Good
day, eh, and welcome to the rest of our Top Ten lists, not
specifically having to do with the Queen of Slime, Filth and
Non-Recyclable Refuse.
You can read about Mulder and Scully, Other Characters, The X-Files in general, and Other Topics that have found themselves
to be connected to the X-Files in some weird and wonderful way.
And if you can't get enough of the putrid Fowl One, you can
always go back to her lists and amuse yourself again.
Or make up your own lists and send them to us. :)
Happy reading!
Top Ten things I would like to do if I were to meet either DD
or GA
(by razz)
10. Give them an autographed picture of myself. (They must get
tired of autographing pictures of themselves for other people.)
9. Ask them to take a picture of me. ("I would be soooo
honoured if you could take a picture of me." "With
me/us in it?" "No, there are enough pictures of you all
over the internet, but there aren't enough of me.")
8. Ask them if they'd take me out to dinner. ("You know,
I've never met Tea/Piper, and I would love to get to know them a
little bit. I'm a poor student, though, so I'm a little strapped
for cash, but I know you wouldn't mind picking up the tab.")
7. Ask them who the stupidest fan they ever met was and what they
did. (And if they mention my name, I'll tell them that I know
some of the writers personally, and they'd better be wary of some
future script plans. If they question that, I'll grab them and
put them into a headlock, while tickling them.)
6. Ask them if they would mind entering a DD/GA look-alike
contest, on the pretense of conducting an experiment to see their
world-wide recognizability. I would neglect to mention that the
contest involves some members of the older population who have no
idea what the show is, and they are a little hard of hearing and
seeing. ("Hey, sonny, you look just like Errol Flynn! What
did you say your name was? David Toofluffy? Sheesh, I wonder what
part of the Old Country his parents came from!")
5. Give them each a pet python. ("Hey, guys! I'm so glad to
have caught you. I was going to leave these by your trailers with
a little note, but it's much better that you're here, so that I
can tell you a bit more about their feeding habits. Why a python,
you ask? They're such lovable creatures, and they're great with
kids. I've heard they're an actor's best friend. No, that's true,
I really don't know much about them, but I don't own them
anymore, do I?")
4. Give them XF baseball/trading cards with my family and friends
pasted on them, overtop of the XF characters. ("Here are my
family and friends' business cards. I thought we were a very
unique family, but it's eerie how TXF is so much like us!")
3. Treat them like they're really Scully and Mulder. ("Hey,
Gillian, I've got some weird virus that I've never seen before. I
was wondering if you could do a complete examination of me and
diagnose it, tell me its origin, give me a brief description of
the epidemiology, and give me any other information that you feel
is pertinent in my case. But be brief, I have an appointment with
a specialist in about 5 minutes. He's had a bit more education
than you, but you're always so knowledgeable that I trust your
judgement infinitely more than his.")
2. Ask them if they could get me a date with the young guy
wearing the brown pants who was on the Dallas rooftop at the
beginning of FTF, who told the FBI people that they had to search
the whole building again. ("I'd soooo appreciate that. He's
so cute! I'd be eternally grateful.")
1. Pretend to trip and fall while coming up to them. Stay down
for a minute, as if having a concussion. Start to get up and fake
amnesia. Go off on a monologue: "What just happened? My head
hurts. Ow. Wow - you two look so familiar. I recognize you from
somewhere. From home? Oh, that's it! Mom! Dad! [Give them a
collective hug and start crying] I don't know what happened, but
I've got this ouchy in my head. Will you kiss it and make it
better?" If CC happens to comes by, pretend he's a close
uncle. "Hey, Uncle Bob, I feel even weirder than I did
getting stepped on by your rhinoceros last year!"
Top Ten lines
Mulder can throw at Scully in Arcadia
or Top Ten lines we wont be hearing from Mulder in Arcadia
(by Jolene and razz)
10. "Woman, bring me a sandwich."
9. "Honey, you dont mind if I stay out all night with
my new drinking buddies, do you?"
8. "Boy, this house is a mess. Shall I spend the evening
dusting, vacuuming, and washing the floors, dearest?"
7. "You know, Scully, this case is the furthest from being
an X-File that Ive ever seen!"
