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The uneasy Kfor alliance seemed doomed yesterday as Russia announced that nuclear weapons had been aimed at Britain. Foreign Secretary Robin Cook has dismissed the threat saying 'Russian bases aren't manned, and anyway, they wouldn't know how to fire a nuke if I went over there and showed them.'
The rash decision by Russia seems to have been triggered after a 12% drop in UK Vodka imports. Russian Trade Minister Yuri Kevokiev said 'The UK have started to produced their own Vodka, causing them to import less. They must die.'
Odd
It seems a strange way to resolve a trade dispute, as destroying the UK would mean that there is no chance of them buying any of Russia's Vodka as they'd all be dead. Mr Kevokiev defended his country's stance saying 'It's a matter of principle.' The more likely explanation is that it's just an excuse for Russia show her military strength after the Kosovo farce. One Russian looking man in London said 'Fuck off, mate, I'm late for work.' Frankly, if that attitude is common to all Russians, and I'll rashly generalise and say it is, then no amount of negotiating will work.
Not Unprecedented
This isn't the first time that trade disputes have escalated into violence, as, in 1856, the USA attacked Canada over the alleged selling of fake maps, however this proved their downfall when the US Army ended up in Mexico.
In the late '80's British fishermen had a large sea battle with their Spanish over their quotas, only one man died (after getting pissed and trying to have sex with a shark) but the incident damaged relations between both sides. One involved gave a sobering account of the troubles 'We just drew up by their ship and swore at them. They threw a couple of dead fish at us, we left and got home in time for tea. I had beans on toast.'
Conclusion
The issue looks like it will resolve itself with the UK just ignoring Russia, and Russia looking for the 'on' button.
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