Humor - TOP 10

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They say its best to keep your sense of humor in a stressful situation, but maybe we've taken it a little too far ... the top tens...

• 10.) You feel naked without your weapons.
• 9.) You can't remember the last time you were unarmed.
• 8.) None of your close friends have a 'real' name.
• 7.) You don't remember your own name.
• 6.) Your neighbors think you're a vampire.
• 5.) You're beginning to believe them.
• 4.) You can't remember the last time you weren't in a firefight.
• 3.) Your entire wardrobe consists of armor coats, battle gear and utility belts.
• 2.) You think it looks good.
• 1.) You select your attire to match your weapons.

• 10.) The bar clears when they see you coming.
• 9.) The wepon's check clerk has a box set aside for you
• 8.) It has your name on it.
• 7.) The matre'd asks what name you'll be using tonight.
• 6.) When something happens in town, everybody looks at you
• 5.) When you make reservations, you have to use a fictitious name
• 4.) A fasion designer's new fall wardrobe is named after you
• 3.) You have your own room at the Star.
• 2.) They keep your toothbrush on file.
• 1.) Doc Wagon wants you as its official spokesperson.

• 10.) You wake up with a hangover.
• 9.) You wake up with a hangover and you don't drink.
• 8.) You wake up in an alley way wearing nothing but a smile.
• 7.) You wake up with a Troll, an Ork and a Fixer...
• 6.) You wake up handcuffed in the back of a cruiser
• 5.) You wake up with a splitting headach and a gun pointed at you
• 4.) You wake up wrapped in gauzy-like thread and buzzing in your ear.
• 3.) You wake up under fire
• 2.) You wake up with a Troll sitting on your chest.
• 1.) You don't wake up.

• 10.) Believing your Johnson.
• 9.) Believing a Fixer
• 8.) Believing your press
• 7.) Running in the the shadows.
• 6.) Running in the shadows with scissors.
• 5.) Taking a milkrun as your last mission.
• 4.) Telling the joke about the Troll, the Ork and the Fixer.
• 3.) Telling the joke about the Troll, the Ork and the Fixer in a fixer's bar.
• 2.) Telling the joke about the Troll, the Ork and the Fixer in an Ork bar.
• 1.) Explaining the joke about the Troll, the Ork and the Fixer to a Troll Sam when he doesn't laugh.

• 10.) You've forgotten your anniversary (and you're married to an assassin.)
• 9.) The bartender is wearing a vest
• 8.) You meet your Johnson in his office and there's a drop cloth on the floor.
• 7.) Everybody's pointing their gun at you..
• 6.) Your ammo's spent, and they're still using long ranged weapons
• 5.) You're caught in a three-way crossfire and you're sitting on a pile of explosives
• 4.) Your rescuer is dressed in gold lame battle armor and is making strang "Click Wrrr" noises.
• 3.) He's starting to make sense.
• 2.) A mob of angry Trolls and Orcs are chasing you
  (and you don't even know the joke about the Troll, the Orc and the Fixer... )
• 1.) You woke up on the wrong side of the airlock.

• 10.) Its big
• 9.) Its smiling at you
• 8.) It wants to name you 'George'.
• 7.) Your sleep spells are tiring you out more than it.
• 6.) Its already taken out your sams, the bear shaman, the archanist and the rigger.
• 5.) You rush in to save you're team and find out youself standing in the middle of a circle.
• 4.) Its pulled out a recipe book and is eying you hungrily.
• 3.) Its asks 'White meat or dark?'
• 2.) You hit it with your most powerful spell and it doesn't even flinch
• 1.) You hit it with your most powerful spell, and it tell you to stop because 'It tickles'

• 10.) You're down to 2 MP5's and only 2500 rounds.
• 9.) Its unarmed
• 8.) There are 5 of them and only 10 of you.
• 7.) They're unarmed
• 6.) You have to rely on mele weapons and you only have
  • a dikoted Katana
  • a mace
  • flail
  • a pair of sai
• 5.) Its unarmed
• 4.) You've only loaded normal rounds instead of your usual exploding...
• 3.) Its unarmed
• 2.) You've taken a bullet in the vest.
• 1.) Its unarmed

• 10.) Your opposition falls down laughing.
• 9.) Your guard dog routine cringes with fear.
• 8.) A turtle beats you.
• 7.) Your construct has been changed to a bowl of oatmeal.
• 6.) Someone keeps filling your memory with the theme from the muppets show.
• 5.) You whip out your best defensive program and it appears as a paper parasol.
• 4.) Somebody's replaced your "gun" construct with a "banana"
• 3.) The banana works better then your gun.
• 2.) You are overpowered by your opponant.(the turtle)
• 1.) When you come-to, they've upgraded your machine.

