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Title: A belated April Fool's Day treat for Diabolical Diana (at the moment, but 
I'm not exactly enamoured with it).
Disclaimer: They all belong to me! Do you hear me, Chris Carter? They all belong 
to me, dagnabbit! If you want them back, you gotta pay me for 'em! (Do you think 
he believes me, guys?) P.S. Chris, pay attention to the fact that Scully has HER 
OWN DESK!!!!
Rating: As PG as they come
Category: Oh, let's see... I wouldn't call it a funny one, although there are 
some funny moments. What other categories could it fit into?
Dedication: I hereby dedicate this fanfic to my entire AFML family, without whom 
I might have gotten better marks, but had less fun. :)


	"I can't handle it, anymore. She's just got to die," Special Agent Dana 
Scully heavily sighed, as she put her briefcase on her new refurbished desk.
	"Oh, yes?" her partner, Special Agent Fox Mulder replied from underneath 
his own desk, where he was picking up some sharpened yellow pencils that had 
mysteriously fallen there. His head then peeped up over the desk. "I know 
exactly what you mean, Scully. I heard her Titanic song yet again, as I drove in 
this morning. I wish her heart would stop already!"
	"I was referring to Diana Fowley, you nincompoop!" Scully exasperatingly 
replied.
	"What could you possibly have against that angel housed in a slightly 
worse-for-wear female body?" Mulder absentmindedly responded, as he decided to 
surf the internet for porn e-zines.
	"Everything. Come on, Mulder, admit it. She's been a hindrance to us ever 
since Gibson Praise and probably before then. She thinks she's all high and 
mighty, but she's just trying to get closer to us. Or at least you, anyway. She 
*is* in cahoots with CGB Spender, you know," Scully said, as she decided to do 
her own surfing on Hot New Diseases Quarterly (TM).
	"I never thought I'd hear the words "in cahoots with" cross your lips, 
Scully!" was Mulder's only response, as he became more and more engrossed with 
whatever was on his screen.
	"Okay, then, I'll say it again. "In cahoots with." The phrase is of German 
origin. Thieves in medieval Germany's Black Forest often shared cabins known as 
'kajuetes.' They were literally "in kajuetes" with each other," Scully matter-
of-factly pointed out. She continued in an uncharacteristically conspiratorial 
tone, "Say, Mulder, I know it's a little past April Fool's Day, but I was 
wondering if you're up to playing a trick on Diabolical Diana?"
	"Oooh, a walk on the wild side, to quote Frohike. Count me in, on one 
condition," Mulder replied, internet completely forgotten.
	"What's that?" Scully wondered.
	"Tell me the origin of April Fool's Day, since you seem to be so 
knowledgeable about origins," Mulder smugly replied, certain that Scully had no 
clue.
	"Origins, smorigins. I thought you'd ask me something more difficult. The 
most plausible explanation is that until 1564 it was a tradition that began the 
New Year. It usually involved a week of celebration, ending with a big party. 
However, the calendar was different back then: the New Year began on March 2, 
and the biggest party fell on April 1. In 1564, a new calendar made January 1st 
the New Year. People who forgot - or didn't realize - what had happened, and 
still showed up to celebrate on April 1, were called 'April fools.' Happy?" 
Scully rose to the challenge, and noted with satisfaction the surprised look on 
Mulder's face. 
	Mulder quickly recovered, and gave a slight smile. "So, what did you have 
in mind?"
	"Send her off on a wild goose chase, on the pretense that it's a hot new 
X-File that requires her expertise," Scully answered, with a sly grin.
	"Well, well, well. You really have it in for her, don't you?" Mulder 
noticed. "Let's hope that Diana isn't as gullible as the British Radio Norwich's 
radio audiences in the 70s, who believed a report that it was experimenting with 
"colour radio," and that the tests would affect the brilliance of tuning lights 
on home radios. Some listeners actually reported seeing results: one complained 
that the experiment had affected the traffic lights in his area, and another 
asked the station manager how much longer the bright colours he saw would be 
streaming out of his radio."
	"Yes, well, perhaps she will be as gullible," Scully mischievously 
responded, already thinking of her plans. "Now what I want you to do is..." 
Scully laid out her plan to an amused and increasingly interested Mulder.
	The next morning, a clanging phone woke Diana Fowley up at 3:24 a.m. 
"Hello?" her groggy voice answered, as she tried to silence the rude intrusion.
