Chapter 12
************ Justin ************
The doctor walked into the room and up to me. Everyone was so quiet as he handed me the clipboard. I looked at it and read over it over and over again. How in the world am I going to turn this machine off. How in the world am I going to cut that machine off and end my Cameron’s life. how can I do that? I looked at my mom and she was crying. I looked at Jaden and he didn’t know what was going on. He was playing with his little car.
“Jaden come here,” I said. He looked at me and smiled just like Cameron. He stood up and walked over to me. I sat him on my lap and sighed.
“We see mama,” he asked. I took a deep breath and kissed his head softly.
“Yeah,” I whispered.
“No cry daddy. Mama say no cry,” I smiled and kissed his head again.
“I’m not crying J. Daddy’s just having a hard day,” I said quietly. he nodded and hit the clip board.
“Smile,” he said. I smiled and felt like my heart was breaking. I looked down at the paper and the doctor handed me a pen. “Autograph,” he asked.
“Yep. But it’s for mommy,” I said. He laughed.
“Mommy don’t need your autograph,” he said. I smiled.
“Doesn’t and yes she does,” I said and clicked the pen.
‘Why come,” he asked.
“Jaden who in the world taught you to talk,” I asked and looked at him. he smiled.
“You daddy,” he said. I laughed at my little three year old.
“I have to sign this cause mommy is going to heaven and she needs me to say it’s ok,” I said.
“She’s going to heaven today,” I pressed my lips together and nodded.
“She’s not coming back then right.”
“No,” I said and licked my bottom lip.
“But I don’t want her to go,” he said.
“Neither do I buddy. But she loves both of us so much that she’s never going to leave our side and she will always be with us,” I said quietly. He looked down. “You love mommy too right,” I asked.
“Yes,” he said.
“Well then that’s all you need. She’s going to be in our hearts for the rest of our lives,” I said quietly.
“Am I going to get a new mommy,” he asked. I pressed my lips together and closed my eyes. “You going to get me a new mommy,” he asked. I opened my eyes and looked at everyone in the room. They were all bawling.
“No Jaden. No one will ever replace your mom ever. She’s my everything and the only reason I’m going to be ok is because I have you,” I whispered. “You aren’t going anywhere are you,” I asked. he shook his head no and I smiled. “Then it’s me and you buddy,” I said. he nodded.
“Can I have a hug,” I whispered.
He turned around and hugged me tightly. I held on to him and closed my eyes. All of a sudden I felt so much better. It felt like someone had just said, Justin it’s ok let her go. I released him and put him on the floor. I took a deep breath and signed the paper trying not to think. I dotted the i’s and my heart sank. I took a deep breath and dropped it on the floor. I felt like my heart was closing in on me. I put my head down and closed my eyes as tears poured down my face.
“Mr. Timberlake would you like to,” I didn’t let him finish.
“Yeah,” I said and wiped at my eyes harshly. I looked at my mom and she tilted her head to the side and bit her lip. “Will someone bring Jaden to me in about five minutes,” I asked. She nodded. Cameron’s mom stood up. “You want to come,” I asked.
“Yeah,” she whispered. I nodded and we started to walk out.
“Daddy,” Jaden screamed. I looked back scared by his tone.
“What happened,” I asked and looked at him.
“Don’t leave me too,” he said. I bit at the inside of my mouth and bent down. he ran into my arms and I scooped him up.
“Never,” I whispered and rubbed the back of his curly head. he smiled at me through his big tears. I sighed and we walked down the hall. Cameron’s mom was already in there with her. SHe looked so peaceful. Her face looked angelic. her mom kissed her head and stood up walking out. She looked at me her face damp with tears. I handed her jaden.
“Daddy’s going to be right back,” I said. he nodded and I walked into the room. I picked up her little hand and rubbed it softly.
“I just signed that paper,” I whispered. “And I know you said if it happened just do it and let God do His thing. So I did and I’m waiting. God I’m waiting. Please just give us a chance. Let us try. We deserve it, Jaden deserves it. He needs her mommy I need her. And I know it’s self fish but just this one time. Just give us this chance. Let her live. Let her see that beautiful baby grow up. Let her watch Jaden play and grow into the little boy she always wanted. I know I’m asking for way to much. And you have blessed our little family so much but please, please Lord give me my Cameron. She’s all I got. She’s all that I need. Please don’t take her from me, not yet, not now,” I whispered.
