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You know you drink too much coffee when...

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You speed walk in your sleep.

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

You just completed another sweater
and you don't know how to knit.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still
is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself
from ten feet away
without using the timer.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."

You're the employee of the month
at the local coffeehouse
and you don't even work there.

You've worn out your third pair
of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator
to take your pulse.

You're so jittery,
people use your hands
to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

Cocaine is a downer.

All your kids are named "Joe."

You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.

Your only source of nutrition
comes from "Sweet & Low."

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You buy milk by the barrel.

You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You walk twenty miles
on your treadmill
before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars
before eating them.

You've built a miniature city
out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

When you find a penny, you say,
"Find a penny, pick it up.
Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."

You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

Your taste buds are so numb
you could drink your lava lamp.

You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.

People can test their batteries in your ears.

Your life's goal IS to "amount to a hill of beans."

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

When someone says. "How are you?",
you say,"Good to the last drop."

You want to be cremated
just so you can spend the rest of eternity
in a coffee can.

You want to come back as a coffee mug
in your next life.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

You go to sleep just so you can
wake up and smell the coffee.

You're offended when people use the word "brew"
to mean beer.

You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

You get drunk just so you can sober up.

You speak perfect Arabic
without ever taking a lesson.

Your Thermos is on wheels.

Your lips are permanently stuck
in the sipping position.

You have a picture of your coffee mug
on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You have a conniption over spilled milk.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

You don't tan, you roast.

You don't get mad, you get steamed.

Your three favorite things in life are...
coffee before and coffee after.

Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music,
and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.

You can't even remember your second cup.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."

You think CPR stands for
"Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

Your first-aid kit contains
two pints of coffee
with an I.V. hookup.