Jan-Michael Vincent

Lost another tooth today

He fell off his chair

DESCRIPTION:

Former beefcake dreamboat actor; after substance-abuse-related accident deformities, has become frequent guest on Howard Stern and "Nash Bridges."

WRECK VALUE:

Broke his neck when he drunkenly crashed his car into his girlfriend's car; frequently appears on radio talk-shows in an incoherent haze; unknown as to whether he is brain-damaged or just really, really, trashed; was arrested three times in one month for public intoxication: "One arrest, he was found sleeping in a drainage ditch. Another one, he was found sitting on a curb. The third one, he was walking around banging on people's front doors," said Tori Richards, spokeswoman for the Orange County District Attorney's Office; frequently composes press releases, either by himself or via his "social worker," which either say he's "doing well" or "not doing well"; usually referred to in press as "Troubled Actor Jan-Michael Vincent"; claim to fame is TV show "Airwolf."

DEVIL'S ADVOCACY:

Was in the TV mini-series "The Winds of War"; used to be really hot.

SUPPORTING QUOTES:

"I was in a rehab, I was the only alcoholic in there. Rest of them were homosexuals, murderers, overweight people. Ah, I don't know. I was the only real, established and for sure alcoholic in the place."

"Wait a minute. I want to clear one thing up. I'm banging on this wood here. Listen to me. One thing I want to make sure it's understood. I never stomped no kitty! Jesus Christ, man, I miss my dog so bad and the kitty."

JOEY HEATHERTON

Fight at the airport?

Ev'ryone's bet safely placed:

Joey Heatherton

DESCRIPTION:

Swizzle-stick era sex kitten; Serta mattress spokesperson; actress in John Waters' "Cry-Baby."

WRECK VALUE:

More famous for airport fist-fights than for acting career; most known for airport tantrum in which she screamed "DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"; no stranger to cocaine arrests; was married to Lance Rentzel of the Dallas Cowboys until Lance was arrested on indecent-exposure charges in 1971, when he exposed himself to a ten-year-old girl; enjoyed mini-"comeback" when the media humored a rumor that she had married "Snuggles" the fabric softener bear; starred in "The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington," which would stand to be her most political work to date.

DEVIL'S ADVOCACY:

Performed in films with the likes of Richard Burton, Bette Davis and Traci Lords; used to be really hot.

SUPPORTING QUOTES:

"She laughs at silly tales of her smoking pot and doing a strip in a bar. Father Ray tells her, 'You don't have to be a kook'." - '60s magazine article.

"It's too much of a drag to come all the way back from Manhattan on the train with the drunks." - Joey Heatherton

TALLULAH BANKHEAD

Drunken Tallulah

Slurring every other word

"I want goddamn SCOTCH!!"

DESCRIPTION:

Southern fried stage actress and "Batman" TV show guest villain; socialite; soundbyte pioneer.

WRECK VALUE:

Notorious drunk and cocaine addict; was known to drink two entire bottles of Old Granddad per day; appeared stumbling drunk on "The Lucy Show"; her husband divorced her, citing "extreme mental cruelty"; described as "the most immoral person alive" by Marlene Dietrich; paid young gay men to populate her home, and referred to them as her "caddies"; once engaged her god-daughter in a makeshift voodoo ritual as an attempt to kill Senator Joseph McCarthy (McCarthy actually did die within a month of her ritual); once fell asleep with a lit cigarette and set her pet poodle Millicent on fire - when one of her "Caddies" discovered the blazing dog, he woke Bankhead. She responded by saying "Millicent's on fire? Put the goddamn thing out!" and then passed out again, as her bed smouldered around her.

DEVIL'S ADVOCACY:

Was a member of the Algonquin Roundtable; was nearly cast as Scarlett O'Hara in "Gone With the Wind"; worked with playwrights such as Thornton Wilder and Lillian Hellman; managed to get Greta Garbo, Billie Holiday, Winston Churchill and Hattie MacDaniel in the sack (not at the same time), perhaps winning her the honor of Most Bizarre Sex Life By A Trainwreck; used to be really hot.