	"Diana, it's Fox. You have to come quickly to meet me at the Spaghetti 
factory," Mulder urgently said, trying to cover a smile.
	"It's 3:24 in the morning!!! Can't it wait a few hours?" Diana whined, 
slightly awake, and strongly annoyed. 
	"No, of course not. Do you think I would call you now if it could wait?" 
Mulder frowned.
	"Oh, all right. Say, where is Scully? Why isn't she helping you?" Diana 
wondered, starting to sit up in bed.
	"She's on vacation in Canada. Something about getting back to nature and 
her colder roots. Don't worry, though, she remembered to pack her snowsuit," 
Mulder answered.
	"Oh. The Spaghetti factory, you say?" Diana slowly asked, silently cursing 
herself for giving in so easily.
	"Yes. Get here right away. There's no time to be wasted. And Diana," 
Mulder added, "don't forget to bring a can opener and a water hose."
	"What on earth for?" Diana immediately blurted, but it was too late. 
Mulder was already gone. "A can opener and a water hose. For an X-file," Diana 
muttered, as she pulled herself out of bed, quickly pulled on pants and a shirt, 
and ran to her car, pausing only to grab the requested tools.
	It was a good thing that the FBI hadn't issued videophones to its 
employees, otherwise Diana would've known something was up. At the Spaghetti 
factory, Mulder was dressed in a chicken suit, calmly explaining to Scully that 
the Lone Gunmen would have been better co-conspirators in this operation.
	"Come on, Mulder, no matter what Langly might say, you are definitely more 
convincing," Scully replied, as she put the last minute touch on her 
preparations. "You aren't too chicken, now, are you?"
	Mulder smirked at her, and retorted, "This whole thing is for the birds."
	"Birds of a feather flock together," Scully reminded him.
	"And the early bird catches the worm," Mulder responded, as he noticed a 
car entering the parking lot. 
	"This is my cue to fly," Scully said, as she quickly ran to a room hidden 
by huge crates.
	"Fox? Are you there?" Diana hesitantly called out in the large warehouse, 
from the entrance. 
	"I'm over here, Diana, in the middle by these open crates. I'm not hard to 
miss," Mulder gave a sour grin to an overhead camera.
	Scully smiled at her monitor, from which she could see the entire layout 
of the warehouse, and the surrounding property. She noticed Diana pausing at the 
entrance of the warehouse, as if she were wondering whether to continue or not. 
She glanced back at Mulder, who had began to make faces at Scully.
	"I demand to know why you brought me out here this early in the morning. 
It had better be important," Diana angrily said, as she walked toward the middle 
of the huge room. 
	"It's extremely important, I told you that on the phone. Oh, Diana, I 
should warn you about the floor - " Mulder said too late as he heard a high-
pitched yelp coming from the general direction of the entrance.
	"What the - ?" Diana exclaimed as she tripped over a string that allowed 
green slime to pour on her from above her head. 
	"Bingo!" Scully quietly exclaimed. She smiled with satisfaction as she 
added, "I bet the worm has missed its native habitat." 
	Diana pulled herself off the ground, and tried to wipe some slime from her 
face. She continued walking to the middle of the room and found a slightly 
surprised Mulder. 
	"Did you have a nice trip?" Mulder asked Diana, as he smiled.
	Diana was not in the mood for jokes. "What is going on, Mulder? Why are 
you in a chicken suit? And why did I have to bring a can opener and a water 
hose?"
	"Nothing's going on. I'm not in a chicken suit. The can opener was because 
I'm hungry, and there's a lot of spaghetti in this factory, but I need a can 
opener to open the sauce cans. And the water hose is to water the spaghetti 
plants. They've been recently imported from Italy, to escape the famed Italian 
spaghetti weevel. But for some reason, someone has been stealing the spaghetti 
plants from this factory, and we have to find out who," Mulder replied, trying 
not to laugh at the slimy Diana.
	"Look at me, Mulder. I can't do anything looking like this," Diana said as 
she pointed to her slime-covered body.
	"Look at what? I don't see anything," Mulder looked puzzled.
	"The slime! What do you think this is, my usual attire?" Diana 
frustratingly replied.
	"Well, I know waking you at 3:30 in the morning probably might not allow 
you to look your best, but I wouldn't say that makes you slimy looking," Mulder 
said. 