6. "Oh, look at that, Scully -- his and her bathrobes! How
cute! Kersh mustve picked them out."
5. "Shall I pick up some milk on my way home from work,
snookums?"
4. "I should dress like a yuppie more often. Im sure
itll impress Kersh."
3. "You know, I could get used to sleeping in a real
bed."
2. "I cant believe I thought what I had before was a
real life. This suburbia, with the overly sincere neighbours,
perfectly cute house, and suspiciously caring community is the
life. Im going to quit the FBI and become a regular
house-husband."
1. "Wouldnt Mom and Dad (whoever he is) be proud of me
for finally settling down?"
Top Ten lines
we wont be hearing from Scully in Arcadia
aka -- Top Ten responses to Mulders lines
(by razz)
10. "Sure, honey, Ill get you anything you want."
9. "No, I dont mind, pookie, stay out all night. And
if you happen to find a girl while youre out, try to make
sure shes having a good time."
8. "Oh, thats okay, honeybuns, I was planning on doing
all that cleaning before I made dinner."
7. "Well, you know, Im not so sure. I think
youre wrong, Mulder."
6. "No, I did. And I got Spender to come with me while I
picked them out."
5. "Oh, I know how you love picking up the milk, sweetums,
but I thought wed go out to the worst local greasy spoon or
fast-food joint tonight so you dont have to bother."
4. "Impressing Kersh? Heck, Im turned on."
3. "You know, beds are overrated. I love the couch. You get
good night viewing on the TV. I understand your fixation, now,
Mulder."
2. "I know what you mean. I love this neighbourhood, too. I
think I really will quit my job and become a spokesperson for the
Ab-roller. Ive noticed a severe shortage of good
commercials, lately."
1. "Oh, they sure would. I am, too. Now if I could only
figure out this electric can opener works, Id be
fine."
Top Ten Lines
that my Mind WILL Hear in Arcadia
(by Jolene)
10. "Mulder those are MY half of the covers, give them
back."
9. "WOW, you are a good massuse, do you think you could
apply some BenGay."
8. "I told you to have dinner ready...by the..... oh never
mind, you look great in that lingere Scully!"
7. "Scully, do we have to watch the discovery channel?"
"Mulder, it's educational." "I think think of much
better ways to educate myself...."
6. "Mulder! What did we say about the toilet seat being
up???"
5. "Mulder! I told you to knock before you come in the
bathroom!"
4. "Scully.... could you remove your head from my arm? It's
Falling asleep."
3. "My oh My." "Right back at you red." (they
have to put it somewhere)
2. "You dye your hair Scully?!?!?!?!" ( I know that was
sick)
1. "The truth is in me, Mulder, OH GOD!! the truth is in
me!!"
Top Ten Things
Scully Would Do To Live on the Edge
(by razz)
10. Call Skinner anything but Sir
9. Wear shorts.
8. Write graffiti on the bathroom wall, For a good time,
call the Foxy bloke at ------- (Whatever Mulders
number is)
7. Go for a day without wearing lipstick.
6. Take a vacation.
5. Not point out a scientific/rational explanation for a strange
occurrence.
4. Call in sick, while really going to the beach and
suntanning-without any sunscreen on.
3. Go to a UFO convention. (sans Mulder, of course)
2. Go out club-hopping and get really tipsy.
And the number one is,.... [Insert David Letterman drum roll]
1. Beat DBD up to a pulp.
Scully's Top
Ten Pick-Up Lines
(collected by Adrienne)
10. You'll have to excuse me -- Your presence excites me beyond
all capacity for cognitive discourse.
9. Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let velocity
and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with
you.
8. It's not the size of the wave, but the inverse coefficient as
demonstrated as the function of a variation on a curve.
7. Is that a general exposition on the theory of nonlinear
automata in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
6. Ever thought of donating your body to science?
5. Why dont we measure the coefficient of static friction
between you and me?
4. Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.
3. According to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of Quantum
Mechanics, we may already be making love right now.
2. I bet you want to be my next lucky stiff.
1. By visually measuring the wrinkles in the front of your pants,
calculating your body mass based on your height and weight, and
dividing that number by your waist size -- I conclude that you
have absolutely nothing in your pocket and are, in fact, glad to
see me.
