ALABAMA STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION


 Name: ________________  (_) Billy-Bob
           (last)        (_) Billy-Joe
                         (_) Billy-Ray
                         (_) Billy-Sue
                         (_) Billy-Mae
                         (_) Billy-Jack
                         (Check appropriate box)

 Age: ____
 Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
 Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

  Occupation:
 (_)Farmer
 (_)Mechanic
 (_)Hair Dresser
 (_)Un-employed

 Spouse's Name: __________________________

 Relationship with spouse:
 (_) Sister
 (_) Brother
 (_) Aunt
 (_) Uncle
 (_) Cousin
 (_) Mother
 (_) Father
 (_) Son
 (_) Daughter
 (_) Pet

 Number of children living in household: ___

 Number that are yours: ___

 Mother's Name: _______________________

 Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

 Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

 Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?  (Check appropriate box)

 ___ Total number of vehicles you own
 ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
 ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
 ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
 ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

 Firearms you own and where you keep them:
 ____ truck
 ____ bedroom
 ____ bathroom
 ____ kitchen
 ____ shed

 Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

 Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
 (_)The National Enquirer
 (_)The Globe
 (_)TV Guide
 (_)Soap Opera Digest

 ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
 ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
 ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

 How often do you bathe:
 (_)Weekly
 (_)Monthly
 (_)Not Applicable

 Color of teeth:
 (_)Yellow
 (_)Brownish-Yellow
 (_)Brown
 (_)Black
 (_)N/A

 Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
 (_)Red-Man

 How far is your home from a paved road?
 (_)1 mile
 (_)2 miles
 (_)don't know

Please fill out this form and send to:
	Bobby-Joe (a.k.a. BUBBA)
	15 Yellow Teeth (just off the paved road)
	Eutaw, AL  12345

APPLICATION TO LIVE IN FESTUS, MISSOURI

Name:________________  Nickname:______________  CB Handle:_____________

Address: (RFD):________________________________________________________

Daddy: (If unknown attach list of three suspects):_____________________

Mamma:_______________________________

Neck Shade:  ( ) Light Red  ( ) Medium Red  ( ) Dark Red

Number of teeth exposed in full grin:  Upper:______  Lower:________

Name of Pickup Owned:______________  Height of truck:__________

Truck Equipped with:
( ) Gun Rack ( ) 4-Wheel Drive ( ) Confederate Flag ( ) Toothpick Holder
( ) 8-Track  ( ) Load of Wood  ( ) Hijacker Shocks  ( ) Mud-grip Tires
( ) Big Dog  ( ) Racoon Hide   ( ) Dual CB Antenna  ( ) Fuzz Buster
( ) Spitoon  ( ) Camper Top    ( ) Mag Wheels       ( ) Air Horns 
( ) Mud Flaps

Number of Empty Beer Cans on Floor Board of Pickup:_________

Bumper Stickers:
   ( ) Eat More Possum  ( ) Peanut Butter   ( ) Honk if You Love Jesus
   ( ) Wave if You're Horny                 ( ) Redman Chewing Tobacco

Define the following (Must be 90% correct):
( ) Grits     ( ) Muscadine      ( ) Cobbler  ( ) Tater
( ) Goobers   ( ) Brogans        ( ) Fatback  ( ) Pig Skins
( ) Collards  ( ) Redeye Gravy   ( ) Tote     ( ) Pinto Beans
( ) Sidemeat  ( ) Sawmill Gravy  ( ) Poke     ( ) Turnip Salit
( ) Chitlins  ( ) Soppin Syrup   ( ) Cracker  ( ) Shit-on-Shingle
( ) Ramps

Favorite Vocalist:
( ) Donna Fargo  ( ) Conway Twitty  ( ) Loretta Lynn   ( ) Hank Williams
( ) Elvis        ( ) Slim Whitman   ( ) Tammy Wynette  ( ) Porter Wagoner
( ) Johnny Cash  ( ) Willie Nelson  ( ) George Jones   ( ) Box Car Willie

Favorite Recreation:
( ) Square Dancin'  ( ) Possum Huntin'     ( ) Skinny Dippin'
( ) Craw Daddin'    ( ) Gospel Singin'     ( ) 4-Wheelin'
( ) Drankin'        ( ) Bull Chip Throwin' ( ) Blue Grass Conventions
( ) Spitten' backy  ( ) Other

Weapons Owned:
( ) Deer Rifle   ( ) Bird Gun     ( ) Varmit Rifle  ( ) Sawed-off Shotgun
( ) Tire Iron    ( ) Pick Handle  ( ) Log Chain     ( ) Power (chain) saw

Number of Hound Dogs:___  Type:  ( ) Blue Tick  ( ) Black & Tan  ( ) Beagle

Emblem:  ( ) John Deere  ( ) CAT   ( ) Budweiser  ( ) McCulloch Chain Saw
         ( ) PBR         ( ) NAPA  ( ) Coors      ( ) Skoal
	 ( ) Confederate Flag 	   ( ) Basagran   

Number of Weeks Unemployed:_____   Number of Welfare Checks Received:_____

Number of Dependents (Legal):______   (Claimed):______

Memberships:
( ) KKK   ( ) NRA  ( ) Moose  ( ) PTL Club  ( ) VFW  ( ) American Legion
( ) Bass Club      ( ) United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy

Length of Left Leg:______  Length of Right Leg:______

Does your truck contain some part painted the official state color,
Primer Red?______

How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?______

How many kitchen appliances (working or not) do you keep on your front
porch?______

Will you be a part of the Missouri Intelligentsia with a measurable
IQ?______

Do you wear mostly double knit polyester pants with snags?______

Do you own any shoes, if so how many?  ______  
What year did you last purchase shoes? ______

Are you married to any of the following?
( ) Sister  ( ) Cousin  ( ) Sow    Do you know her name? ______

Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?______

Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?______

Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?______

Can you count:  Past 10 with your shoes on? ______
                To 21 with your fly up? ______

Medical Information:
  Do you have at least 2 of the following:  
      ( ) BO      ( ) Crabs         ( ) Head Lice  ( ) Bad Breath
      ( ) Scabies ( ) Trench Mouth  ( ) Runny Nose

Do you know any words that have more than 4 letters?______

Have you EVER had more than one bath in a week? ______

Signature (if any) _____________________________

Fill in as many blanks as you can and mail to:
Mayor's Office
c/o Tanglefoot Saloon
Festus, Missouri 63028

and here is another thing that kinda goes along with it 

YOU MIGHT BE CONSIDERED A REDNECK IF....

• Your front porch collapses and it kills more than six dogs.
• You've ever used lard in bed.
• You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
• You consider a six-pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
• Less than half of the cars you own run.
• Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
• Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
• You honestly think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
• You've ever barbecued Spam on a grill.
• The primary color of your car is "Bondo".
• There is a stuffed possum mounted anywhere in your house.
• The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.
• The diploma hanging in your den includes the words, "Trucking Institute".
• Your wife or mother has ever been involved in a fist fight at a high school sporting event.
• The most common phrase heard at your family reunion is, "What the hell are you looking at, shithead?".
• You have a rag for a gas cap.
• You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
• You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
• Your father encouraged you to quit school because Larry had an opening on the lube rack.
• You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
• You prominently display a souvenir from Graceland.
• You think beef jerky and moon pies are two of the major food groups.
• You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
• Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
• You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
• Your wife keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
• You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding picture was taken.
• Your lifetime ambition is to own a fireworks stand.

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