A guy went out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them, and she said,
"You'll be the first; no one has ever touched them before." He tore off his pants and said,
"Look at this. It's still in the CRATE!"
The difference between bathing suits of Now and
Then is that the bathing suits of the past
required that you open the suit to see the
buttocks
The bathing suits today require that you open
the buttocks to see the suit
A man answers the phone and has the following
conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day.
Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought
to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know
how she is. Yes, I remember you warned me. I
remember you told me that she was a vile creature
who would make my life miserable and you begged
me not to marry her. You were perfectly right.
You want to speak with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to
his wife in the next room: "Gladys, your mother
wants to talk to you!
A funeral service is being held for a woman who
has just passed away. At the end of the service
the pall bearers are carrying the casket out,
when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring
the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the
casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A
ceremony is again held at the same place, and at
the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are
again carrying out the casket. As they are
walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out
for the Goddamn wall, this time!!!"
A man returned home from the night shift and went
straight up to the bedroom and found his wife
with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.
Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under
the sheets and proceeded to make love to her.
Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for
something to eat, he was startled to find
breakfast on the table and his wife pouring
coffee. "How'd you get down her so fast?" he
asked. "We were just making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my
mother up there! She came over early and had
complained of having a headache. I told her to
lie down for awhile."
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the
bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened.
Why didn't you say something?"
The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken
to that jerk for fifteen years and I wasn't about
to start now!"
A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?
Q. What do you say to a girl with no tits?
A.
Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
A. He was half nuts.
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter." One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After a long walk down the yellow brick road, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."
"NO PROBLEM" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., Well.., Well.., I need
a brain."
"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD?"
Up steps George Bush sadly; "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE," says the Wizard.
"CONSIDER IT DONE."
Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, not saying a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WELL, WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"
"Is Dorothy around?" Clinton replies.
NEWS FLASH
A hole has been found in a nudist colony wall. Police are said to be looking into it.
These three teenage girls were roommates. One friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.
The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."
The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud noise. She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"
It's the spring, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His knees are wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his eyes.
His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?"
He says, "Hibernate? Shit! I thought you said masturbate!"
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: "I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could right between his legs.
The Englishman fell to the floor clutching himself and howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now its my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg."
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!"
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.
The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter. "Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."
"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"
"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?
"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."
Jones, returning from a business trip, was surprised to find his wife in bed with a strange man. Both were nude and looked like they had been doing a lot of hard screwing.
"Why, you rotten bastard!" the husband exploded.
"Wait, darling," said Mrs. Jones. "You know that fur coat I got last winter? This man gave it to me. Remember the diamond necklace you like so much? This man gave it to me. And remember when you couldn't afford a second car, and I got a Toyota? This man gave it to me."
"For heaven's sake, it's drafty here!" shouted the husband, "Cover him so he doesn't catch cold!"
Researchers at Harvard have discovered why women love Chinese restaurants. Wonton spelled backwards is notnow.
A ladder was placed against the bedroom window of a burning house, and a young fireman rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a see-through nightie. "Aha," said he, "You're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!"
"But I'm not pregnant," indignantly exclaimed the brunette.
"You're not rescued yet either."
Q. Did you hear about the 13 yr. old boy that got hold of his fathers Viagra?
A. They rushed him to the hospital with 3rd degree burns on his hands.
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?"
"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
How To Lose Weight Fast!
There was this guy that was watching TV and this commercial came on, that said you can lose 20, 50 or 100 pounds in only one day, and it's guaranteed. So the man get's out of his chair and went to the place as fast as he could.
He walked in and asked the man if it was guaranteed that he would lose 20lbs the fist day! The man said yes that it is guaranteed. So he signed
up and the man at the desk said to go to the first door on the right. He
walks down the hall and opens the door to find one of the most beautiful
young women that he has ever seen.
The women says"If you can catch me you can have sex with me!"
Well the man goes crazy, and he starts running as fast as he could to catch the women. He ran for hours and hours, to catch this girl. Finally
he caught her and he starts having sex.
While the man was walking home he says to himself how great that was. He
lost 20lbs and got to have sex with a great looking girl.
The next day the man goes back and says to the man at the desk "You guarantee that I will lose 50lbs today" The man said yes that we guanantee it, and to go into the second door on the right.
He walks down
the hall and opens the door. There is an even more amazing girl and she
says "if you catch me you can have sex with me"
The man starts running after her as fast as he can but he has a real hard time catching her, but he doesn't want to give up because he wouldn't get to have sex with her. So he keeps running and finally catches her, and starts to have sex with her.
While the man is walking home he says to himself "I can't wait till tomorrow, because there will be an even more beautiful girl and I'll lose 100lbs.
So he goes back the next day and asks the guy at the desk if it is still
guaranteed for 100lbs. The man says yes and to go to the third door on the right.
He opens the door and there was the most ugliest looking, stinky, out right awful looking female the female says "I hope you can run boy!"
A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note:
"Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied;
2. There was plenty of heat;
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:
"Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.
Joe said, "Know what, Charlie? I killed 5 flies yesterday, 3 males and 2 females."
"How could you tell them apart, Joe?" asked Charlie. Joe replied, "That was easy. The 3 males were sitting on a case of beer and the 2 females were on the WEBTV."
Jokes page 0, More Sex
Jokes page 1, Sexy
Jokes page 2, OOOPS!
Jokes page 3, State Jokes
Jokes page 4, EEEK!
Jokes page 5, Sports
Jokes page 6, Young
Jokes page 7, Pranks To Do
Joke page 8, Sounds
Jokes page 9, Computer
Jokes page 10, Dumb Answer
Jokes page 11, Stupid Things
Joke page 12, Politics
Jokes page 13, OH No
Jokes page 14, Animals
Jokes page 15, Dinner Time
Jokes page 16, Heaven/Hell
Jokes page 17, Sneaking Around
Jokes page 18, Blonde Jokes
Jokes page 19, Oh Doo Doo
Jokes page 20, Police
Jokes page 21, Old
Jokes page 22, Dirty
Jokes page 23, hahaha
Jokes page 24, Your Stupid
Jokes page 25, Lawyers
Jokes page 26, Signs
Jokes page 27, Now thats dumb
Jokes page 28, Married
Jokes page 29, Travel
Jokes page 30, Pets
Joke page 31, Gee, Thanks
Joke page 32, Embarrassment
Joke page 33, and more computer
Joke page 34, Gone Fishing
Joke page 35, Even more sex
Joke page 36, Blondes 2
Links to other joke sites
HOME