Subject: GASP!: Bad Fanfic Challenge: Wedding Day By Sharon Jacobs It was a lovely spring day and Jennie Calender, soon to be Giles, was attempting to shove her rotund belly into the lovely white wedding dress. Her mother was fussing over everything, as mothers do at times like these. "Are you sure you're all right? You're not going to go into labor are you? Oh Jennie, where did I go wrong with you?" she moaned. Her sister, bitch queen, siddled up to her and crooned, " Oh Jennie, aren't you positively glowing! Here let me get a picture," she said, pointing the camera at Jennie's stomach. Jennie shoved her away and snarled,"Okay, both of you lay off! This is my wedding day and it will be perfect, even if I have to to disembowel somone!' Mother Calender patted her arm, and wiped her eyes with a lacy hanky. "It's all right, dear. I know how ashamed you must be. But at least that foreigner is going to marry you. In a couple of years everyone will forget about this little incident, " she said comfortingly. Jennie closed her eyes and whispered a prayer to her favorite goddes for strength. The door flew open and Buffy appeared, all dressed in pink and hating every minute of it. "Let's get this show on the road. I've got videos to return today," She slammed the door and stomped down the hall. "Hrrumph!" said Mother Calender. "Say, you don't think there's anything going on between that girl and Rupert, do you? I mean they spend an awful lot of time together. " "NO!" she said emphatically. "Help me zip this up," "Suck in, dear. " "I am!" "That's got it! Let me look at you. Oh Jennie, you are a vision, if only you weren't knocked up!" her mother sighed, while her sister, the bitch,snickered. Jennie pushed past them into the hall, and smile at the welcome sight of her two bridesmaids and fellow technopagans, Desdemona and Ophelia. The third bridesmaid, bitchie, joined them. As one they turned to take their places, in a swirl of lavender taffeta. The music began to play. Her niece, Nina, went first as flowergirl, followed by her nephew, Larry as ring bearer. Then the bridesmaids, with bitchie in the lead. Taking her father's arm, she began he walk down the aisle. "Don't cry, daddy, " she whispered. "I'm losing my baby today, " he wailed, startling some of the guests. "Yeah, well, butterfly kisses and all that crap, just keep moving." muttered Jennie. Why, oh why couldn't I have been born into a human family? she thought. Her eyes met Rupert's. He looked so handsome in a tux. Standing by his side was his best friend, Ethan Rayne. Once they had got past that demon worshipping business their friendship had blossomed again. She was happy for him. Rupert seemed to be truly at peace for the first time. As she continued down the aisle, she heard comments of "Isn't she lovely!", "Don't they make a lovely pair", and "Get a forklift" coming form the general vicinity of Cordelia. She gave the girl a deadly look that promised sweet revenge at a later time, and made her way to the altar to stand by her beloved. Her took her hand and smiled. He was sweating, but that was only to be expected. Rupert was the nervous type. The minister began the ceremony. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered her in the sight of God to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony." Jennie noticed that Rupert was beginning to hyperventilate. "Who gives this woman to be married?" "WAAAHHH," wailed her father. She elbowed him in the ribs and he squeaked, "I do.' "Do you Rupert Oliver Giles take this woman Jennifer Sonja Marie Elaine Sharon Donna Kim Aliesha Elyse Kristy Miriam Sarah Calender to be your lawfully wedded wife?" Giles loosened his collar and cleared his throat. The eyes of the assembly were upon him. "Well," he began. "It's a yes, or no question," Jennie growled. "Um, well, Oh it's no use. I can pretend no longer. I can't marry you Jennie. I would be living a lie." A gasp was heard around the church and a cry of "I knew he would dump her" came from the general vicinity of Cordelia. "Shut up, you Barbie wannabe," screamed Jennie. "Now, what the hell do you mean, you'd be living a lie?" Giles took Ethan's hand lovingly in his own. "I'm gay." Utter silence, broken only by repressed laughter coming from the general vicinity of Cordlia. Finally, "When did you become gay? You seemed to like women an awful lot up til now!" Jennie said pointing to her protruding stomach. Giles looked at her sorrowfully. "Ethan was my first true love. After," his voice dropped to a whisper, "That demon worshipping business, I decided to try to change. I took up the family business, I stopped wearing leather and I started dating girls. Not very successfully, I might add. I'm surprised you didn't suspect. I'm over 40, unmarried, thin and very neat. I mean come on, even Cordelia knew." "That's right, I always knew," Cordelia stood up to make her point. Jennie looked at her family. Her mother was a helpless bundle of tears, as she faced the prospect of an unmarried pregnant daughter; her father looked a little _too_ relieved, hmmm, and bitchie was laughing her ass off. She turned to the slayerettes for support. Buffy and Willow were shaking their heads in disbelief. Xander had a glazed look in his eyes; she noticed a tiny earphone in his ear and guessed that he was so wrapped up in the game that he didn't know what was going on. Then she turned to Ethan. His smile was full of evil. "I'm sorry too, Jennie, but that's just the way the cookie crumbles." The room began to spin. She dimly heard Rupert saying, "What's wrong?" , right before her mind snapped. ***************** Six months later, on the set of the tv movie "Blood on the Alter", Cordelia sat in a director's chair and watched Victoria Principal and Timothy Dalton reenact the scene for the cameras. She clapped her hands as Tori Spelling jumped up from among the wedding guests and yelled, "That's right. I knew it all along!" *************the end***************************
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