I sat here for awhile after hanging up the phone, Thinking of past hopes and dreams and the path I've followed since giving them up. Then lowered my head as the tears began to fall. Once I stopped crying I did as promised. I walked to the mirror over the fireplace, took a deep breath and then took a long hard look deep into my eyes.
I've always believed that the eyes are the windows to the soul and you can hide no secrets there. I felt happiness and despair as I looked into mine and found what was leading me.
I found happiness tangled with lingering desires of past dreams. The willingness to put others ahead of myself and waiting for what I want. A yearning for trust was there warring with the distrust and fear I feel. Vulnerability, hope and longing was there too, while frustration simmered.
I also found smiles and tenderness when I thought of those I love. An openness to give all I had to them without a thought to myself. I don't want them to feel any of the pain I have experienced and try to reach out and hold them close to protect them when logically I know I can't. I can be hard when hurt and used, but I try not to open myself up to that. A little loneliness is there, but all in all I'm happy.
Truth matters a lot to me, and I think that's reflected there too. I saw contentment struggling with something I couldn't quite grasp, A longing I couldn't quite place. I have trouble trusting, I saw that there. A restlessness maybe for something out of reach. Determination for what I put my mind to is there, as well as the beginning of acceptance for what is lost to me.
I see someone who probably doesn't really think enough of herself, I'm just plain old me--what you see is what you get. I don't think I'm anything special. Just me.
A desire for something just out of reach is there, yet I don't know exactly what that is yet. Fear is there. Of the unknown, of what tomorrow may bring, of hurting a loved one and letting them down and I see a small empty spot, a void I suppose. A slight loathing is there too. A loathing of what I see as my weakness and failures.
All in all I found a woman content with her life while still holding on to a dream or two. Someone who loves and cares deeply yet finds it hard to trust. One who tries to fill that small void with what happiness she does feel, placing a high value on truth and faithfulness. As to those dreams of old, I still remember them, but try and accept my limitations.
As I turn away from the looking glass, I realized I looked through my eyes and into my heart. I saw all the above and even more that I didn't understand. Things I simply cannot put into words just yet, but hope to eventually understand.
This promise was hard to keep, even harder than I thought possible. Yet still I kept it, and feel lighter for doing so.
All my love and thanks to this friend.