Top Ten Pick-Up
Lines Suitable to Use on Mulder
(by Natalie)
10. Let's go pick out china patterns.
9. Would you like some iced tea?
8. Maybe we can prove Clyde Bruckman wrong!
7. Mulder, you're not a loser.
6. A man can't live by sunflower seeds alone.
5. Need a shave?
4. I've always dreamed about spending a weekend in Roswell.
3. Hey, wanna come look at my video collection?
2. Mulder, what are you wearing?
1. You're a damn good looking man!
Top Ten Children of CSM
(by Natalie)
10. Marlyn Manson
9. Jerry Springer
8. Puck - (from the Real World)
7. O.J. Simpson
6. Hannibal Lecter - (Silence of the Lambs)
5. Bill Clinton - (He gets around as much as CSM, he has to be
his pride and joy.)
4. Newman - (Seinfield)
3. Phoebe Green
2. Tea Leoni - (Sorry, had to say it.)
1. Diana Fowley - (the demon seed)
Top Ten Summer
Jobs CSM Might Have Had as a Youngster
(by razz)
10. What childhood?!
9. Chief financial officer of the local governments
campaign.
8. Newspaper route (but just what kind of media was he *really*
spreading?)
7. Tobacco farm worker.
6. McDonalds cook (you shouldve tried his special
sauce!)
5. Lemonade stand owner (but that was just a front for his
aforementioned media distribution)
4. Intern at the FBI.
3. Ran his own summer camp, for special needs kids
(children of high-ranking people - highly classified stuff, so I
cant really go into more detail).
2. Tutor in summer school. Class he taught: How to Get
Ahead in Life: If at First You Dont Succeed, Screw em
and Do it Your Own Way!
1b. Custodian at a Sperm Bank (think about it)(added by razz)
And the #1 job CSM might have had as a youngster,....
1. President of the NRAs junior branch.
Top Ten Gifts
Spender Would Give Himself
(since nobody else will give him anything)
aka Spenders Wish List
(by razz)
10. The alien autopsy video. (He needs to keep up with the
Mulders somehow, and Daddy didnt get it for him last year.)
9. An invitation to the Scully Christmas dinner. (He and Bill,
Jr. would hit it off so well).
8. A better job. (Who needs to chase aliens all day?)
7. A different enemy. (It is the season of Christmas and family
time, and those brothers Jeffy and Foxy should just let bygones
be bygones.)
6. Some good informants. (He never gets any good info from
mysterious sources other than his Dad, and he isnt so
mysterious anymore.) :(
5. A gift subscription to the Skeptical Inquirer.
4. The whole set of those yellow Self-Esteem for
Dummies books.
3. Self-defence lessons. Lots of them.
2. A date with the Una-blonder. (Shes hot!)
1. A life.
Top Ten Generic
CSM Christmas Gifts
(when hes in the generous mood)
(by razz)
10. A years supply of Morleys. (Really a month for
him, but for anyone else, itd last a year.)
9. The right to life. (How many people has he almost killed but
didnt?)
8. Copies of his personally autographed book that he published
himself.
7. Ashtrays with ventilators in them. (For all those Skinners out
there with No Smoking signs.)
6. Copies of the vaccine, but only to his closest acquaintances.
5. An all-expenses paid trip to Tunisia.
4. Keys to Mulders office and apartment.
3. Bugs/wire tapping equipment.
2. Information.
1. Access.
Top Ten
annoying personal habits of Spender
(by razz)
10. Cracking his knuckles when in an especially nervous mood.
(His toe knuckles, using his hands).
9. Flexing his muscles for five minutes every morning in front of
the mirror. And while talking to Mulder on the phone.
8. Adding an appendix of Dr. Seuss quotations to every FBI report
he files.
7. Sneaking in late at night to other agents offices and
adding Dr. Seuss quotations to their reports.
6. On his way to work, making sure he goes up at least one
downward escalator. It give him such a thrill to undermine
authority in this powerful way.
5. Picking his earwax, and categorizing it in his extensive
collection by date, amount, and activity at time of excision.
