09/15/98
The Old Lady and the Bet
A little old lady went into
the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag
of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank
to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of
money!" After much
hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the
president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank
president
then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied,
"$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his
desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all
this
cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying
so much
cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady
replied, "I
make bets. " The president then asked, "Bets? What kind
of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000
that your
balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president,
"That's a stupid bet.
You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady
challenged, "So,
would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that
my balls are not
square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but
since there is a lot
of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at
10:00 am
as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and
spent a
long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from
side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out
until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were
square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady
appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She
introduced the
lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says
the
president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked
him to
drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if
she
could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president,
"$25,000 is a lot
of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just
then, he
noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the
wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the
matter with your
lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at
10:00 am
today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my
hand."
The Shower
A man and
his wife are in the shower together when the doorbell rings.
The wife puts on a robe and goes downstairs to answer the door.
In walks
her husband's friend Ben. The woman tells him her husband's in
the
shower. Can he come back later? Instead, Ben steps inside and
quietly
says, "I have $400 in my pocket. I'll give it to you if you
open your
bathrobe for me." She's offended, but really needs the money
so she
agrees, opens her robe and lets Ben have a quick peek before
doing it up
again. Ben gives her the $400, and she opens the door for him to
leave,
but he says, "I have another $400 in my other pocket. I'll
give it to
you if you let me fondle your breasts." Now she's really
mortified, but
again, she really needs the money, so she undoes her robe again
and lets
him have a quick feel. Taking the $400 from his she lets him out
the
door.
Going back upstairs, she gets back into the shower with her
husband,
feeling a bit guilty.
"Who was that?", the husband asks.
"Oh, that was just Ben." The wife answers.
"Ben?" The husband says.
"That son of a bitch owes me 800 bucks!"
Medical Warning!!!!
With Viagra such a hit,
Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs
oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's
society....
DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men
before leaving on car trips
caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they
got lost,
compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug
were far more likely to
actually finish a household repair project before starting a new
one.
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming
urge
to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills
and
"little accidents."
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new
hairstyle.
Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing
new
clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden
urge to
buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this
drug
for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be
continued
for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently
undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men
want to
turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family
members.
FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal
gases
back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for
long
car rides.
FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating
men with
O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Expecially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in
the
test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs
of
other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects
into
"special prosecutors."
LIAGRA - This
drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked
about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury
and
Presidential Strength versions.
madame of a brothel
The madame of a brothel has a problem,
so she goes to the local priest.
"I have two talking female parrots," she tells him.
"All they say is
"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's awlful," the priest agrees, "but I have a
solution to your
problem. I have two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read
the
Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will
stop
saying that awlful phrase and will instead learn and recite the
word of
God."
The next day the madame brings her parrots to the priest's house
and
puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads
and
praying in their cages.
"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks to the other and squawks. "Close the
Bible, Frank!
Our prayers are answered!" -----------SEE DANCING BABY ON TOP OF PAGE
The wedding
A couple is about to be married. The groom is walking down the aisle of the
church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices
that the
groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man
says, "Hey
man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up?
You look so
excited." The groom replies, "I just had the BEST BJ I
have ever had in my
entire life."
Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the
biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices
this and
says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting
married, but what's up? You look so excited." The bride
replies, "I
have just given the LAST BJ of my entire life".
Questions?
1. Before they invented drawing boards,
what did they go back to?
2. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
5. How is it possible to have a civil war?
6. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
7. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
8. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
9. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown
too?
10. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
11. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do
it?
12. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
13. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
15. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
16. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of
"asteroids"?
17. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
18. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that
song?
19. What happens when none of your bees wax?
20. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
21. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a
plane crash,
why isn't the
whole airplane made out of the stuff?
22. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
23. If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why
doesn't
everyone just move
10 miles away?
Woman Bashing
Why do women have smaller feet than men?So
they can stand closer to the sink
_________________________________________________
How do you know when a women's about to say
something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man
once told me...."
_________________________________________________
How do you fix a woman's watch? You
don't...there's a clock on the oven!
_________________________________________________
Why do men die before their wives? They want
to.
_________________________________________________
Why do men pass gas more than women? Because
women won't shut up long enough to build up
pressure.
_________________________________________________
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what!
I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
The other replies: "GREAT trade!"
_________________________________________________
What do you do when your wife comes out of
the kitchen to whine at you?
You make the chain shorter.
_________________________________________________
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A
woman that won't do what she's told!
