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FRANZ "OLAF" WIEDEMER

PROFESSIONAL VIKING

Many people approach Franz and ask him many questions. Usually he just grunts and tries to hurl his axe through the nearest automobile ("They are truly the work of Loki," says Franz concerning the technological marvels).

However, if you catch Franz with a tankard of ale in his hand (as well as a tazer capable of sending thousands of volts through his body) he will gladly offer his amazing story and view on life.

The Life and Times of Franz, Professional Viking

Why a Viking?

The Women of Franz, Professional Viking

The Life and Times of Franz "Olaf" Wiedemer, Professional Viking

Sorted are the many details concerning the birth of Franz Wiedemer. By his own admission, he claims to be of Nordic heritage, with his origins going all the way back to Sven Bjornson, ancient champion of Vikings everywhere.

Legend has it that Sven ate 400 raw cod to prove how mighty the Viking stomach was. He died soon after from botchelism.

Franz entered the "Viking" scene as a young man, trying to hurl his battle axe at a big stick in the annual "Hurl your Battle Axe at a Big Stick" competition in Egg Harbor, New Jersey. At this four and a half day event, Franz was voted "Least Likely to Spend Time in the First Aid Tent" and "Miss Congeniality." He later gained notoriety for stopping an oncoming truck ("Does Loki's trickery know no bounds?," comments Franz concerning this specific automobile incident) by putting his axe through the radiator grill and head-butting a cow to unconsciousness.

He currently resides by Limpare Superfund Site in Southern New Jersey, teaching clog dancing and close combat with large sticks. He is the author of numerous books, including Battle Axe Hurling for Dummies and Vikings and Beer: Perfect Together But Even Better When You Have A Battle Axe to Hurl.

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Why a Viking? Why not a Hun, Jute, Cossack, or other type of Teutonic Barbarian?

Franz explains:

"To understand my decision to be a professional Viking, let us look at the definition, as it appears in Random House Webster's College Dictionary (© 1991 Random House Publishing):

Vi·king (Viking), n. - any of the Scandinavians who from the late 8th to the 11th centuries engaged in raiding, trade, and colonization throughout Europe and the islands of the N. Atlantic.

Let's break that down.

- any of the Scandinavians…from the late 8th to the 11th centuries

Certainly I am Scandinavian (as being born in Germantown, PA - wait…that makes me German…nevermind). And who wouldn't want to live in the late 8th to 11th centuries? That's when men were men, women were women and people poked holes in their heads to let out the evil spirits. What a party! I don't know about you, but 8th century here I come! Ha Ha (Viking Laugh)!

…engaged in raiding, trade, and colonization throughout Europe and the islands of the N. Atlantic

Now I know what you're thinking, 'My God! Franz raids and pillages! What an inhuman monster!' I am not a monster. I am a Viking. A Professional Viking. But I am also a Viking of the 21st Century.

Do I raid and pillage? Yes. Of course I'm raiding and pillaging my fridge. Don't laugh! It puts up a terrible fight; but in the end it is I who am victorious. Ha!

And I'll concede that the only violence I participate in that crosses into Europe is watching COPS in England on FOX. But when I get mad I get really angry (like any good Viking would).

Do I trade? If going to a 7-11® and exchanging a five dollar bill for a really big Slurpie® is trading, I'm a trader.

NEXT QUESTION!"

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The Sayings of Franz, Professional Viking

Thor, guide my hand, Odin, light my way, Valhalla, I am coming!

I like Led Zeppelin. They sing about Vikings.

You are NOT a Viking. You would not understand.

Lords of Light!

Do I like cheese? Of course! I am a Viking.

I say thee nay!

There can't be more than 50 of them! I'll be fine!

Yes, I have a permit for my battle axe.

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The Women of Franz, Professional Viking

The St. Pauli Girl ('Cause some girls are unforgettable)

Helga (Franz's 100% German mother)

Mrs. Inga Krullhoffer (His land lady)

Margaret Thatcher (Franz's Non-Viking Pen Pal and former Prime Minister of England)

Julia Child (Franz's confidant and former Greco-Roman wrestling partner)

Marv Albert (Bought Franz a drink in Seattle four years ago)

Brunhilda Von Kreuger (Franz dream date and former dead lifting champion of Norway)

Famous People Who are also Vikings

Maury Povitch (He doesn't look it, but he can pillage with the best of them!)

