Elephant Jokes Yes, it's the dreaded Elephant jokes, which depending on your state of mind, can be the stupidest jokes or the best jokes in the world. The key: Never tell/read only one. The effects are cumulative. Q: What did the grape do when it was stepped on by an elephant? A: It gave out a little whine. Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock? A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping. Q: What is a furry alligator? A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock. Q: Why are pygmies so short? A: They can't tell time. Q: What is that stuff between elephants toes? A: Watchless natives. Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow? A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard. Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard? A: No? Well, it must work. Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts? A: They're all on the same team. Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools? A: Because they might let down their trunks. Q. Why do elephants have four feet? A. Because lady elephants have big twats. Q: What do elephants use for tampons? A: Sheep. Q: How do you know there's an elephant in the area on the rag? A: All the sheep are missing. Q: What do elephants use for condoms? A: Snakes. Q: What do elephants use for vibrators? A: Epileptic pygmies. Q: How do you know if your elephant is on the rag? A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing. Q: Why do elephants have long trunks? A: 'Cuz mattresses don't have strings. Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? A: Take away his credit card. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker? A: A two-ton pickup. Q: What did the female elephant say during sex? A: "Can I be on top this time?" Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man? A: "Cute, but can you breathe through it?" Q: Why do elephants have trunks? A: Because they don't have glove compartments. Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant? A: Wipe it off! Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants? A: None of the offspring survived. Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in your yard? A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag! Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly? A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin. Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet? A: So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys. Q: What sound do monkeys hate most? A: Boooiiiiinnnggg... Boooiiiiinnnggg... Boooiiiiinnnggg... Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead. Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree? A: It was glued to the first one. Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree? A: It was really a copy cat. Q: Why did the fourth elephant fall out of the tree? A: It thought it was a game. Q: And why did the tree fall down? A: It thought it was an elephant. Q: Why did the kangaroo die? A: Because the elephants landed on it. Q: What do you give a seasick elephant? A: Lots of room. Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, but it has to be a pretty big light bulb! Q: What's the biggest drawback of the jungle? A: An elephant's foreskin. Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant? A: You can't get the toilet seat down. Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW? A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door. Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug? A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug. Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls? A: You walk him and pitch to the Zebra! Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? A: Great big holes all over Australia. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? A: Elephino. Q: Why do elephants wear sandals? A: So that they don't sink in the sand. Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground? A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals. Q: How do you get 1,000 elephants into a shopping cart at Safeway. A: To get the answer, you'd better get the 'S' out of Safe and the 'F' out of the way. (There's no 'F' in way!) Q: What does elephant and a blueberry have in common? A: They're both blue, except for the elephant. Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill? A: "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill." Q: What did Jane say when she saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill? A: "Look, there's 1,000 blueberries coming over the hill." (Jane was color blind.) Q: Why do elephants have four feet? A: Because six inches isn't enough. Q: What was so stupid about the two elephants who walked into a bar? A: The second one should have seen it coming. Q: How do elephants hide in the jungle? A: They paint their balls orange and stand next to orange trees. Q: What's the loudest thing in the jungle? A: A native picking oranges. Q: What's the fastest thing in the jungle? A: A native carrying a bunch of oranges. Q: How do you know when an elephant has been in the baby carriage? A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead! Q: What do elephants use for ben-wa balls? A: Dead babies. Q: What is the black stuff between the elephant's toes? A: Slow natives. Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? A: With a blue elephant gun, of course. Q: How do you shoot a red elephant? A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, & then shoot him with a blue elephant gun. Q: How do you shoot a green elephant? A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, & then shoot him with a blue elephant gun. Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant? A: First you bake a cake, and put 3 raisins on top, then you take it out in the jungle where the pink elephant will find it, and you wait. Eventually the elephant comes along, finds the cake, eats the raisins and throws the cake away. Then you go home and bake another cake and put 2 raisins on top, take it out in the jungle where the elephant will find it. The elephant comes along, finds the cake, eats the raisins and throws the cake away. You go home and bake another cake (Duncan Hines started out as an elephant hunter), and put only one raisin on it. Then you trek back into the jungle and put the cake where the pink elephant will find it. The elephant comes along eats the raisin, and throws that cake away. Now you go home and bake another cake, but (here's the sneaky part) you don't put any raisins on it. You take it out into the jungle where the elephant will find it and lie in wait. The pink elephant comes along and finds the cake, he gets SO mad that there aren't any raisins on it, he turns red, then you jump on him, strangle him until he turns blue... ...And you shoot him with a BLUE ELEPHANT GUN!!! Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant? A: "Aw, come one, have you ever seen a yellow elephant!?!" Q: What do the natives do if an elephant comes through their window? A: Swim like hell. Q: What's gray and comes in quarts? A: An elephant. Q: What's red and white on the outside and grey and white on the inside? A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup. Q: Why do elephants have red eyes? A: So they can hide themselves better in cherry trees. Q: Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? A: No? See how well the trick with the red eyes works. Q: Why do ducks have such flat feet? A: So they can stomp out brushfires. Q: Why do elephants have such flat feet? A: So they can stomp out burning ducks. Q: How do you fit an elephant into a fridge? A: Simple. Open door, put the elephant in, close door. Q: How do you fit a giraffe into the fridge? A: Open door, remove the elephant, put the giraffe in, close door. Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW bug? A: Five: two in the front, two in the back, and one in the trunk. Q: How can you tell an elephant has been in your fridge? A: There are footprints in the butter. Q: How can you tell if two elephants have been in your fridge? A: There are two sets of footprints in your butter. Q: How can you tell if three elephants have been in your fridge? A: There are three sets of footprints in your butter. Q: How can you tell if four elephants have been in your fridge? A: There are four sets of footprints in your butter. Q: How can you tell if five elephants have been in your refrigerator? A: There are VW tracks in the butter. Q: Why did the elephant fall in the cocoa? A: He slipped off the marshmallow. Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red? A: So they can hide in strawberry patches. Q: How do elephants get out of trees? A: Sit on a limb and wait for fall. Q: What do you do if you get stuck inside an elephant? A: Run around until you get pooped out! Q: Why do elephants hide behind trees? A: To trip ants. Q: What's one way to catch elephants? A: You need a sign that says "Free Peanuts," a bowl of peanuts, a pair of binoculars, an empty milk bottle and a pair of tweezers. Put the bowl under a tree where the elephants like to walk. Put the sign on the tree over the bowl. When the elephants come to eat the peanuts, look at them through the wrong end of the binoculars, pick up the little tiny elephants with the tweezers and put them in the milk bottle. Easy. Q: What's another way to catch an elephant? A: First you dig a big hole and fill it with ashes... then you wait for the elephant to walk by and you kick him in the ash-hole. Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails green? A: To disguise themselves as a pool table. Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? A: Time to get a new fence. Q: Where does an 8 ton elephant sit? A: Any damn where he pleases! Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails in rainbow colors? A: So they can hide in jelly bean jars. Q: Why is an elephant covered in wrinkles? A: Ever try to iron one? Q: Have you ever found an elephant in your jelly beans? A: No? Then the trick with the rainbow toenails must work. Q: When can you fit 10 elephants under 1 umbrella and keep them all dry? A: When it's not raining, of course. Q: Where are the elephant's genitals? A: On his foot. Q: Why's it said an elephant keeps his genitals on his foot? A: Because if he steps on you, you're fucked! Q: What's green and has a trunk? A: An unripe elephant. Q: How do you keep an elephant from stampeding? A: Cut off his stampeder. If you know an Elephant joke that is not on this page e-mail it to me and I will add it. Thanks. Click here to download this list of jokes as a zipped text file. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Auto-Biography]  [Buzz]  [Comics]  [E-Mail]  [Graffiti]  [Hobbies] [Home]  [Humor]  [Links]  [Music]  [Photos]  [Uncle Bob]