SUPPORTING QUOTES:

"My father warned me about men and booze, but he never mentioned a word about women and cocaine."

"Cocaine isn't habit-forming. I should know - I've been using it for years.

"It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time."

"I'm as pure as the driven slush."

"When I was 16, dahling, I had a shoebox full of cocaine."

COURTNEY LOVE

Plastic surgery

Covers track marks like caulking

She and her doll parts

DESCRIPTION:

Publicity-friendly actress, celebrity Versace model and part-time pop musician.

WRECK VALUE:

Inspired feature-length documentary suggesting she murdered husband Kurt Cobain; allegedly took heroin while pregnant with daughter who would be named after famed lobotomy victim Frances Farmer; drunkenly attacked Madonna on-camera on music awards ceremony; frequently walks out in the middle of interviews; has had her track marks removed via air-brush for many magazine covers; chain-smokes entire packs of cigarettes during a single concert performance; often bares breasts during her rock concerts; frequently engages in long, rambling, angry rants while on tour with her band Hole; referred to former romantic interest Trent Reznor as "Three Inch Nails"; dictated a drug-addled discourse on the evils of cheese to Motorbooty magazine; authored countless hyper-dramatic, semi-literate rants on Internet bulletin boards IN ALL CAPS!!!!!!!#!!!; in her youth, bared an uncanny resemblance to Tina Yothers of "Family Ties" fame; beat the crap out of indie rock star Kathleen Hanna, which resulted in Love being sentenced to anger management classes; traded punk rock and drug addictions for plastic surgery and Jewish mysticism fad; continues to act out in public, despite her alleged sobriety; performed a role in Milos Forman's "Man on the Moon" that was so bland, Meg Ryan could have played it.

DEVIL'S ADVOCACY:

Used to have good growly punk rock voice; poses well with guitar; made retro "Kinderwhore" look popular; caught eye of Andy Warhol during her early days, snagging minor coverage in Interview magazine and Warhol's MTV variety show.

SUPPORTING QUOTES:

"The attitude is that Kurt's more important because he sells more records. Well, fuck you! Suck My Dick!"

"Drugs make you make bad fashion choices." - Courtney Love, from her anti-drug PSA.

"Make up your minds. Either you're happy that me and Gus Van Sant are from here or you're not." - Courtney Love, before walking out on her own concert in her home state of Oregon.

"I am hesitant to even ever wear fake fur to an event (wich [sic] I did once many years ago) as it would be miscontrued [sic]." - from a letter to Fur Age magazine.

"The welcome that I get from the grown-ups in the film industry is so nice. It frightens me...It's like being popular all of a sudden, you know? It's like losing 100 pounds in public really quickly and not knowing you did--and not ever knowing you were fat."

LEONA HELMSLEY

O she is so mean

"Mean" is the best word for her

Mean, and nasty too

DESCRIPTION:

Real estate tycoon, hotel owner, convicted felon. Currently enjoying life as a Z-list celebrity, alongside such luminaries as Tanya Harding and Joey Buttafouco.

WRECK VALUE:

Won nickname "Queen of Mean," which, while infamous on its own merits, also spawned the even more heinous soundbyte "Queen of Nice," which was awarded to the sugar-coma-inducing Rosie O'Donnell; was notoriously unpleasant to staff of her hotels; owned a mansion located at a place called "Mummy Mountain"; is a dead ringer for comic book villain The Joker; after her tax evasion conviction and the death of her husband, made numerous television appearances dressed in black leather, in which she would weep uncontrollably and make jokes about being so mean.

DEVIL'S ADVOCACY:

She had the honor of being played by the legendary Suzanne Pleshette in the TV-movie "The Queen of Mean."

SUPPORTING QUOTES:

"We don't pay taxes. Only little people pay taxes."