	"No, no, no!! I am referring to the slime that fell from the ceiling and 
landed all over me!!!" Diana yelled, obviously getting to the end of her tether.
	"Oh, so now you're saying that the sky is falling and landing on you. 
Look, Diana, Chicken Little may know what you're referring to, but I don't. I 
don't see anything on you, and I'd like to get started on this case as soon as 
possible," Mulder said, in a business-like tone.
	"Are you blind? I am covered in filth! And you are a chicken!" Diana tried 
to knock some sense into Mulder.
	"I may be game for this case, but I am not chicken. And I am colour-blind, 
thank you very much for reminding me," Mulder replied.
	"Whatever," Diana muttered, as she conceded to begin the case. "First I am 
going to wash myself off. Where is there a washroom in this godforsaken place?"
	"I'm not sure, but you could use that hose you brought, and hook it up to 
a tap, if you want," Mulder suggested, in a conciliatory tone.
	"I can do that at the very least," Diana frowned, as she reversed her 
steps and grabbed the hose from her trunk. She found a tap on the side of the 
building, curiously well-lit for it being somewhat isolated. It almost seemed as 
though someone wanted her to attach her hose to the highlighted tap.
	While the tap itself was well-lit, the surrounding area was not. 
Consequently, Diana was not able to notice the dyed blue water shooting out of 
the hose. Within a couple of minutes, the chunky slime had mostly landed on the 
ground, and Diana felt decent enough to re-enter the warehouse.
	Felt decent does not mean the same thing as actually being decent, as 
Mulder noticed when she returned. "Feel better?" he asked, with a twinkle in his 
eye, not making any reference to the newly acquired colour in her cheeks and on 
her clothes.
	"Much better, thank you," Diana answered, not noticing the twinkle. "Now, 
you were saying something earlier about spaghetti weevils? I've not heard of 
these creatures. Are they native to Italy?"
	Mulder coughed to hide a laugh that was threatening to erupt from his 
throat. "Excuse me, must be getting a cold. Yes, the spaghetti weevil is native 
to southern European countries, particularly to those with climates similar to 
Italy. It is a nocturnal beetle, and is rather strange in its habits. Normally 
weevils are interested in things like nuts, fruits, and grains in general. It 
seems, though, that this particular kind targets spaghetti plants. Italian 
farmers have been valiantly attempting to ward off these menaces; however, 
lately they have become too numerous to handle. Eradicating them is impossible. 
Consequently, they have been attempting to export spaghetti plants to other 
countries. The United States is particularly suited to such operations, as we 
have a whole ocean in between, and no spaghetti weevils have been noted here," 
Mulder informed his blue colleague, as he showed her a video of Italian farmers 
picking market-ready spaghetti from spaghetti plants.
	"These creatures are horrible. So what does this have to do with us?" 
Diana asked. 
	"Unfortunately, those same spaghetti plants that the Italian farmers 
entrusted us with are being destroyed as we speak. It is not likely that the 
spaghetti weevil has made its way over to North America, although we can't rule 
out any possibilities at this point. But we need to find out who or what is 
responsible. We need to find out who is abducting food from our plates even 
before we've had a chance to put it there!" Mulder passionately announced.
	"Agreed," Diana echoed his sentiments. "And to think, I thought somebody 
actually manufactured spaghetti. But that video sure convinced me. Anyway, what 
do we do?"
	"We need to keep a watch out for the spaghetti snatchers, of course. I've 
alerted the local PD on possible suspicious activity in the area, so they'll do 
what they can. There isn't too much that we can do now, other than go out to the 
fields and wait," Mulder replied, as he got up and headed toward the exit.
	"Oh, my goodness, I'm all blue!" Diana cried, as she looked down at 
herself.
	"I'm feeling sad, too, but we will find the culprits, wherever they are!" 
Mulder valiantly said.
	"No, Mulder, I'm coloured blue - my clothes, my skin, everything!" Diana 
tried to explain.
	"Diana? Are you okay? I think you're seeing things. First you thought you 
had slime all over you, then you thought I was a chicken, now you think you're 
blue all over. I think maybe you should lie down for a while," Mulder 
concernedly looked at Diana.
	"No, we're going to get those stupid spaghetti snatchers, if it's the last 
thing we do!" Diana emphatically replied, as she too headed for the exit.
