Now that I look back from the great age of 39(!!!) I can see all the signs. My first clue should have been that I didn't really like dolls all that much. My favorite toy was a blue and red Tonka Dump Truck! I never owned a Barbie doll
until 1998, and she is a WNBA Barbie. If you look in my Mom's photo album you'll see pictures of "First Days Of School". Every year she made sure she got a shot of us boarding the bus for our first day in our new grade. Luckily it was always a new grade, no repeats! Anyway, one year I was dressed in patent leather shoes, a sensible little dress and a nice girly-girl haircut. The very next year found me wearing a plain short-sleeved shirt, cut-off jean shorts with my hands stuffed in my back pockets, and a short haircut. I was grinning at the camera in a way that bore no resemblance to the prim little woman of a year earlier! Oh, there were clues alright!
I always had a fascination with rainbows, too. I never dreamed that they would mean anything special to me either! So I had a thing about Irises and rainbows...And I was a TOMBOY! Do we SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING?
I always describe my upbringing as "conservative Republican, fundamental Baptist". It's a wonder I ever figured out why I was drawn to women instead of men! I started to get it when I was in my mid-teens, but I was way too naive to understand my feelings. My first real understanding came when I was twenty and found myself head over heels for a sixteen year old college classmate. (She graduated high school early but was pretty normal) We weren't sure what to call it, but we really liked it!
After my first experiences (it never quite qualified as a relationship) in college I spent about seven years trying to get over being "like that". My religious upbringing was causing me great consternation over this discovery about myself. According to what I had been taught it was just plain sinful. In my head I was already questioning that. My concept of a loving God did not match the idea that He would create me as inherently gay and then condemn me for it. As I struggled with it I tried so hard to like men, but Pandora's Box had been opened!
Finally I had a true blue, full blown relationship, complete with the instant U-haul. It didn't have the happiest ending, but it did help me determine who I am and how I intend to live my life. No more fences for me! I am proud of who I am.
And Here I Am!
You don't think I'd trip anyone's gaydar, do you?
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