• 10.) You need the money
• 9.) It sounds easy
• 8.) It sounds like a good deal
• 7.) You believe in the cause
• 6.) Lives are at stake
• 5.) You have no choice
• 4.) Your friends are in trouble
• 3.) Your family is in trouble
• 2.) You owe somebody a favor
• 1.) Its a living

• 10.) Nobody needs the money *that* badly.
• 9.) Nothing that sounds easy ever is
• 8.) It sounds too good to be true
• 7.) working for zealots is dangerous
• 6.) Yeah, like MINE
• 5.) You choose not to.
• 4.) Time to get some new friends
• 3.) You never liked them anyway.
• 2.) If they die, you don't owe them anything
• 1.) and I'd like to keep on living, thank you!

• 10.) Your remote argues with you... and wins.
• 9.) The video feed from your drone looks a lot like an I Love Lucy re-run
• 8.) That's been edited for television
• 7.) You've rewired your remote, but now when you start it up, the toilet flushes.
• 6.) Some one has reprogrammed your best remote's interface
• 5.) With something that looks like 'pong'
• 4.) It works better.
• 3.) Your car refuses to start because its depressed.
• 2.) You can't access your remote because its busy watching 'Black Hole.'
• 1.) You program your remote for a straifing run and it tells you "I can't do that Dave..."

• 10.) You spend more money on enhancements than on food, clothes and weapons combined.
• 9.) You have a tendancy to comment on the upgradability of the drone's your up against
• 8.) You can't shoot the drone that's bearing down on you because its a rare model.
• 7.) You ignore the inherent danger of the T-Bird preparing a straifing run because its so beautiful.
• 6.) You complain when the opposition uses their KX1300, when a 12 series could kill you just as efficiently.
• 5.) You throw yourself on top of a grenade to save your drone.
• 4.) You've named your drones.
• 3.) You've given them street names.
• 2.) You treat them like they're your childern
• 1.) You know them better than you know your own.

• 10) The truth depends on your view point.
• 9) There is no one truth
• 8) Why answer a question with an answer, when a question will do?
• 7) The truth means more when you find it yourself.
• 6) They do not wish to influence your quest for the truth.
• 5) The question is more important than the answer.
• 4) The path to the truth is an private journey
• 3) If they did, you'd worry.
• 2) It would rule out all the clever subtext.
• 1) But mainly: becuase it amuses them

Why you'll always get a straight answer from a Decker
(and it still won't make any sense)

• 10) The IC in the SYS-NODE is gray and the SEC-OS sucks.
• 9) Two words : Literal Minded.
• 8) No social skills.
• 7) No concept of reality.
• 6) The quicker they answer the less they have to think about it
• 5) the sooner you have your answer the sooner they can go back to the matrix
• 4) Clever word games waste time and energy
• 3) It rules out any need for clever subtext.
• 2) It amuses them
• 1) (But mainly: because it annoys the mage)

• 10)When you ask for an explanation, they say nothing and smile wisely.
• 9)They don't expect you to understand
• 8)They have better taste in just about everything
• 7)They do not consider caffeine a food group
• 6)They can spell.
• 5)They won't eat all your twinkies.
• 4)Better wardrobe to borrow from
• 3)If they're in a trance, they won't notice
• 2)They know everything
• 1)They don't fight major corps just on principal.

• 10)When's the last time a decker ticked of a force 10 elemental?
• 9)They understand the Three Stodges.
• 8)They can program your VCR
• 7)You can keep them busy for hours with old hardware
• 6)You can keep them busy for weeks with new hardware
• 5)They are easily amused
• 4)Better stash of snack food
• 3)They won't notice, even when they aren't in the matrix
• 2)They know all the dirty ditties
• 1)When's the last time a decker ticked off a force 10 elemental?

• 10) Rewire his controls
• 9) Switch his transcievers
• 8) Tag his favorite stealth drone with luminesent pain
• 7) Complain that his T-bird is too slow
• 6) Tell him he's just the driver for the 'real team.'
• 5) Ask where the cup holders are when he's bragging about his vehicle.
• 4) Attach curb feelers to his fenders.
• 3) Lots of them
• 2) Paint all his contacts with a protective layer of nail polish
• 1) Forget to tell him about it.