I waited and waited and yet nothing happened. I looked at Cameron’s face and chewed at my lip non stop praying she would open those beautiful brown eyes and look at me. I just wanted to see her look at me one more time. I wanted that moment just for a split second if that was all that was allowed. But nothing happened. The machines beeped and brought air into her tiny body and pumped nuritchment through her veins. I stood up and sat down on the bed beside her and rubbed the side of her face. “You are my everything Cameron Michelle and nothing in this world will ever fill this void that I have left in my heart. You are here for entity and I will dream every night about the moment when I will hold you in my arms again. I love you,” I whispered and pushed her bangs out her face softly. I smiled at her one last time. “I love you so much Camy. Go be the angel that you have always been in my heart,” I leaned down and kissed her lips so softly. My body trembled with the realization that I would never kiss those soft lips again. I stood up and fixed the blanket around her frail body and twisted the wedding ring on her finger so it shined brightly. I looked at her one more time before turning away from her and walking out the room. I looked at Jaden and reached out for him. He seemed like the only one that could make the emptiness in my life fill a little more full. He slipped into my arms and I held him so close to me and put my head on his shoulder as I swayed side to side trying to get myself together. But it was no use to more I held him the more and more I wanted Cameron back. The more I wanted her n his life. The more I wanted her in my life. I put Jaden on the floor and walked back into the hospital room. Nothing had changed since I left two minutes ago. It was still just as peaceful and that didn’t help.
“Cameron wake up,” I yelled. “Don’t leave me like this Cameron please don’t leave me like this. You said you’d fight for us baby you said you would fight. Why aren’t you fighting? Why aren’t you fighting for our love. Please fight,” I said and fell to my knees beside the bed. I held onto her hand as I slumped on the ground. “It’s not right. It’s not fair. You aren’t supposed to die now. You aren’t supposed to leave me. We are never supposed to leave each other and you’re leaving me. You’re leaving me with nothing. I’m nothing Cameron,” I whimpered. It was like I was talking to myself. “Someone HELP ME!!! GOD WHY? WHY Cameron. Take me instead. Take me. I might as well die too. With out her there is nothing left for me. She’s my heart, my soul, my reason for breathing. If you take her I...I...oh God please save me from this. Please don’t take her now. She doesn’t want to go. I’ll do whatever it takes. Just give me my wife, give me my soul. My rock. Please. Please,” I whimpered.
“Justin,” a horse voice said. I sat up and looked around but the door was shut and there was no one else in the room but me and Cameron. I looked over at her and her eyes were still closed. I sighed and closed my eyes again. “Baby I’m right here with you,” I looked around the room. What is going on with me. “Hey my sexy man. Stop those tears,” my breath got caught in my throat.
“Cameron,” I muttered.
“I’m here Justin and I’m not afraid. I’m not scared anymore. It’s so beautiful baby. Man you would love it. I just know,” I looked around the room and my eyes locked on the window. It seemed like a glow was coming from it. A deep golden glow. I squinted my eyes looking at the light. I blinked and when I opened my eyes again there was my Camy. Her hair laid around her face in gold locks. She had on the little pink dress that she had wore on the beach before she got sick the last time but what I noticed even more was the light in her eyes. The love had returned and so much life shined back at me. I smiled.
“You are so beautiful,” I said softly. She smiled brightly and giggled to herself. “WHat,” I asked as I walked over towards her slowly. SHe sighed and leaned against the wall.
“You are exactly the same as I left you. Corny comments and beautiful eyes. That’s my sexy man,” I smiled and stopped in front of her. I reached out and touched her tiny waist.
“I missed you so much,” I mumbled. She smiled and reached up touching my face softly.
“I’m right here Justin and I never left. I never left and I will never leave you. You know that and believe it. Know that I’m with you always. That I’m watching every little more you make and I’m smiling. Know I’m smiling down on you,” My eyes weld up and I bit at my lip. She smiled and rubbed my cheek softly. “Every time the sun rises and sets I’m with you. Every time the tide comes and and goes out I’m with you. Every time the dog gets loose I’m right there beside you running up the street. I’m always there because as long as you are on this Earth a piece of me is too,” A couple of tears escaped my eyes and I leaned down pressed my forehead against hers.
“I love you so much Cameron,” I muttered. She smiled up at me and placed her other hand on my face and looked right in my eyes.
“And I love you Justin. I’ve loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you and that will never change. Never,” I nodded. She smiled brightly and leaned up kissing my lips softly. My entire body lost control and I pulled her close wanting more. More then I ever wanted.
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