A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boys position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "RUN, Now we RUN like HELL!!!!"
"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God, I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
Q. How is a woman like a road?
A. Both have manholes.
Q. Why do all of the trees in Georgia point toward Atlanta?
A. Because Atlanta sucks!
Your Mother
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
Ted and John wanted to get away from the countryside and see the world. One day Ted said to his brother "You know, we could do really well setting up our bungee-jumping service in Mexico".
John thought this was a great idea, so the two pooled their money and bought all the equipment they needed.
They traveled to Mexico and began to set up a tower near the center of the town for good publicity. As they began building the tower, a crowd assembled nearby. Slowly more and more people gathered to watch them work.
They were excited at having such a big audience that Ted decided to jump and show his prospective clients all about bungee jumping.
He bounced at the end of the cord. When he came back up, John noticed that he had a few cuts and scratches. As he flew by, John asked if the cord was too long. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to catch him. So Ted fell again, bounced and came back up.
This time Ted was seriously bruised and bleeding. Again, John just missed catching him and asked if the cord was too long.
Ted fell a third time. This time, when he bounced back, he was a complete mess with a couple of broken bones and was almost unconscious.
Luckily, John finally caught his brother and said "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Ted said , "No, the cord was fine, but what in the world is a pinata?
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"
As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.
"Well", said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into
solid gold.
"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an
exquisite young princess with a priceless crown of jewels.
"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. The elderly woman's dog raised his head a uttered a single, weak, hoarse "woof". "Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"
POOF: There, in front of the old woman, who has now turned
into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. More handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry you ever had me neutered."
Sam and Molly went for a divorce. The judge looked down at them. "How old are you?" he asked.
"Ninety-six," replied Sam, "and I'm in the pink, the pink!"
"Ninety-two," said Molly, "and I feel like sixty, judge!"
"And you want a divorce?" asked the judge.
"Yep, that's it, a divorce!" chirped Sam.
"A complete divorce," echoed Molly, wiping the air clean with her hand.
"Complete. I never liked her. Never." said Sam.
"He made me nervous from the beginning," Molly said, "from the first day, I couldn't watch him eat those sunflower seeds."
"How long are you married?" asked the judge, more and more incredulous.
"Seventy-two years!" they said in unison.
"Seventy-two…?" The judge took a deep breath.
"But why did you wait so long?"
They looked at him like he was crazy, and Sam said, "We wanted to wait until the children died."
This guy is having lunch with a British girl. He happens to compliment her on her eyes, and she responds to him, "You're stupid!"
His mouth drops at this, and he replies, "What???"
She says, "Oh, don't take offense. In my country, being 'stupid' means that you're nice."
He replies, "Oh, well thank you then. In that case, you're a stupid whore."
She looks at him in disbelief, and he says to her, "Oh, don't worry. In New Jersey, that's a compliment."
Dieting Tip
A great way to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much.
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter...Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!" She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!" Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that blowjob I promised you?"
"Here it comes...!"
A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. The obviously well trained salesman says, "But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half."
"Just bring me a size eight."
The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and says, "I've lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, my business has filed Chapter 7, and my son just told me he was gay. The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off."
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste." After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head.
"If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."
MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.
Three little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says, "My Daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings."
The second little boy pipes up, "Well, my Dad smokes, too, and can blow smoke out of his eyes."
The third little boy, not to be outdone responds,
"My Dad can blow smoke out of his butt."
"Really, have you seen it?" reply the boys.
The third boy responds, "No, but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear..."
LONGEST BOOGER
The longest dried booger trail was found under a table at a well-known public school. It was measured at 26 2/3 inches long.
LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hrs. and 12 mins. which was officially measured at 12 ft. 2 in. The offender is banned from 134 restrooms in his state.
WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghan tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm 'very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.
On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."
Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well,. that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"
An old italian couple is walking around in the mall. After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and ask: "Escusa me, have you seen-a my-a Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair?"
The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband. So the Italian woman goes to aks another saleswoman: "Escusa me, have you seen-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair?"
"No, I'm sorry ma'am, I haven't seen your husband."
The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask: "Escusa me, have you seen-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair?"
The saleswoman answers: "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety split."
To which the Italian woman answers: "No no no, that's not-a my Tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the breasts but he no lickety split!"
Q. What's grosser than gross?
A. When a guy gets a boner and runs out of skin.
Q. Why did God give women one more brain cell than a cow?
A. So they don't shit on the floor while they're doing the dishes.
The husband gets drunk, and insists on taking a friend home from the pub to show him his posh home. They get in the hall, and... "Shee that chandelir, thash mine!"
They progress through the house.... "Shee that big colour
tel'vision shet, thash mine."
Then upstairs..... "Shee that king-shise double bed, thash
mine."
"Shee that lovely woman naked in bed, thash my wife."
"Shee that feller lyin' on top of her... thash me."
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