Frederick Koenig
"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing
and appreciating what we do have."
Rarely do we encounter an individual of facial difference. Those of us who are different are a minority. And because of our scarcity, any time we are seen, our difference unavoidably invites stares. Some curious but kind, some curious but less accepting.
Our lives can defy what many believe is impossible: Living healthy, happy, productive lives with a face that may be disproportionate, discolored, scarred, paralyzed, or for some, a face that has been pieced back together with prosthetic or other harvested parts of the body. Facial difference takes a bad hair day to the extreme because that difference can never be disguised by a hat , scarf or wig. That difference is there for all to see. And that sometimes overwhelming reality is why I decided to record my experience in my memoir, A Face In Time. I knew this was a project that gave purpose to all the challenges I dealt with in the past and present. It has been an experience with learning worth sharing.
Although there may be no cure for the emotional trauma we face, we still have the ability to choose our mood and spirit. For a number of reasons I have been able to deal with my sadness and disbelief with a very positive outcome. Over the years, knowing that I could never have my original features restored was something I chose to accept and not battle with. It would never be a source of depression, but a condition that, in time, would take a back seat to all that I did have and all that I knew I could have.
I would like to share with you some of the choices I've made along the way by offering various excerpts from my book. I hope you will find some interest in the following selection.
If you are interested in purchasing my book, please visit: www.amazon.com
At the age of seventeen, after a year of treatment and illness I survived a fatal diagnosis. The resulting damage from the tumor and radiation was devastating. I was left with permanent, partial baldness on the left third of my scalp, restricted movement of my jaw, loss of sight and hearing in my left eye and ear, and skin and tissue that were aged and damaged. The bone and soft tissue in my left cheek had been ravaged by the size of the tumor and the affects of the radiation. As a result, my upper cheek was dramatically sunken. Even after twenty-one corrective reconstructive surgeries, I was still wondering if I would ever be free of the shame and embarrassment of my deformity.
So what was so frightening about this celebration? My fear of rejection and pity. For some reason I was not able to mature the attitudes of these young teenage images. Would they laugh, or be talking behind my back? For days, I ran scenario after scenario in my mind, speculating how this evening might turn out. My imagination was overwhelmed with panic and dread, never allowing me to get past the hotel lobby. Each enactment had me turning around and going home before anyone had the opportunity to see me. Just when I thought I had confronted and reckoned with all my demons of facial difference, I realized, abruptly, that I was still as vulnerable and innocent as I was two decades ago...or was I?
Counteracting my vulnerable, innocent emotions was a wisdom and strength that I could not ignore. Just months before, I started reading the thoughtful daybook of comfort and joy by Sarah Ban Breathnach, Simple Abundance. Remarkably, Sarah's entry for Tuesday, September 9, was prefaced with a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt, "You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you cannot do." It was as if Eleanor was speaking to me personally, and knew the apprehension I was experiencing. I think she was telling me what I knew all along -- that despite my terror, I would be attending my reunion. I had to attend my reunion.
I have always relied on the opinions of others to validate and measure my level of success, accomplishment and even happiness. On that Saturday there was an open wound that had not yet healed -- and resurfacing were all the emotions that I had stored away about my once normal facial features. This reunion would finally marry the old face with the new -- a final union of my past and present.
And the outcome? Glorious. Although many of my old friends were not present, the few that were, were warm and understanding. Some did not recognize me right away, and may have seemed a bit surprised, (I was also twenty-five pounds lighter than I was in high school), but for the most part we all exchanged stories and caught up on our lives.
What caught me off guard was how judgmental I was of the Class of '77. My younger brother Ryan accompanied me to the affair, and we shared one common opinion -- everyone looked so much older for their age. One friend actually complemented me for my beautiful, unlined skin. All of a sudden, the past was the past and my nervousness subsided. I was not alone. Everyone had changed, and in many ways my transformation was an improvement. My confidence emerged with style by the way that I dressed, and with character, demonstrated by my enthusiasm to meet old friends. It didn't matter anymore what anyone thought. I felt and looked great.
A Face In Time was born out a desire to bring comfort, hope and strength to others by sharing the tragedy and triumphs of my own life experience. Uniquely, not only am I a cancer survivor, but also a survivor of radiation treatment. We're so accustomed to hearing about breast, lung, ovarian, and prostate cancers. Who would ever think that someone could actually be diagnosed with a cancerous facial tumor? Well, I was, and it not only changed my appearance but also my life.
One good analogy for my current condition would be to compare my head to that of a weathered house, a "fixer-upper." Like the house, my head is livable, but also one that will require a lifetime of repair. Finding the right doctors and solutions has been and will continue to be a slow, evolutionary process. The tedious, costly renovations have become a part of my everyday life. There may still be other events or circumstances in my life that will grab and rattle my confidence to the bone, but I know I can defeat those negative emotions. Life experience has taught me to be proud of my face, and to be proud of the efforts I've made to enhance its health and appearance. I've learned that attitude is everything.
A Face In Time is all about confronting challenges head on, and moving forward in the face of adversity. And how is that accomplished? Often times by doing the thing you think you cannot do.