Bar Jokes

Three guys sitting in a bar around a log fire with their dogs and get talkin' about them. First one says "My dog is called woodworker.. go woodworker." The dog grabs a log from fire and with his teeth and paws fashions a beautiful figurine. Next one says "My dog is called stoneworker.. go stoneworker" The dog drags a rock from the fire front and a beautiful carving emerges. Third one says "My dog is called iron worker" he puts the fire tongs into the fire and gets them red hot. Now," he says "I'll just touch him on the balls and you watch him make a bolt for the door."
This homeless guy walks into a bar and says, "Gimme whiskey." The bartender says, "I'll have to see your money first." "I'm broke, sonny, but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on that stage and fart dixie!" The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song, so he agrees. The homeless guy drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage and the audience starts applauding. Then he drops his pants and the audience starts cheering even louder. Then, he proceeds to shit all over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted and leaves. The bartender screams, "You said you were gonna fart dixie! Not shit all over my stage!" The guy replies, "Hey! Even Bob Dylan has to clear his throat before he sings!"
This guy walks into a bar with his monkey. The guy sits down next to the bartender and has a few drinks. After a while he has to go the bathroom. "Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?" the guy asked the bartender. "Sure.", says the bartender. As soon as the bartender hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room to the pool tables and eats the Q-ball. "What the hell?", the bartender exclaimed. When the guy came out of the bathroom, the bartender says. "Guess what?...your damn monkey just ate my Q-ball." "Oh god.", says the guy. "Here there's $20 and after the monkey passes the Q-ball, I'll sterilize it and bring it back to you, deal?" The bartender agrees. A week later the guy comes back with his monkey and also returns the Q-ball. He is now on good terms with the bartender. Anyway, the guy has a few drinks and after awhile he needs to go the bathroom. He looks at the bartender and says, "Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?" "He isn't going to eat the Q-ball is he?", asked the bartender. "No he's over that.", explained the guy. Bartender agrees. As soon as the guy hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room, and gets a peanut out of the peanut bowl. The monkey examines the peanut. Then the monkey puts the peanut up it's ass, pulls the peanut out, and finally eats the peanut. "What innnnnnn the hellllllll", the bartender exclaimed in a bewildered manner. The guy comes out of the bathroom. "Guess what?....your monkey just stuck a peanut up it's ass, and then ate it afterwards.", the bartender explained, still overcome by the act. "Oh yeah...", the guy acknowledges. "It's just that ever since the Q-ball, he just wants to make sure everything fits."
Bert met Flo in a bar one night and began buying her drinks. They hit it off pretty well and soon Bert suggested they go to his apartment for some extracurricular activity. Well it wasn't long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love. As they were making love though, Bert noticed that Flo's toes would curl up as he was thrusting in and out. When they were done, Bert laid back on the bed and said, "I must have been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up when I was going in and out." Flo looked at him and smiled. "That usually happens when someone forgets to remove my pantyhose."
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled "SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
A guy and his wife walk into a bar together. The husband says "I am going to go play pool for a while." And so the wife stays seated at the bar. He then ventures to a back room. While his wife sits alone, a guy walks up to her and says" ya know, I couldn't help but look and you have got some nice legs" The lady smiles but says " I am happily married" So politely, the guy leaves. But he came back 2 minutes later and said" ya know, i would love to just feel your breasts for 1 minute." Sorta angry the woman says "I told you I was married" and the guy leaves, only to come back 2 minutes later. This time he says, "ya know, I would love to fill your pussy full of beer and tip you upside down, and drink it all." The woman was not very happy. She went into the back room to tell her husband. She first said "this guy said he licked my legs" and the husband roles up the sleeve of his right arm. "Then he told me he would like to touch my breasts." Very angry the husband roles up his other sleeve. "Then he said he would love to fill my pussy full of beer and tip me upside down, and drink it all." The husband started pulling down his sleeves. The wife asks "What are you doing, aren't you going to do something?" The husband replied, "Honey, I learned a long time ago not to fuck with a man that could drink that much beer."
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
A small guy goes into a bar, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, "Turner Brown." The small guy faints. The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?" The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."
A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
two condoms walk past a gay bar. One of them says to the other, "Hey, whaddya say we go in there & get shit-faced?"
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man," what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that." The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."
A guy comes into a bar and sees two women coming out of the bathroom. One sits at one end and the other sits at the other end. One looks really good and the other one is average. He thinks to himself, "there is no way I can get with the really hot one, so I'll talk to the average one and maybe work my way up to the really hot one." So he starts conversation with the one woman and they having a nice conversation. The she asks him, "Do you like my friend over there?" pointing to the woman at the other end of the bar. The guy says, "Well, uh, uh, yea, I guess I like her." So she asks, "Do you think she's pretty?" The guy says, "Well uh, yea, she's pretty." She then asks, "Do you wanna smell her pussy?" The guy tentatively responds, "Uh, Uh, well, sure, yea, yea." The woman smiles and puts her mouth to his nose and breaths out, HUUUH!
