elinor and Edward exit.