_________________________________________________
Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares!
What was she doing out of the kitchen???
_________________________________________________
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.
_________________________________________________
It's not true that married men live longer
than single men. It only seems longer.
_________________________________________________
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it
was almost impossible.
_________________________________________________
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I
do, leave the hallway light on.
_________________________________________________
Husband: Put your coat on love, I'm going to
the bar.
Wife: Are you taking me out for a drink?
Husband: Don't be silly woman, I'm turning
the heat off...
________________________________________________
Why do Japanese Sumo Wrestlers shave their
legs? So you can tell them apart from the
feminists.
_________________________________________________
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months-I
don't like to interrupt her.
_________________________________________________
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of
her intelligence?
Divorced.
_________________________________________________
Why do women like intelligent men? Opposites
attract.
_________________________________________________
Most accidents happen at home. And the men
have to eat them!
_________________________________________________
Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some
mornings I just let her sleep!
_________________________________________________
What do you call a woman who has lost her
mind?
A widow.
_________________________________________________
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
_________________________________________________
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say
monogamy is the same.
_________________________________________________
Scientists have discovered a food that
diminishes a women's sex drive by 90
percent.... Wedding cake!!!
_________________________________________________
Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence - A
Life Sentence!!
_________________________________________________
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two
mothers-in-law.
Short ones
A blonde
& brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor, a man gets
on who is perfect!! 3 piece suit, great build with a nice butt,
the bad
part is they both noticed he had dandruff. The man got off on the
5th
floor. Once the doors closed the brunette turned to the blonde
and said,
"Someone should give him Head & Shoulders." To
which the blonde replied,
"How do you give Shoulders?"
............................................................
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City
restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated
there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell
do you
guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men says,
"We are all
berry hungry."
The waitress says, "So how is whacking off in this
restaurant
going to help that situation?" One of the other businessmen
replies,
"Because menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED."
............................................................
This guy wants to work as a medical examiner so he is
working in the county morgue and has to do an autopsy on some
guy.
He turns the body over and there is a cork in his butt. He pulls
it out
and hears someone singing "On the Road Again". He puts
the cork back
in and runs to get the medical examiner. He shows the medical
examiner
the cork and pulls it out and hears the song again. The medical
examiner says "That's nothing, any asshole can sing
country."
............................................................
A drunk
takes his dog for a walk. After awhile he gets thirsty so he ties
his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a
couple of
beers. After he has been there for an hour or so the local
policeman enters
the
bar.
"Whose dog is tied up out front?"
The drunk responds, "That's my dog. Is there a problem
officer?"
"Well she's in heat," says the cop."
"Oh, she'll be all right. It's shady out there."
"That's not what I mean. Your dog needs to be bred."
"I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She's fine."
At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset.
"Listen buddy!
You don't seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog
wants to
mate."
"Oh, go right ahead officer, I've always wanted a police
dog."
.............................................................
There are these two nude statues, man and woman, standing across
from each
other in a secluded park. A few hundred years after they've been
put in
place, an angel flutters down to them. A wave of his hand, and
suddenly
the statues have been given flesh, and they step down from their
pedestals.
The angel says, "I have been sent to grant the mutual
request you both
have made after hundreds of years of standing across from each
other, unable
to move. But be quick-you only have fifteen minutes until you
become
statues again."
The man looks at the woman, and they both flush, and giggle, and
run off
into some underbrush. An intense rustling comes from the bushes,
and seven
minutes later, they both come back to the angel, obviously
satisfied.
The angel smiles at the couple. "That only took seven
minutes - why not
go back and do it again?" The former statues look at each
other for a
minute, and then the woman says, "Why not? But let's reverse
it-this time,
you hold down the pigeon and I'll shit on it..."
................................................................
THINGS TO PONDER - Part II
------------------------------------
1. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's
the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat
the
purpose.
2. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
3. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
4. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
5. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?
6. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
7. Do married people live longer than single people or does
it just SEEM longer?
8. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers,
why are they all still working?
9. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe
you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
10. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but
always
ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
11. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but
dishwashing
liquid contains real lemons?
12. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
13. Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking.
____________________________________________________
Blondes
what do
you call a basement full of blondes?
A whine cellar.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
"Oh look! Donut seeds!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
This goes in front.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
They drowned in Spring training.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the
YMCA?
"Look! they spelled MACYS wrong.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.
Did you hear about the woman in San Francisco that was walking
down the street and was attacked by three men?