This guy comes into a bar and orders three separate shots of Irish whiskey. He downs one, engages in casual conversation with the bartender, eventually finishing the other two. This goes on for a few days and the bartender finally says, "You know, I can put all three shots in one glass for you." The other gentleman replies, "No, I prefer it this way. See, I'm very close to my two brothers. They're both in Ireland now and this represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be closer to them and feel like we are all having a drink together." The bartender agrees and continues to set them up as requested. This goes on for several months, and then one day, the guy orders two shots. Well the bartender begins to worry that maybe something has happened to one of his brothers. He's gotten to know this guy over the month and finally feels it necessary to ask. "Is everything all right?" the bartender asked. "What do you mean?" replied the gentleman. "Well," the bartender said, "all these months you've ordered three drinks. Now you've only ordered two. Something didn't happen to one of your brothers, did it?" "No," the gentleman replied. "They are okay. It's just that I quit drinking."
A guy walks into a bar with a little yellow long-nosed, short-legged dog under his arm. "That's one ugly dog," says another patron while petting his Doberman. "Heh," says the guy, "but he's a mean little SOB." "That so" says the other patron, "bet $20 my dog will kick his ass in less than two minutes" The guy agrees and they put there dogs face to face, and each gives the command to attack. In the twinkling of an eye the little yellow dog bites the Doberman in half. The Doberman's owner is crying and cussing, and screams "What kind of damn dog is this?" "Well" says the guy, "before I cut off his tail and painted him yellow he was an alligator."
There was a Jew and a Chinese sitting at the bar drinking. All of a sudden the Jew turns and punches the Chinese in the face knocking him off his stool, stunned the Chinese gets up and says, "What the hell was that for?" The Jew replies, "That was for Pearl Harbor." The Chinese says, "That was the Japanese, I'm Chinese." The Jew says, "well you have black hair squinted eyes and buckteeth, it's all the same to me." The Chinese says "Okay" and sits on his stool and continues drinking. About a half hour later the Chinese turns and punches the Jew in the face knocking him off his stool, the Jew gets up and says, "What the hell was that for?" The Chinese says "That was for the Titanic." The Jew replies, "The Titanic? That was an Iceberg." The Chinese says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Steinberg, it's all the same to me."
A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in. "Get a load of her" says the mouse, "I fancy that!" "Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion. So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her, and within five minutes they're out the door and gone into the night. Next day, the lion is in the bar drinking away, and the mouse staggers in. And I do mean "staggers". The mouse is absolutely stuffed, worn out, ruined, an ex-mouse (and no, it wasn't Ex-Mouse Eve ). The lion helps his pal up on to a stool, pours a drink down his throat and says "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right?" The mouse says "Yeah, she was really something else - we went out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the night. And oh, man! I've never had a night like it!" "But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asks the lion. "Well" says the mouse "between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!"
A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." was the reply. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said indignantly. "That's not my dog." was the answer.
Two guys walk into a bar and are scamming for two legged females. The first guy says, "Hey check out the blond over there. I bet she's really hot in bed!" He procedes to go over and makes small talk with her. Before long they both leave for a one nighter. The next day, the two guys meet up and are again scamming for anything that breathes. The second guy goes over to the same blond, pinches her in the rear and were off for a quickie. Fifteen minutes later, the second guy comes back and compares notes with the first guy. The first guy says, "I think my wife is better." The second guys nods his head and says, "Yeh, your wife is better!"
A man with a big smile on his face walks into a bar. The bartender asks "What'll ya have?" "Gimme 12 shots of rum, 5 tequilas and a cup of coffee!" The bartender begins serving the man. The man gulps them down as fast as he can make them, and lights a cigarette. "So what's the occasion?" asks the bartender. "Just had my first blow-job". "Really, How was it?" "Not too bad but I can still taste it!"
On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process. This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiousity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?" "Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lots of fun. You should try it." The guy, who was also quite pissed out of his gourd, thought to himself, Hey, why not? So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and whooooooooooooo... SPLAT! The bartender looks over at the first guy and says, "Man, you're an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."
This snail crawl's up to this bar as it was being closed. The snail pounds and pounds on the door until the bar tender finally opens the door. Bar tender looks around and sees nothing until the snail demanded a beer. The bar tender looked down and sees him but replies, "Hey, we're closed now and besides we don't serve snails!" and then proceeds to slam the door. The snail again pounds on the door until the bar tender got so frustrated that he opened the door again and kicks the snail away. A year later as the bartender was about to close again, he hears a pounding on the door again. He opens the door and looks down to see the same snail again. The snail looked up and replies, "What'd you do that for?"