• 10) Make him watch the decker
• 9) Feed the light sensitive paper of his grimoire through a scanner.
• 8) use his scyring bowl for popcorn.
• 7) prove mathematically that magic doesn't work.
• 6) Teach his watcher spirits to play poker.
• 5) Teach his watcher spirits to belch.
• 4) Tell them its a sign of respect
• 3) use his'special' candles on a birthday cake.
• 2) Use his ceremonial knife to cut veggies
• 1) Apply for a correspondence course initiation and tell him you outrank him.

• 10) Install smoke detectors in his lodge.
• 9) Make him share a room with the decker
• 8) Make popcorn using his supply of sacred blue corn.
• 7) Offer to do his drumming then switch to a 3/4 time
• 6) Teach his watcher spirits to play gin.
• 5) Arrange his herbs in alphebetical order
• 4) By scientific name
• 3) jam with him when he's drumming
• 2) Ask him if he takes requests.
• 1) Use his medicine pouch as a teabag.

• 10) Bend his swords into plowshares
• 9) Tell him that violence never solved anything
• 8) Prove it.
• 7) Introduce him with the preface "It slices, it dices, it makes julienne fries..."
• 6)Call him schnuckums...
• 5) Call him Cuisinart
• 4) Replace his Katana with a blade made in Pakistan. (Pakistan, being well known for its ninjas...)
• 3) Make him share a room with the decker.
• 2) Tell him he's 'cute' when he's angry.
• 1)Compliment his sword : tell him it looks just like a real one.

• 10) Make him share a room with the mage
• 9) Make him share a room with the shaman
• 8) Make him share a room with the street sam.
• 7) Make him put his toys away
• 6) Hide his pop rocks.
• 5) Hide his supply of jolt.
• 4) Get him a top of the line deck... with a proprietary interface.
• 3) by Microsoft.
• 2) Tell him he has to use IE
• 1) Change his password to 'BillGatesRules'

• 10) Even if you pull it off, they will find out, they will get even
• 9) They didn't read the book, they wrote it.
• 8) If they didn't write it, they at least proofed it
• 7) and probably helped with the field research
• 6) They have much better resources than you do
• 5) Their friends are dragons...
• 4) You look an awful lot like hors d'oeuvres
• 3) Even if he promised not to kill you... there are things worse than dying.
• 2) a lot worse
• 1) They know what they are.

• 10) Sneak up on a dragon
• 9) Spend the money your getting on anything other than a funeral
• 8) Think of it as anything other than suicide
• 7) Leave your pager on 'Beep'
• 6) Think that you're safe, because he's asleep.
• 5) Think its going to be easy
• 4) Let the crazy guy with the coup stick lead
• 3) Sneeze.
• 2) Say: "I hear dragon taste just like chicken."
• 1) Say : "Shhh be vewwy vewwy quiet, we're hunting Dunkelzahn..."

• 10) His blades are made in Pakistan
• 9) He bought his Daisho from the Home Shopping Network *
• 8) His Diasho is Candy Apple Red,
• 7) They glow in the dark.
• 6) He writes bad Haiku
• 5) He writes good Haiku
• 4) He understands Haiku
• 3) He gets the joke about the Ork, the Troll and the Fixer
• 2) He thinks its funny.
• 1) He uses his Katana to roast marshallows

• 10) He speaks plain english.
• 9) He graduated from Phil's school of Thaumaturgy and Hair Styling
• 8) His assitant is dressed as a squirrel.
• 7) He keeps trying to pull a rabbit from his hat.
• 6) The Squirrel doubts his ability.
• 5) The only spirits he conjurs are Jim Beam and Captain Morgan
• 4) 'Casting the runes' means he's eating Alpha-bits
• 3) It takes him more than 3 tries to light a candle
• 2) ... with a bic.
• 1) He refers to Doug Henning as the 'Grand Master'.