....Two of them held her down while the other one did her hair
WHAT IS
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A MOSQUITO?
A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIGHT AND HARD?
You can sleep with a light on.
WHAT ARE 3 TWO LETTER WORDS THAT MEAN SHORT?
Is it in?
WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF COWBOY FOREPLAY?
Git in the truck, bitch.
WHAT DO YOU CALL KIDS BORN IN WHOREHOUSES?
Brothel sprouts.
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU COME ACROSS AN ELEPHANT?
Wipe it off.
WHAT IS THE FOURTH BIGGEST LIE?
It is only a cold sore.
WHY WAS TIME OUT CALLED AT THE LEPER HOCKEY GAME?
There was a face-off in the corner.
WHAT'S THE DEFINITION OF MIXED EMOTIONS?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new
Mercedes.
WHERE DOES VIRGIN WOOL COME FROM?
The sheep the herders couldn't catch.
WHY DID THE BLONDE SNORT NUTRASWEET?
She thought it was Diet Coke.
WHAT IS THE LAST THING THAT RUNS THROUGH A BUG'S MIND
WHEN HE HITS THE WINDSHIELD?
His ass.
How did
the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
. . . She fell out of the tree.
How did the blonde die drinking milk?
. . . The cow stepped on her.
How did the blonde burn her nose?
. . . Bobbing for French fries.
Why do blondes have more fun?
. . . They are easier to amuse.
What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
. . . Frosted flakes.
What do you see when you look into a blondes eyes?
. . . The back of her head.
What do you call 4 blondes in a Volkswagen?
. . . Far-from-thinkin'.
Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
. . . They keep breaking them with the hammer.
Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
. . . She missed.
What is it when a blonde blows into another blondes ear?
. . . Data transfer.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
. . . "I wonder if it's mine?"
Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
. . . It takes too long to retrain them.
What do you call an eternity?
. . . Four blondes at a four way stop.
How do you confuse a blonde?
. . . Give her a package of M&M's and tell her to put them in
alphabetical order.
A Blonde
was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she
decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a
tree, andtold him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote
a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning,
put
$10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to
the slide onthe north side of the playground.
Signed, A
Blonde.
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him
home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde
checked, and sureenough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the
pecan tree. The Blondeopened the bag and found the $10,000 with a
note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow
Blonde?"
Believe it or Not
True "I'll bet you didn't know"
conversation starters . . .
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time
television were
Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US
Treasury.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
Smartest dogs: 1) Scottish border collie; 2) Poodle; 3) Golden
retriever.
Dumbest: Afghan hound.
Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive
from each
salad served first class: $40,000
City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
Average number of days a West German goes without washing his
underwear: 7
Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same
woman if
they had it to do all over again: 80%
Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the same man:
50%
Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour:
61,000.
Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland/Disney World:
70%
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for Profiles in
Courage
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in
1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.
First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile
services
(two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number
the
other
channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and
up, but
no channel 1.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National
Monuments
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a
letter is
uncopyrightable.
Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.
Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of
yore
when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled
on the
ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American
Pie." (Thus the name
of the Don McLean song.)
When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not
"playing." They actually
pass out from sheer terror.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every
year
because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account
the
weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history.
Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts -
Charlemagne,
and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front
legs in the
air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in
the air, the
person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the
horse has all
four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people
without
killing them would burn their houses down - hence the expression
"to get
fired."
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July
4th, John
Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2,
but the
last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the
English language.
The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter
pilots in the South
Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50
caliber
machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being
loaded into
the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it
got "the
whole 9 yards."
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes
them looks
like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every
five
must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips
in times
of war or other emergencies.
In every episode of
Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the
"General
Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms
as is
necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia
still
had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities
for blacks and whites.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for
each
gallon of diesel that it burns.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point
in
Colorado.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you
have $1.19.
You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being
able to
make change for a dollar.
No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has
ever won a
Superbowl.
The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To
Beaver".
The only two days of the year in which there are no professional
sports
games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day
after the
Major League all-stars Game.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
The nursery rhyme Ring Around the Rosey is a rhyme about the
plague.
Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores
("Ring
around the
rosey..."), these sores would smell very badly so common
folks would put
flowers on their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously), so that it
would
cover the smell of the sores ("...a pocket full of
poseys..."). People
who died from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the
possible spread of the
disease ("...ashes, ashes, we all fall down!")
POINTERS FOR MEN!
In the world
of romance, one single rule applies: Make the
Woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points.
Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You
don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide
to the point system.