4. Stalking Krycek, because he really wants to be like him. Or at
least find out where he gets his cool clothes.
3. Going around the FBI building, and asking people for spare
fingernail clippings.
2. When no ones looking, changing all the screensavers of
fellow agents computers to the marquis with Spender
is the best!!! as the text. Its such a power trip.
1. Randomly calling strangers on the phone, giving them
Mulders number, and asking them to harass Mulder with bogus
UFO sitings.
Top Ten things
Charles has been up to recently
(by razz)
(Please note: this refers to Charles Scully, Danas brother
and not the Prince)
10. Working full time on the constantly-being-updated database of
CSMs children. (Is he helping in the family business?)
9. Taking the vacation his sister can never seem to get.
8. Courting DBD. Should I mention that he and Scully are not on
friendly terms now?
7. Being an artist in Washington, DC. Unfortunately, the FBI
isnt quite into his kind of art (caricatures of highly
sensitive/potentially explosive crime scenes), so he doesnt
make a very good living at it. It was he who put the
starving in starving artist.
6. Jerry Springers right-hand man.
5. Diligently researching for his expose on what American
presidents really do behind closed doors. Heck, even open ones!
(And you thought ole Billy was a wild one!)
4. Walking around big cities, as one of those people who
periodically points up at the sky (at nothing), and observes to
see how many others look to see what hes looking at.
3. Acting as an extra in obscure, unheard-of sci-fi TV shows.
2. Deck hand on the Carnival Cruise Lines. Since he dropped out
of naval school, his family hasnt been too happy with him.
1. Door-to-door trained fruit-fly salesman in Mongolia (and you
dont know how hard those things are to train!).
Unfortunately, these special Drosophila havent quite caught
on, yet, so hes been unable to afford an airplane ticket
back home.
Top Ten X-Files Spinoffs for the Future
(by Erika)
10. The X-Files, The Next Generation: It is the year 2093. Mulder
& Scully's great-grandchildren continue the search for the
Truth. Somehow, CSM is still alive.
9. The "I Love Scully" show. Mulder and Scully are
married & no longer working for the FBI. Mulder has aquired a
small variety show and a latino accent. Scully is constantly
whining that Mulder "won't let her be in his show".
8. The Spender Files. Special Agent Jeffery Spender starts his
own branch of the X-Files. The show is a flop and is cancelled
after its first episode.
7. The Fowley Files. Inspired by a famous web-page known as the
AFML, Chris Carter creates a new Southpark-like comedy devoted to
the Many Deaths of Diana Fowley.
6. The Spender and Fowley Files: God no!!! The horror!!!!!!!
5. The X-Files, Deep Space Nine. It is the year 2193, and the FBI
now has an X-files intergalactic branch, located on a space
station in deep space. CSM is STILL alive.
4. "Sein-Files" - David and Gillian leave the X-files
and Fox picks... Jerry Seinfeld?!?!... as David's replacement.
Alongside him, as Scully's replacement, is Elaine. Their first
case involves the return of the soup-nazi.
3. The X-Files Movie Series: Fight the Future was just the
beginning! Gillian and David are now in their late 60s, and Fox
just keeps pumpin' out the movies! Mulder has a really bad
hairpiece and Scully's facelift is too tight. They continue the
search for the truth, whilst looking for their teeth.
2. The X-files mysteries on A&E. Hosted by Peter Graves.
1. And the #1 Future Spinoff of the X-Files is: The X-Files Star
Trek Crossover! Mulder & Scully are miraculously transported
into the future, when they meet up with Captain Kirk and crew. It
is revealed that Uhura is really Samantha.
Top Eight ways to tell when your so-called x-phile friend is
out of it...
(by Susan)
Ok, how many of you guys know someone who says they watch the
x-files, but you think they're really out of it? Well, here's the
test, how to tell when your so-called x-phile friend is out of
it...
1. you're talking on and on about gillian and/or david and they
go "who's gillian/david?"
2. just yesterday they told you "hey, did you know the guy
who plays what's-his-name on the x-files is having a kid?"
3. they tell you they really love the x-files and when you ask
them if they saw it last week they say "i'm not THAT
obsessed"
4. they see the teacup pics and they say "eeww!! who'd wanna
look at that?"
