Speeding

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit?

No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? these women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

Diet Tips

1) If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2) If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.

3) When eating with someone else, calories dont count if you both eat the same thing.

4) Food used for medicinial purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee cheesecake.

5) If you fatten up everyone else around you, you look thinner.

6) Movie-related foods dont count because they are simply part of the entertainment experience and not a part of ones personal fuel, such as Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, and Junior Mints.

Enjoy your diet!

Your Mama...

1) Your mama is so fat, when she jumps off the high dive she gets picked up on radar.

2) Your mama is so fat she tripped on 3rd street and landed on sixth.

3) Your Mama's so Old, she dreams re-runs.

4) Your mama is so fat, she had to get baptized at Sea World.

5) Your mama is so dumb, she sold her car for gas money.

6) Your mama's teeth are so yellow that when she smiles the traffic slows down.

7) Your mama is so fat, even her car has stretch marks.

8) Your mama's so ugly, your daddy takes her to work with him, just so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

9) Your mama is so stupid she tried to arrange m&ms in alphabetical order.

10) Your mama is so stupid, she stared at an orange juice container because it said 'concentrate.'