Simple Duties
-------------
You make the bed..............................................+1
You make
the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.....0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1
You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..............0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next
bathroom......................................................-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners with
wings.........................................................+5
But return with beer..........................................-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night......................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..............0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...........+5
You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
It's her father..............................................-10
Social Engagements
-----------------
You stay by her side the entire party........................0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy......................................-2
Named Tiffany...............................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer.........................................-6
Tiffany has implants........................................-8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her
lovingly....................................................+1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and
chain"
and pat her on the rump.....................................-5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you
if you think she is attractive, you say,"Yes, but nowhere
near
as attractive as
you".......................................+1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's
attractive, you say, "Yeah, but she's lousy in
bed".........-6
That woman is her sister...................................-90
You have one drink, and that's it............................0
You have more than a few & perform the tango with a
poodle..-2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being
fingerprinted...............................................-18
Saturday Afternoon
------------------
You go to the mall together..................................+3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park
the car......................................................+4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive
to a sports bar..............................................-2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to
like it......................................................+3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a
sectional.....................................................0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk .......+3
Most of it chips and beer ...................................-6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the
den.........................................................+15
Or refinishing the floors...................................+16
Or rewiring the basement....................................+17
Or adding a second floor....................................+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom
wastebasket..................................................-6
And you're tickled pink about it............................-15
You visit her parents..........................................0
You visit her parents and actually make conversation ........+3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television ..-3
And the television is off....................................-6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your
underwear....................................................-6
And you didn't even go to college...........................-10
And it's not your underwear.................................-15
Her Birthday
------------
You take her out to dinner....................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.........+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.....................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night...............................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face
is painted the colors of your favorite team.................-10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant & hire a guitar
player...+3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get
up and sing..................................................+4
If you stink.................................................+2
If you're not half bad.......................................+5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted
out to much applause.........................................-2
You give her a gift...........................................0
You give her a gift and it's a small appliance..............-10
You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance ..........+1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate..................+2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months....+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day..-10
With her credit card..........................................-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big................-40
Thoughtfulness
--------------
You forget her birthday completely..........................-20
You forget your anniversary..................................-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station................-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey..............................-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast.................-60
A Night Out With The Boys
-------------------------
Go out with a pal ..........................................-5
And the pal is happily married .............................-4
Or frighteningly single ....................................-7
And he drives a Mustang....................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..............-15
You have a few beers........................................-9
And miss curfew by an hour.................................-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call.............-20
You get home at 3 am.......................................-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars....-40
And not wearing any pants..................................-50
Is that a tattoo??.........................................-200
Her Night Out
-------------
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend
from work....................................................+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes
home late...................................................+10
You wait up.................................................+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to
bed.........................................................+20
A Night At Home
---------------
You watch TV together........................................ 0
You rent a movie.............................................+2
You rent a movie and it's SENSE &
SENSIBILITY................+3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake
throughout.......+5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall
asleep.................-1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and
drool.......-2
A Night
Out-----------
You take her to a movie.......................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes............................+4
You take her to a movie you hate ............................+6
You take her to a movie you like.............................-2
It's called DeathCop 3.......................................-3
Which features cyborgs having sex............................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.......-15
Flowers
-------
You buy her flowers only when it's expected................... 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it...+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself.....+30
And she contracts Lyme disease...............................-25
Your Physique
-------------
You develop a noticeable potbelly............................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get
rid of it....................................................+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans
and baggy Hawaiian shirts......................................-5
Finances
--------
You spend a lot of money on something impractical............-5
Something she can't use......................................-10
Such a a motorized model airplane............................-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday...............-40
Driving
-------
You lost the directions on a trip.............................-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost...............-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town.................-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up
close and personal............................................-25
You know them.................................................-60
The Big Question
----------------
She asks, "Do I look
fat?"....................................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding....................................-10
You reply,
"Where?"............................................-35
Communication
-------------
When she
wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression.........................0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes.......+5
You listen for more than 30 min. without looking at the TV...+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep............-20
The Frog
A man
takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog
sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to
shoot when he hears,
"Ribbit. 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the
frog wrong, He puts his other club away,
and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best
game of golf in his life and asks the frog,
"OK where to next?"
The frog replys, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,
"OK frog, now what?"
The frog says,"Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man
asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog
replies, "Ribbit.$3000,
black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the
golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says,
"Frog, I don't know how to repay you.You've won me all this
money and I am
forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he
deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my
room."
xx "Extra Large Pepperoni Please !" xx 18 & over only
My husband
is a busy man, so we don't have a lot of time to spend together.
