Everyone has gotten a call from a telemarketer. The new Scourge of the
Telephone System. Previously when the phone rang, you always wondered
if it was someone you knew, or another person with something to sell.
Well, the time has come to turn the tables. We need to take control of
our own phones. We need to take the "market" out of Telemarketing.
Premise: Telemarketers take the brute force approach to making sales.
If you talk to a whole bunch of people, someone will buy
what you are selling.
Counter-Tactic: Waste as much of their time as you can. For each
minute that you waste means several potential customers that
will not be reached. Make Telemarketing unprofitable.
Hanging up only increases the changes for them to make a sale. Don't
let this happen!
Hints: Most of the preliminary stuff is done by someone making
minimum wage, and reads a script. Let them finish. It's
easy points, and you were watching Seinfeld and weren't
using your phone anyway. It's easy to keep them interested
using "attentive grunting", similar to when your mother calls.
Scoring:
Basic Point System:
For each minute spent on the phone 10 pts.
Getting transfered to someone who makes
more than minimum wage 15 pts
For each minute spent on the phone with
person making more than minimum wage 25 pts
Bonus Points:
Getting them to repeat part of the "script" 5 pts/each
Getting answers to stupid questions 15 pts/each
Changing the subject 50 pts/each
Making the sales person angry 175 pts
Making the sales person use profanity 750 pts
Get their boss on the phone, and tell them
the salesman used profanity 1500 pts
Getting their 1-800- number 10 pts
Posting their 1-800- number to alt.sex as
a free "Phone Sex" line 50 pts
Checking the number a week later and it is
busy or disconnected 5000 pts
Example:
{Ring}
Me: Yes?
Them: Hi, I'm with Fly-By-Night Carpet Cleaning
and we're in your area [...]
[start clock->] Them: [...] would like to know it you are interested?
Me: Sure...
Them: Well, we are currently offering [...]
Them: [...] depending on the size of the rooms.
Me: Well, how much for the whole house?
[15 bonus pts!] Them: Let me transfer you to {???}
Them: Sir?
Me: Yes?
[25 pts/min!] Them: How large is your house?
Me: Oh, about 2,000 sqft.
Them: [...] Well, that would be about $xxx
[stupid ?] Me: It won't hurt the floor, will it?
Them: Oh, no! We use a [...this usually takes some time!...]
and is completely safe.
[stupid ?] Me: Even with my pets?
Them: Oh, yes. The chemicals we use [...]
Me: Do you have to pre-treat, since I have pets?
Them: Yes, and we do that with [...]
[repeat!] Me: But the original offer was for $39.95, does that
include treating for pets?
Them: [...]
[subject change]Me: Well, it is kindof dirty. The guys were over for
the game. Did you see the Cowboys vs. the Rams?
Them: Yes.
Me: What a game! That last touchdown pass! Wasn't that
a great play?
Them: Well, back to your house...
Me: Oh yes, what about moving the furniture?
Them: [...]
[subject change]Me: Do you clean furniture, too? Those guys spilled some
beer. Have you smelled old beer on furniture before?
But what a game, eh?! I couldn't believe that they
couldn't move the ball in the second quarter...
[...]
[angry???] Them: Ahem... Would you like us to come out?
Me: Well, when could you come out?
Them: How about next week?
Me: Hmmm... Morning or afternoon?
Them: Either would be fine.
Me: Do you have anything the week after?
Them: Sure, can I put you down for Tuesday?
[Okay, let's try for those last big bonus points:]
Me: Well, I don't think it matters, since I have all
hardwood floors here!
Them: Dammit! {Yes! 250 points!}
{click}
Based on a posting by David L. Cathey in rec.humor.funny