	As soon as they left, Scully let out the huge bubbles of laughter that 
kept threatening to burst throughout the conversation and betray her 
whereabouts. "Diana, you are so gullible! This is perfect! Now I need to make 
sure everything is all set up in the field!" Scully quickly scurried away.
	As the two agents walked out to the field, Diana's lips moved at a steady 
pace. "Mulder *is* wearing a chicken suit. I *am* blue all over. I *was* covered 
with slime," Diana chanted to herself, as if she were trying to convince herself 
of their validity.
	Mulder looked over at Diana, and could faintly decipher what she was 
saying. He smiled at the sky and silently remarked that there was a seed of 
doubt planted in her mind that needed to be germinated. And he and Scully were 
just the tools to do that.
	"This is very strange," Mulder frowned, as he glanced at the field. "Where 
did the spaghetti plants go?"
	"The spaghetti snatchers have already been here! Or maybe they're still 
here!" Diana naturally jumped to these conclusions. "We should see if they're 
still in the fields."
	"Good idea. You check this field," Mulder pointed to the one immediately 
in front of them, "while I go to the one on the other side of the building."
	"Sounds good to me," Diana hesitantly replied, a small frightened waver 
evident in her voice. As a source of comfort, she grabbed her can opener. It was 
the only potential weapon that she had, other than the water hose which was too 
cumbersome to lug around.
	As she peered into the darkness, she wished Mulder had told her to bring a 
flashlight. No doubt he had his handy, she thought, as always. She stepped on 
something squishy, but she dared not look down. She would find the remains of it 
soon enough in the light. Suddenly, she thought she heard a sound. She stopped 
in mid-stride, and cocked her ears toward the sound that seemed to come from in 
front of her. She waited for a good three minutes before deciding that the sound 
must have been her imagination, "Just like everything else tonight," she 
whispered aloud.
	She wandered through the fields for a few more minutes, wondering if there 
were spaghetti weevils here. "I don't think that Fox knows how much I hate 
insects of any sort," Diana muttered under her breath.
	All of a sudden, a huge swarm of weevils came out of the pitch blackness. 
Of course, Diana had no idea what they were, but she knew they were annoying 
little things that couldn't be gotten rid of by aimlessly swinging her can 
opener in the air. Logically knowing that, however, did not prevent her from 
actually following through what her instinct was demanding of her. Although 
Diana didn't know that the slime from earlier had been partially made from 
ground-up fruit, both Scully and the weevils knew that. And both of them were 
quite pleased by that. Unfortunately for Diana, there were still remains of the 
slime on her.
	"Get off me! Get lost! Shoe!" Diana flailed her arms, trying to get rid of 
the insects. She ran back to the warehouse, and looked at the insects in the 
light. "Eek! Gross!" she exclaimed.
	Mulder came running to the warehouse. "I heard you screaming - are you 
okay?"
	"No, I'm not okay. Those beetles are trying to attack me!" Diana said, as 
a few remained close to her body.
	"I don't think there are any spaghetti weevils here, Diana," Mulder 
replied.
	"What do you call this?" Diana held up one unfortunate weevil.
	"Two fingers pinched together?" Mulder asked.
	"It's a weevil, Fox. Weevil. Right here in front of you. Can you not see 
it?" Diana held it even closer to Mulder, her eyes wildly gleaming.
	"Quite frankly, no. All right, Diana. I think it's been a long day, and it 
isn't even fully morning, yet. I'm sorry to have dragged you out here. Why don't 
you go on home, now," Mulder put his wing, or rather arm around her shoulders, 
trying to lead her to the exit.
	"But we haven't found the spaghetti snatchers, yet!" Diana yelled, 
squiggling out of his arm. 
	"You're right, we haven't. Shall we continue looking for them?" Mulder 
asked, abruptly stopping.
	"I could go home while you continue looking for them," Diana suggested.
	"I could, but what if something happened? There's no one else out here," 
Mulder replied.
	"All right, have it your way, Mr. Identity Crisis," Diana sullenly 
replied, plucking some feathers from his suit. "I suppose these aren't even 
feathers."
	Mulder hoped she wouldn't think of tickling his nose, as he answered, "Of 
course not. I'm seriously getting worried about you, but let's find our 
culprits, first."
