A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher has him go down to the principal's office to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it.
He does this, returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom," she says.
"I did," he says, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon she'd come and pick me up from school."


I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already.
The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable.
I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.
Knowing the procedure, as I am sure all women do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc. At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready for a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom - where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No - I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."


A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.


A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit     the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd     hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.     "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't     mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."  "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the     dining room skylight."


Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon.
About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out...carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends.
All were singing Happy Birthday.
... and there on the couch I sat...
... with nothing on but my socks......


Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was laying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know I'm here." The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a little pause, the girl replied,"To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."


A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonalds. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."


A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart.
Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper?"
The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves".


Dan, a college student, is home for summer break. In order to make a few extra bucks he decides that he is going to apply for a part-time job at the local K-Mart.
Dan fills out the standard application and is called into the manager's office. The manager asks Dan, "Do you think you have what it takes to work at the Big K?"
Dan laughs to himself, thinking, "Is he kidding?" But since it was an interview he responded, "Absolutely." The Manager continued, "In order to work here you need to be a salesman and you need to be in touch with the customer. Do you think you've got those qualities?"
Again, Dan laughs to himself, "Is this guy serious?" but he says again, "Absolutely!" "Well let me show you how it's done," says the manager.
The manager leads Dan to a counter and waits for a customer. The first guy to come along drops a 50 pound bag of grass seed on the counter.
The manager says, "That's a pretty big bag of grass seed ya got there." "Yup," responds the customer. The manager winks at Dan and says, "Ya think you might need a new lawn mower for that grass you're putting down?"
Dan actually sees the lightbulb go off over the customer's head. "Yeah! That's a great idea." The manager leads him back to the lawn mowers and helps him pick out a really nice model.
"Ya see, Dan, that's how it's done. Ya think you can do that?" says the manager. "Hell, yeah!" says Dan, "Just watch!!" Dan steps up to the counter and the next man to come along drops a huge package of tampons onto the counter.
Dan looks at the box and then at the embarrassed customer, "That's a pretty big box of tampons ya got there," says Dan. The embarrassed man looks up feebly and says, "Yup." A moment of silence passes and then Dan blurts out, "Would you be interested in buying a new lawnmower?"
The customer looks up from his shoes and responds, "What the hell would I want a lawnmower for?" Dan winks at his manager and says, "Well, since you won't be having sex this weekend I figured you might want to mow your lawn!"


Element: WOMAN
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Weight: 135 (more or less, usually more)  
Physical Properties: Generally round in form.
Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.  
Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen. Ages rapidly.  
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.  Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.  
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
 
Element: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: 180 (+/- 100)
Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but gets bent out of shape.  Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.
Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young fresh samples.
Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for prolonged period of time. Pretty basic. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None really, except methane production.
Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell


An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.
The mother asks the daughter, "What are you doing naked?"
The daughter responds, "This is the dress of love."
When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband.
When her husband arrives, he asks her, "What are you doing naked?"
She responds, "This is the dress of love."
"Well," he says to her, "go iron it."


A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook and an eye patch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."


It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young woman beside her.
Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!"
"So would I," quipped the girl, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break."




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