The Swedish Chef (Bork! Bork! Bork! Is his battle cry)

David Copperfield (Actually, he is a Viking in training, but a Viking none the less)

Norm McDonald (Note the Nordic last name)

The Queen of England (It's always the ones you don't expect)

Janet Reno (I think everyone suspected)

Boris Yeltsin (Acquired from the Cossacks in a late season trade for Roseanne Barr)

Jerry Lewis (Beloved among the French, but is biding his time to pillage the entire nation)

Hanson (We don't like to admit it, but Viking blood runs through their veins)

The Reverend Al Sharpton (Couldn't you tell?)

You too can be a Viking

Do you enjoy cold weather and the ice and snow?

Did you ever want to hit someone over the head with a large axe?

Have you ever had the urge to try on one of those helmets with the pointy horns?

Do the words, "Uf ya!" and "Ya ya" mean something to you?

Do you enjoy a nice meal of poached salmon with a large tankard of ale?

Do you look spiffy in fur?

Then YOU TOO can be a full fledged Viking!

There's no money involved, no forms to fill out. All you have to do is follow the...

FOUR VIKING PRECEPTS!

1. Defeat your enemies in mortal combat.

2. Leave nothing in your wake.

3. Show no fear.

4. Wear a funny hat with horns.

Written in the early 9th century, only the last of the precepts (wearing a funny hat with horns) shows any real application in the 20th century. So in lieu of that fact, here are the...

FOUR MODERN VIKING PRECEPTS!

1. Defeat your cousin playing Mortal Kombat®

2. Pillage your house, searching for that last piece of cheese hiding in the corner of your fridge (Cheese is always a staple of the Viking diet)

3. Show people scars from all of your operations (especially an appendectomy)

4. Wear a funny hat with horns.

When you follow these rules of thumb, you're ready to grab your battle ax, drink your beer and go off into battle as a full-fledged Viking with all the titles, privileges and responsibilities pertaining hereto.

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Not ready to be a Viking?

I know what you're thinking: "But I'm not ready to be a Viking!" You FOOL! You are ALWAYS ready to be a Viking.

SIGH, very well. If you deem yourself not worthy of this honor here are some mighty deeds that you may perform in order to fully prepare your self as a Viking of the 21st Century:

Watch action movies about Vikings. Action movies are always good, but action movies about Vikings are better. Here are some great action movies that just happen to have Vikings in them:

The 13th Warrior - Even the femininity of Antonio Banderas is overwhelmed by the shear testosterone and 100% Grade A Manliness that only comes from men who are Vikings! One of the greatest lines of all time comes from this movie. Click here to listen to it.

The Vikings - This mighty Viking saga from 1958 has Kirk Douglas and Ernest Borgnine! How much more Viking can you get? Once again, not even an actor of Tony Bennett's caliber can ruin the awe-inspiring, knife-wielding, dog fighting, all-Viking action!

Adventures in Babysitting - Okay, this is not an action movie with Vikings. However, this movie mentions Thor, the Mighty Norse god of Thunder and major icon of Marvel Comics! How cool is that? Ha ha ha!

Read comics about Vikings. DO NOT BE FOOLED! There are many manly comics about Vikings!

Of course there's The Mighty Thor from Marvel Comics. He is mighty! And only a Viking could looks so manly with long hair! Laugh with me like a manly Viking! Ha ha!

Prince Valiant, found in your Sunday paper, is also a mighty Viking. Of course, he could always be made mightier!

DC Comics used to have a series called The Viking Prince. If you have enough money saved from pillaging villages, you can afford some of these issues.

Watch TV shows about Vikings. There is one and only one TV show that comes close to the Viking standard of glory, honor, valour, and carnage. Click here to view the name of the mightiest cartoon ever made! HA!

Prepare yourself for the physical demands of being a Viking. Your body must be ready to endure the rigors of Vikingdom. While you do not have to sail the seven seas in a small wooden boat, or ransack entire villages using only your courage and a strong sword arm, you STILL will be required to drink large amounts of alchohol!

Drink beer - lots of beer! Keg stands are important too. Never understimate the power of the keg.

Train your stomach to endure the many long hours of drinking. Remember the old Viking adage: Beer before liqour, never sicker. Liqour before beer, you're in the clear. Also, drink plenty of water and eat some bread before you sleep in your huge Viking bed.

Choose a Designated Viking - VERY IMPORTANT. Bring one of your non-drinking Viking cohorts with you to make sure you get home safely. He or she can always drink like a Viking the next day.

After you have done these things, you will be ready to accept the Four Modern Viking Precepts! Good luck my Viking Brothers and Sisters! Laugh with me now, like any good Viking would! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

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