	They headed out toward their respective fields, again. Diana kicked 
herself for not asking Mulder for his flashlight. As Diana wandered through the 
field, she felt a bit more lucky, as she happened upon what looked like 
spaghetti plants. She decided not to touch them, in case the spaghetti weevil 
was lurking around the immediate vicinity. As she took another step, her foot 
kicked something metal. She looked closely at the object, and discovered a can 
that looked to be labelled spaghetti sauce. "Aha!" she thought. "they must be 
around here to eat the spaghetti right in the field!"
	She would afterwards wonder what possessed her at this precise moment to 
open the can, but she found her hands reaching for her can opener and starting 
to open the can. As soon as the lid was partially open, a huge explosion of 
powdery material landed all over her. As soon as it landed on her, she began to 
get itchy. The more she scratched, the more itchy she became, and the more 
powder got shaken into her clothes. 
	"No!!!" she screamed and ran to her hose, to try to get the cool water to 
wash away the powder. 
	This was the last straw for Diana. As Mulder rounded the corner of the 
building, Diana put her hands on her hips and simply said, "Let's go."
	"Whatever you say, Diana," Mulder replied in an understanding tone. 
	Diana picked up her hose and headed toward the car. "This has been the 
worst assignment ever! And you don't even believe any of it!" she exclaimed to 
Mulder.
	"I understand looking for culprits in a field at 5 in the morning is 
difficult. What's so unbelievable, though?" Mulder questioned, as she got in her 
car.
	"I'm a mess, and you deny it. You're a chicken and you deny that, too. 
I'll see you in a couple of hours," Diana left, wondering what just happened. 
She drove home, hopped in the shower, and went back to bed for a little bit of 
sleep.
	Meanwhile, Mulder and Scully quickly cleaned up the factory. "Do you think 
she believes everything happened?" Scully asked Mulder, as he tossed his chicken 
suit in a bag.
	"Na, it's too unbelievable. I mean, spaghetti weevils? Come on! Anyone in 
their right mind would know such things could not exist. I've got to hand it to 
you, Scully, it's a pretty clever idea," Mulder grinned, as he reflected on the 
events.
	"Thanks. Now I'm going to go home myself and see you later," Scully said, 
as she picked up her stuff and left, with Mulder following her lead. 
	Later on that morning, Mulder and Scully ran into Diana at the office. 
"Oh, hey, Diana, how's it going? Man, you look - are you okay? What kinds of 
nightmares were you having last night?!" Mulder greeted Diana as she wearily 
glanced at him, blue dye and red marks clearly visible on parts of her skin.
	"Fox, don't tell me you don't remember any of what happened this morning. 
And Scully, when did you get back?" Diana suspiciously looked at the two.
	"What are you talking about, Diana? This morning I slept in a little 
because the batteries died in my alarm clock, but nothing really exciting 
there," Mulder looked confusedly at Diana.
	"Where did I go, Diana? I went home last night, and got back at the office 
around 9 this morning, if that's what you mean," Scully replied in an equally 
puzzled tone.
	"No!!! I can't handle this! I'm going home!" Diana put her hands on her 
temples and shook her head. 
	As she headed toward the elevator, she turned back to the agents. "Fox, 
you wouldn't happen to own a chicken suit, would you?"
	"No. Are you looking to borrow one?" Mulder asked her.
	"No, just wondering... See you later," Diana said as her shoulders slumped 
even further.
	As soon as the elevator door closed, Scully turned to Mulder and gave a 
little squeal. "Yes!" she exclaimed, giving Mulder a high-five. "Just think what 
we could do on the real April Fool's Day next year!"
	"Just promise me it won't involve chicken suits," Mulder answered, as they 
headed back toward their office to begin official FBI business.

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Notes: This took a turn that I wasn't expecting it to at the outset. I started 
writing this a few weeks ago. Actually, exactly a month ago. I was studying for 
one of my exams. I basically put it down after that one page, and didn't pick it 
up again until today. Conspiracy, I know what you mean about not finishing 
stories. This was hard to finish. And maybe it's not even finished now. The idea 
for the spaghetti weevils, alas, was not mine. There was a true April Fool's Day 
incident in 1966, in which the BBC broadcasted a TV documentary on spaghetti-
growing in Italy. The film showed footage of Italian farmers picking market-
ready spaghetti from "spaghetti" plants. British viewers apparently accepted the 
news that Italy's "pasta farmers" had been able to fight off the "spaghetti 
weevil," which had been especially destructive recently. That's all I know about 
the incident. Pretty funny story, eh?