Sep-13-1999 4:38 am

Hi ____ and All, :-)

I've been catching up on some reading here in the forum as I'm a newbie. :-) And it seems this thread has taken some tangents here and there, but all the tangents have been in essence about hope and/or recovery. And, I thought I might add my own thoughts. :-)

Although I think I was sick with CFIDS for quite some time before I totally fell apart in 1992, it wasn't until 1993 that I finally received my CFIDS diagnosis.

It was a very difficult time. I either was in a deep hole, where no one could reach me, or peeking out, and feeling shame because I could no longer be the person I was... in fact, had no idea who I was now. And started feeling more shame... because I could no longer do my stressful, and demanding job... for filing a disability application from my work... and even upon approval of that application, shame that my pension income was only 40% of my average salary and greatly reduced my contribution to the household expenses. And I felt shame that I was letting everyone down... mainly my family... by not being the person I was before, and just 'getting on' with things.

Welp, enough of that! This message is supposed to be about recovery/hope! :o) I finally clawed my way out of the hole... but only with help from Upstairs. :-) A dear friend had given me a new Bible during this time, and I found that although I could not concentrate for very long, if I read only a verse or two, now and again, I would receive such a feeling of quietness... peace. :-)

Did my feelings of shame completely disappear? Were my thoughts about myself and the 'new me' now always positive? No, and No. Do they still recur? Yes, and yes. But, the hope and recovery is that they recur with much less frequency.... usually now only in very stressful situations and/or when I hit the 'down slide' of our CFIDS cycles.

And, now I'm able to feel in a way that CFIDS and the 'forced' time of contemplation were a blessing in disguise. I needed time to learn or 're-learn' some lessons. Somewhere, I had gotten off track in my life. My priorities in my old life were not what they should have been. This 'control freak' really had very little control over anything at all. I now value (or try to) every moment for what it has to offer. This is much easier when I'm in one of my more stable cycles of CFIDS. :o)

My lessons on life thus far have taught me that reaching out and communicating with others... lifting others up... making them feel better... valuing others... and helping others, is the greatest lesson we have to learn on this earth.... and the greatest gift we can give. And in the giving of this gift, we find that somehow... miraculously... we were the ones who received the greatest gift of all. :-)

I'm sorry for the long post. And I'll probably find that I lost coherency (sp?) several times in the posting, and cringe with embarrassment, but I felt a strong draw to add my thoughts. :-)

Thank you for starting this thread, and best wishes to all. :-)

Marcelle

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And then this subsequent post on the same topic....

Sep-13-1999 5:20 pm

Hi, :-) Please believe me when I say that I'm only as 'evolved' emotionally and spiritually as my day is a 'good' CFIDS day. :o) Also, after reading some of the posts on this forum, I realize that I am so very fortunate, and haven't faced the physical problems and limitations with this illness that some of the others have. I salute you all and admire your spirit and your strength in plugging on through this quagmire!

And, as for crawling out of the hole, it didn't happen overnight, Hon. My progress was measured by increments too small to see. To be honest, I probably made a BIG, noticeable leap, not through some real spiritual and/or medical breakthrough, but through frustration and boredom! I got 'sick and tired' of being 'sick and tired' and just plain ol' 'fed up' with feeling and thinking 'lousy'! :o)I said 'enough already'! Must have been my gemini, mercurial (sp?), basic character breaking through! :-)

Of course, I still slide down in the hole occasionally... but not as often.

And another thing that 'helped' me, when I first started crawling out (other than the boredom and frustration above), was I gave myself 'permission' to take a vacation now and again from the hole.... It didn't mean that I was 'totally out of the hole.... for good', but that when I wasn't feeling 'quite as down', I 'allowed' myself to feel a bit better... take an interest in something or someone... or pursue a new interest of the moment.... or just sit, reflect, marvel, and feel glad that I was feeling at this particular time 'just a smidgeon better'. :-)

I don't think we (or others) should expect to see a 'noticeable difference' in our spiritual outlook and/or wellness, as the advances will be far too small to see at a particular time. But, I think they 'will eventually' be seen upon 'reflection' of how we once were, and how we are now.

Oops, I've run away with the words again! Sorry!

My best to all, :-)

Marcelle

If you would like to comment on these posts, please do not hesitate to contact me. I'll be most happy to hear from you! :-)

Thanks! Marcelle