As a birthday gift he thought he was being attentive to my needs
by buying
me a 9 inch vibrator, and said he would love to watch me play
with it. I
appreciated the gesture, but I just couldn't get into being
fucked by a
faceless battery powered device. Or one that won't slap my ass or
talk
dirty to me.
But then again neither does my husband.
One day I couldn't take it any more. I was so horny from watching
one of
the many pornos I buy via mail that I told my husband that the
vibrator
broke and I needed to get fucked like a cat in heat. He was going
to be
stuck in a meeting and would come home as soon as it was over.
But I
couldn't wait for him to get home, or if he did, for his limp
cock to rise
up to the challenge that I had become since my 30th birthday.
Thoughts ran through my head. Maybe look in the back of the local
daily and
order in a "massage", but then they might be some
druggie. Or go to the
adult section of a video store, but thought that they would be
too sleazy.
And then I realized that I had some pizza take-out coupons in the
kitchen.
Yeah, I thought, that hunk of a delivery boy would be game to
screw a
frustrated housewife. There was only one way to find out.
I made sure to call after 3:30 because that's when delivery boy's
shift
started and asked for a medium whatever. I got ready by perfuming
my pussy
and slipping into my silk robe that went down just below my ass.
He showed
up pretty quickly since it was early so I didn't have time to
warm my muff
with my little 9 inch friend. When I opened the door, I was tying
the strap
up my silk robe. I was excited, and my nipples showed it. I could
tell he
noticed. I told him that I had to go into the kitchen for my
purse, and
told him to follow behind, and I knew he could see that I wasn't
wearing
any panties. The excitement of seducing a boy who had probably
just last
night jacked off to the thought of sex made me even wetter. As I
looked for
money in my bag that was on the kitchen table I leaned down so he
could see
some erect nipple and hopefully catch a clue. To make it even
more
tantalizing I sat down with my legs open so he could see my wet
snatch
through the glass table.
I looked up and caught him sneaking a peek at my pussy . I said,
"You know,
I can't find my money."And with a little raise of the
eyebrow I said, "Is
there any other way I could pay for this?"
I'm sure he was shocked, but not too shocked to show some tender
teen age
meat through his pants. Knowing he was an amateur, I got down and
unzipped
his corduroys to reveal a pink rock-hard cock, glistening at the
tip as if
crying for an old fashioned blow job. I put his cock in my mouth
and
thought he was going to come by all the shaking he did. I don't
think he'd
ever been sucked the way I was sucking him then. My tongue
caressed every
bulging vein, every square inch of his unexperienced love pole.
When I ran
my tongue from the base of his balls, in the area between his
testicles and
his anus, up to the tip of his banana-shaped cock, I thought he
would come
prematurely, like my husband did almost every time. I knew if I
continued
he would, so I stopped.
I stood up and asked him what else he would like to do. He began
stuttering
, so I helped him with some ideas.
"Would you like to lick some sweet, clean pussy?"
"Want to fuck me doggy-style over the kitchen counter?"
"How about fucking me slowly in the ass?" He gave a
little shiver after the
last question, so I knew I had a little horny fucker here. But
first my
needs had to be met.
"OK, but you have to lick my hot little button first".
And so I jumped up
on the counter and spread my legs, put my legs over his
shoulders, and
grabbed him by the shoulders over to me. He licked me real
sloppy, like he
didn't know where the treasure was buried. I had to instruct him
to spread
my lips and lick my clit, and once he found it, he worked it like
a kid
with an ice cream cone, savoring it, taking care of it. After
just a few
minutes, I creamed all over his peach-fuzzy face several times,
each wave
of coming making up for the months of not being eaten out by my
husband.
But no way was I done yet.
I had wanted a warm cock in my ass for months, and my husband
didn't feel
up for it and his cold electric stand- in just didn't cut it.
Holding on to
the kitchen sink for support, I bent over so he could enter my
tight
pleading butt hole with his drooling cock that was still stiff
with
surprise at being so lucky.
Sticking it in slowly, he managed to be gentle in introducing the
head into
my pleasure hole. I could tell he noticed the difference in the
tightness
by the excitement in his hips. Two thrusts into my tight ass
cheeks and the
fun would be over. So instead I told him to slow down and to play
with my
pussy with his right hand, to let him know how it feels to play
with a hot
and sticky pussy. I had to be sly like this so that I was not
leave this
encounter empty-handed, like most of my adventures with my
husband.
