on animals...
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you're crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
on medical issues...
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.
It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry.
Then things get worse.
on drinking...
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
The day I can't do this job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.
on technology...
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
He's not stupid, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes!
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
on life...
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be misquoted and used against you.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Good judgment comes from bad experience,
and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Some days you are the bug,
some days you are the windshield.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.
on relationships...
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time you need them, chances are you won't be needing them again.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.
Sex on T.V. can't hurt you, unless you fall off.
There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.
on work...
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Don't be irreplaceable.
If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
on words to live by...
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three leftes do.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either. Leave me the hell alone.
It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time
to do it.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
on money...
My reality check bounced.
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.
on odd questions...
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
on one liners...
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory
A day without sunshine is like, you know night.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Seen it , done it , can't remember most of it.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Atheism is a non-profit organization.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.