A grasshopper hops into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "You know, we have a drink named after you here." The grasshopper looks puzzled, and replies "You have a drink named Fred?"
A man walked in to a bar and said to the bartender that he had a bad day at work and wanted 1 shot of everything he had in the bar. The bartender poured 1 shot of everything in to a glass and the man drank it down and staggered out. The next day the man came back in and the bartender said it looks like you had another bad day at work, and the man said no way. He said i went home last night and was blowing chunks all night. the bartender said oh you got a little sick? The man said, no chunks is my dog.
Baby seal walks into a club...fucking tragedy.
A gay man walks into a bar and says to someone at the bar, "May I push in your stool?"
A guy walks into a bar with a huge gorilla. The bartender asks him what the deal is and the man says that the gorilla has been specially trained so that when he hits the animal in the jaw, he gives him a blow job. The bartender doesn't believe it so the man pulls his arm back and punches the gorilla in the face. The gorilla gets up, brushes himself off, and gives the man a BJ. He has to perform the whole trick again for the barkeep, who still doesn't believe it. The man finally asks the bartender if he wants to try it. "Sure," he says, "just don't hit me as hard as you hit that gorilla."
A chick went into a bar wearing such a tight pair of pants that the lounge lizard watching her asked her, "Honey, how do you get into your pants?" She smiled and said, "you can start by ordering me a drink!"
A lonely reporter, sent out west to cover the goldrush, walked into a small town bar. He asked one of the local prospectors seated at the bar what they did for female companionship. "Fuck sheep", the fellow replied. After verifying that the few local saloon girls were indeed so ugly that sheep looked good, he resolved to remain celibate. But after several months he broke down and went out and cornered a nice sheep and took it to his hotel room to wine and bed it. The next day when he took his 4-legged concubine to the bar for a drink, everybody stared at him like he was crazy. "You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" he shouted, "You've been fucking sheep for years, and now that I have gone as low as you, you all stare at me like I'm a crazy pervert!" A cowboy in the back of the room then spoke up, "But tenderfoot, that's the sheriff's gal!"
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender, who's none too friendly, hands him the drink. The guy downs it in a single swallow and slams the glass down on the counter. Then he slides it off to the end of the bar. "That'll be two bucks," grunts the bartender. "Hey," says the guy, "I'll bet you $100 I can piss in that glass and not spill a drop." The bartender chuckles figuring "hey, easy money." "Alright," he says. The man then unzips his fly and takes out his penis and begins to whiz. He goes crazy whizzing on the counter, on the bar stool, the floor, all over the furniture and even gets some on the bartender--everywhere but the glass. All this time, the bartender's laughing his head off because of how stupid it looks and that he's winning the bet. When the guy finally stops, pee all over the place, the bartender still can't stop laughing. "Aw, you dummy, you hit everything but the glass. You owe me 100 bucks." "Yes. You're right. Okay, give me a second." So the guy goes into the back and talks to two other guys and then comes back with $300. He slaps the $100 on the piss-soaked table. "There." Perplexed, the bartender asks "Who were those guys?" "Who? Them? Oh, I bet them $300 that I could piss on the bar, the floor, and you and not only would you not get mad, you'd enjoy it."
A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew," the barkeep remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry." "You would be too if you had what I have." "What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked. "Fifty cents."
A guy walks into a bar, approaches the bartender and says; "I've been working on a top-secret project on molecular genetics for the past five years and I've just got to talk to someone about it." The bartender says; "Wait a minute. Before we talk about that, just answer me a few questions...When a deer defecates, why does it come out like little pellets?" The guy didn't know that. The bartender then asks, "Why is it that when a dog poops, it lands on the ground and looks like a coiled rope?" The guy again says, "I don't have any idea." The bartender then says, "You don't know shit! and you want to talk about molecular genetics?"
Four guys and the bartendar are in a bar. In walks a pretty lady. She goes up to the bartender and sez. "Gimme 6 martinis" The bartender pours her a martini and sets it infront of her She sez. I wanted 6 martinis!! He sez Drink that one then i'll give you another. The lady sez You misunderstand..i want 6 martinis NOW!! The bartender pours the rest of the martinis. The girl downs all 6 martinis..one right after the other. She stands at the bar..and passes out flat on her back..her dress having fallen up..exposing her panties. All the guys look at the lady laying there. The bartender sez..let's all fuck her.. she'll never know...so they all do. The lady finally comes to sits up..straightens her dress and leaves. one week later, the bartender looks up and sees the lady coming in again. he sez to her..I bet you want six martinis!! the lady replies...No..Martinis make my pussy hurt and swell... !-- BEGIN LINKEXCHANGE CODE -->
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Email: warre_ba@lab.eng.usyd.edu.au