But totally catching me by surprise, with his left hand he
grabbed the back
of my hair, and with his right hand he slapped my ass real hard
and said,
"Show me how you do it". This sudden feeling of fear
that he might just do
as he pleased, and leave me unsatisfied, only brought me this
much closer
to my climax.
I obliged, vigorously rubbing my clit as he slowly started his
throbbing
thrusts into my glory hole that hadn't seen action like this in
almost a
year. He was grabbing my ass so hard that his nails were deep
into the
softness of my skin, bringing on a sweet pain that made my
husband seem but
a distant memory. I couldn't hold it. I tried to fight it but I
relented
and came like the Fourth of July, pushing back into him so that
he could
come too, and when he did, I remembered how much more energy
young horny
teenagers have compared to workaholic husbands.
When we found energy to talk, we arranged for future pizza
deliveries with
"sausage and no bacon", as our code words for future
trysts would be. And I
tipped him $20, of course.
A big-rig
operator stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker wearing REALLY
short shorts.
"Say, What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after
she climbed up in
the truck.
"It's Snow----Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's
yours?"
"Me, I'm June----June Hansen," she said.
After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing
me up with
those sidelong glances?"
"Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered,
"....having eight
inches of Snow in June?"
Politics
A little boy came home from school one day and said to his
father, "Dad,
what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for
school
tomorrow."
the father thought some and said, "OK, son, the best way I
can describe
politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm capitalism
because I'm
the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she
controls
everything, our maid will be the working class because she works
for us,
you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby
brother
will be the future.
Does that help any?"
the little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll
think about what
you said."
Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy
was woken
up by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found
a dirty
nappy. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and
found his
father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up.
Then he
saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he
reached the
door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with
the maid.
Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to
bed.
The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table,
"Dad, I
think I understand politics much better now."
"Excellent, my boy," he
answered, "What have you learned?"
The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned
that capitalism
is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep
ignoring the
people, and the future's full of shit."
AP - Monica Lewinsky, in a
statement released today, countered
President Clinton's firm denial:
"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter
taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I
am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head
and blown up in my face. "This may be a load to handle, but
when
things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard
things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet the
challenge the only way I know how: headon. "I have licked
bigger
things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be
able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she
quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight
this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty
affair. I will not be stained by it.
"Thank you."
Monica Lewinsky
POLICE
REPORT
Police
arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of
Wimbledon, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday.
Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour,
public
indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on
Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin
patch, he
decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy
inside, and
there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there
wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County
courthouse
jail.
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the
road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his
purposes, cut
a
hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged
"need".
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he
commented with
evident
embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to
notice
the
Wimbledon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his
audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said
officer Taylor.
"I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at
this
pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Davidson.
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize
that you
are
screwing a pumpkin?'
He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight
in
the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight
already?"
This is HYSTERICAL!!!!!!!!
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he
could hardly speak. After mass he asked the
monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about
getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka
next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I
take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the
monsignors advice. At
the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and
took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found
the following note on the door:
PLEASE
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are ten commandments, not twelve.
3. There were twelve disciples, not ten.
4. The communion wafer is consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not generally
referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out
of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off
his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper
he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He
did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the
Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest
at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
While the originator of this joke is unknown, it
brings good luck to everyone who passes it on. The
one who breaks the chain will have bad luck. Do not
keep this joke. Do not send money. Just forward
it to five of your friends to whom you wish good
luck. If the chain is not broken, something good will
happen to you within four days. Bill Clinton broke the
chain and just look what is happening to him now!
DOGS
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first
man
was an Engineer, the second an Accountant, the third man a
Chemist, and
the fourth a Government worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do
your stuff!"
T-Square trotted over to the desk, took out some paper and a pen
and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed
that
T-Square was pretty smart!
But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his
dog and
said, "Spreadsheet, show 'em how smart you are!"
Spreadsheet went out
into the kitchen, and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided
them
into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed, that was
good!
But the Chemist said his dog could do even better. He called his
dog
and said, "Measure, do your thing!" Measure got up,
walked over to the
fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-ounce glass from the
cupboard
and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone
oohed and
ahhhed and were quite impressed!
Then the three men turned to the Government Worker, and said,
"What can
your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and
said, "Coffee
Break, do your stuff!!" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate
all the
cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, sexually assaulted
the other
three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a
grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for
Worker's
Compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick
leave!!!!