5. they see the teacup pics and they say "that's a really
nice design there...where can i find that tea set?"
6. they see the teacup pics and they say "is that mulder or
scully?"
7. they wonder why you watch those special 30 seconds of
"one son" over and over and over......
8. they ask you why you watch the golden globe awards while your
watching it, then they go upstairs and 5 minutes later wonder why
you're screaming "nooo!!!! you suck @#$% you #$%@#ing jimmy
smitts!!!!!!!"
Top Ten Reasons
why Joan Rivers is such a $#&!
(by razz)
10. The surgeons whove performed her many face-lifts
accidentally cut a little too far, affecting the !#$%-centred
part of her brain.
9. She has nothing better to do with her time.
8. She only does it to impress all her fans (she, herself, and
well, that thing she sees in the mirror every morning).
7. She never quite got over her acting job rejections in life,
and now is taking it out on any poor, innocent and extremely
talented actors who happen to be successful.
6. It was her bad attempt at getting noticed by station
executives to replace Lou Snyder and the Late Late Show, after
David Letterman. (And obviously its failed).
5. In some horrible turn of events, a brain transplant operation
resulted in Rivers getting a really hungry T-Rexs brain,
and Mother Teresas brain instead went to an especially cute
(but unsuspecting) Koala in Australia.
4. Putting down other people somehow makes her seem that much
better to herself.
3. Since she wasnt able to have a doctors-assisted
suicide, she decided to get enough other people riled up in order
to have a back-up plan. Many other people would be plenty happy
to help out a fellow human being such as her in this way.
2. Shes just practising for her guest cameo as DBDs
mother in an upcoming XF episode. (The one in which DBD dies for
real!)
1. This was the only way people would actually take any notice of
her.
Top Ten Reasons
why Bill Gates (aka The Well Paid Man) would be a
fantastic addition to the Syndicate
(by razz)
10. The money must come from somewhere to afford those huge Jiffy
Pop bee hives all over the world.
9. He will add youth and vitality to the aging group. Especially
since they are possibly minus a member with the death
of WMM.
8. Viruses can be spread by computers, too.
7. The Syndicate is definitely incompatible with other ways of
doing things.
6. Hes getting to know a lot more about how the government
works right now. Think of it as an apprenticeship.
5. He would be the Syndicate version of TLG. (I didnt say
these had to be good reasons for everybody...)
4. He already dominates (controls?) the computer industry all
over the world. The next logical step is to control governments
and everything else.
3. His antitrust lawsuits would fit right in with the whole
mindset of the group.
2. He wouldnt be having any antitrust lawsuits.
1. With his youthfulness and money, he will surely lure DBD away
from Mulder.
Top Ten Reasons
why socks are cool in the X-Files
(by razz)
10. They kept Scully warm(er) in Antarctica.
9. When used properly, they could be very effective as a
Fowley-silencer. Further research will show their effectiveness
as a Spender-silencer.
8. TLG could amuse themselves with hand puppets, while waiting to
discover new news from Morris Fletcher.
7. If Scully happens to misplace her latex, she could slap on one
of these. (The fit might not be exact, but who cares?)
6. They may help keep DD from going through the same difficulties
Tom Cruise went through in The Firm. (Huge feet
problems from running in uncomfortable shoes).
5. If we happen to see a scene labelled as Scully or
Mulders bedroom, with the camera slowly panning from two
pairs of socks haphazardly thrown on the floor, it might cause a
little viewer excitement. (Nylons can be substituted for socks).
4. Socks keep your feet toasty warm. And in serving such an
important function, they have allowed our dynamic duos
worries about cold feet when going into new situations to greatly
dissipate.
3. Along with Langlys glasses, funky socks could become
another signature item of TLG.
2. Everybody wears them, from Mulder to Cancer Man to the
Syndicate members. They would make a great new tracking/bug
device.
1. They could become the new signal for Mulders next
informant. Socks in the window.
Now,
having read all that, you will surely want to go back to the top of the page and read them
all over again.
Or maybe you're done with the other fluffy X-Files stuff, and
want to get back to some serious Fowley-bashing.
Take your pick. Ice-pick, that is. ;)
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