• 10) His deck bears the Windows logo
• 9) He doesn't drink caffine
• 8) He has a girlfriend or other interests
• 7) He speaks plain english
• 6) He believes the porn sites should be outlawed
• 5) He believes in order and responsiblitily
• 4) He votes Republican
• 3) He thinks the Matrix is just a passing fad.
• 2) He thinks that 'Hackers' was a documentary.
• 1) He believes what you tell him

• 10) His 'drones' are all rc model cars.
• 9) He opens the car doors manually
• 8) He makes 'vroom, vroom' noises while driving
• 7) His idea of a flying remote is having an orc throw it.
• 6) He drives a 'muscle' Pacer.
• 5) He has a placebo chord hangin from the cigarette lighter
• 4) He works strictly 'off the shelf'
• 3) There's a meter in his car
• 2) He uses technical terms such as 'doo hickey' and 'thingie'
• 1) His 'training' involved a lot of quarters at the arcade

• 10) They'd argue over resources.
• 9) Incompatible interfaces.
• 8) You couldn't tell if they did.
• 7) No online cheat sheet/override codes
• 6) They'd have to find decker interested in something other than decking
• 5)They'd have to be interested in something other than decking
• 4) There isn't anything other than decking
• 3) Even if something else did exisist : They'd still end up decking
• 2) ...did you say something?
• 1) ... (sorry, Zaphod, our test subject has jacked in and there is no reaching him)

• 10) He teaches you the one about the Ork, the Troll and the Fixer
• 9) He tells you its the recognition code at your next meet.
• 8) At a Fixer Bar
• 7) He asks for your blood type, strictly for his records.
• 6) He's willing to give you whatever you ask for.
• 5) He doesn't even haggle over the price
• 4) He wants to pay you after the job.
• 3) He's driving a brand new Mercedes
• 2) He's smiling.
• 1) He's talking to you.

• 10) a decker can't even agree with him/herself as to which plan is best
• 9) They're already a free spirit.
• 8) They couldn't use a RAID device.
• 7) no social skills
• 6) The combination would result in buggy code
• 5) One debug statement and its all over
• 4) They would have to disrupt the hive as a matter of course
• 3) Design by committee is bad... (see COBOL)
• 2) Microsoft.
• 1) ever hear of a hive of cats?

• 10) No sex scandals... they'd eat the evidence
• 9) You *know* their agenda
• 8) Everyone would know they aren't in a Corp's pocket.
• 7) They love their mother
• 6) Socialized healthcare
• 5) they're good workers
• 4) They have good persuasive skills.
• 3) They have friends all over
• 2) Pro environment.
• 1) VERY family oriented

• 10)Remember Watergate... that had to do with Bugs.
• 9) Nobody likes reps with special interests, unless they're theirs
• 8) The system doesn't work if you can't be bought.
• 7) No pockets to dip into.
• 6) Armani does't make suits for them
• 5) Tendancy to assimulate visiting dignitaries
• 4) They don't look good on Trid.
• 3) 'selective service' takes on a whole new meaning.
• 2) Assimulation of whitehouse staff.
• 1) Wants to be Queen, not President

• 11. Those cute little antennae sticking through his helmet
• 10. That sucking thorax wound
• 9. Most people have a cat or a dog...he has a herd of aphids.
• 8. Why else would he have 6 identical pairs of combat boots?
• 7. He insists on carrying an Adam Ant lunchbox but won't say why
• 6. He cries every time he sees "The Fly"
• 5. He has an irrational fear of No-Pest-Strips
• 4. He tries to pass his mandibles off as "the newest thing in dental mods"
• 3. He's abnormally attracted to picnics.
• 2. His heroes are Flik and Z.
• 1. He runs under the fridge every time somebody turns on a light.

• 10) Strong urge to press each other's buttons.
• 9) No buttons to press
• 8) remote envy
• 7) They wouldn't know how to connect.
• 6) They aren't on the same frequency
• 5) They are on the same frequency (and they're tripping over each other)
• 4) It just doesn't feel the same as a T-bird...
• 3) Aren't rigged for it.
• 2) Its just too physical...
• 1) They can't agree on the interface

• 10) No sense of humor
• 9) They don't speak the same language
• 8) They just don't understand
• 7) They think when you're sitting there, you aren't doing anything
• 6) There's no convincing them of the genious of Shemp Howard
• 5) They get upset if you're three hours late.
• 4) They leave their eye-of-newt-stuff in the spice rack.
• 3) They think they're smarter
• 2) They don't see the beauty in an encryption routine.
• 1) Force 10 elementals tend to wreak havoc with hardware.

• 10) No sense of humor
• 9) They don't speak the same language
• 8) They just don't understand
• 7) They think when you're sitting there, you aren't doing anything
• 6) There's no convincing them that Shemp Howard was a bafoon.
• 5) They don't underdstand why you're upset when they're three hours late.
• 4) They refer to your supplies as "eye-of-newt-stuff" and try to throw it in the closet.
• 3) They think they're smarter
• 2) They get upset when you don't see the beauty in their encryption routine.
• 1) They're rude to your force 10 elemental.