Ever wonder who'd win in a fight amongst Normandy characters? I have. So
here's my serious *snicker* attempt to deduce who would win if the crew of
the Normandy were to fight each other (try not to take it too seriously, it
is a joke after all):

Fight 1: Lt. Commander B. Hobbes vs. Captain Tom Jose

Tale of the tape:
Hobbes: Commanding Officer of Gamma Squad
Age: 21
Height: 6' 2"
Weight: 147 lbs

Jose: Commanding Officer of Sierra Three
Age: 28
Height: 5' 9"
Weight: He's not telling

Da Match up:
	Hobbes has clear cut advantage due to his youth and height, but Jose
shouldn't be counted out either. He may be older, but he also has more
experience.

Da fight:
	Both contenders immediately conclude that superior strategy will win
the day for them and scurry off to their respective quarters to plan their
attack. Jose's greater experience shows through as he is able to come up with
a winning strategy in under 5 minutes. Hobbes, on the other hand, spends an
hour debating with himself over the economic pressures which may or may not
have driven the South to start the Civil War. He then temporarily gives up to
watch his favorite episode of Pokéman. Jose gets bored waiting for Hobbes to
show up, and heads to the Mess to grab a quarter pounder with extra cheese.
Hobbes suddenly remembers he has to fight Jose and begins analyzing various
strategy books in an attempt to come up with something that will throw Jose
for a loop. While doing so, he stumbles across an odd marking on a page
corner that he suspects may somehow relate to the ancient Mayan civilization
of the Americas. Intrigued, he investigates. Jose starts on his third
cheeseburger and orders a fourth. Half-way through his thirteenth, Jose keels
over and enters a state not unlike hibernation. Frustrated with his presence
on the floor of the mess, Cookie Macchia unceremoniously dumps him in Dr.
Rhodes' lap and goes to complain to Commander Xanatos that his kitchen
supplies are dangerously low. Hobbes, in the meantime, has concluded that the
symbol he discovered was nothing more than an errant drop of ink that somehow
found its way onto his book.

Da Winner: Lt. Commander B. Hobbes


Fight 2: Lt. Ratislav O'Muirdagh vs. Gunnery Sergeant Jessie Powers

Tale of the tape:
O'Muirdagh: XO of Gamma Squad and certified heavy weapons fanatic
Age: 23
Height: 5' 7"
Weight: 141 lbs

Powers: Sierra Three's Gunnery Sergeant and closet heavy weapons fanatic
Age: She isn't telling (but older than 23)
Height: 6' 5"
Weight: 190 lbs

Da match up:
	Powers has a clear advantage where height and weight come into play.
However, the experience department may well be up for grabs as both have a
rather extensive backlog of misadventures under their belts. This could
arguably be the best match up of all.

Da fight:
	Both contenders meet on the field of battle and set a few ground
rules. Exoarmor and e-frames are voted out, hand weapons and knives are voted
in. They then part ways and agree to meet again in 15 minutes to have it out.
Each heads to the nearest armory with all due speed. As a happenstance of
location, they end up at the same one. Without so much as a glance in each
other's direction, they start strapping on enough weaponry to make two Neo
platoons cringe. With both arsenals nearly complete, both contenders reach
for the same grenade at the same time. O'Muirdagh tries to snatch it away
from Powers with a curt "Mine!" Powers retaliates with a strong tug in her
direction and by mimicking his outburst with one of her own. "Mine!" And what
could have been a really interesting fight, degrades into a something akin to
a pair of siblings struggling over a favorite toy. Weapons fly in every
direction as the duo wrestle on the floor in a desperate attempt to free the
grenade from each other's grasp. In the end, the pin gets pulled and the
grenade explodes, taking out both contenders and most of the armory.

Da Winner: Draw


Fight 3: Lt. Elan Morin Tedronai vs. Corporal Robert Preston

Tale of the tape:
Tedronai: Intelligence Officer of Gamma Squad and all around sneaky guy
Age: 21
Height: 6'
Weight: 160 lbs

Preston: Sierra Three's Corporal and night-time sneaky guy
Age: He isn't saying.
Height: 6' 4"
Weight: 250

Da Match up:
	Preston is one of the largest members of Sierra Three, whereas
Tedronai represents someone he routinely steps on to get ahead in the lunch
line. If the battle takes place at night or in night-time conditions,
Tedronai is in BIG trouble. In the light, however, he stands a chance. In a
direct physical encounter, Preston will in all likelihood hurt
Tedronai...badly. However, Preston doesn't really keep himself in as good a
shape as he should, whereas Tedronai does. He specializes in increasing his
endurance. So the longer the fight goes, the better Tedronai's chances of
winning. So, it seems that Preston will most likely go for the quick finish
and force a direct confrontation, while Tedronai will hang back and use his
wits to wear Preston down and then finish him.

Da Fight:
	Both contenders agree to have it out in the jumptroop hanger, giving
Preston the home turf advantage. Seconds into the fight, Preston kills the
lights and pulls his invisibility act. Tedronai remains calm and uses his
acute sense of hearing to track his movements. The game of cat and mouse
begins. Tedronai deftly avoids all attempts to corner him. He momentarily
manages to lose Preston and play his trump card. He opens an access panel
and, using a trick Kristin O'Connor taught him, reactivates the lights at ten
times their normal brightness. With the hanger lit up like a burning
Christmas tree, Preston might as well have a big target around his neck as
his blaqnite ability fails...big time. With no other option, he runs for
cover with Tedronai taking shots at him the whole way. Concealed behind the
only cargo crate in the hanger, Preston opens his backpack and removes his
secret weapon. Tedronai carefully makes his way to Preston, giving him plenty
of time to get the weapon ready. Tedronai springs around the corner to
discover....Preston in a pink dress with blond wig and matching purse! Years
of chivalrous programming take over as he quickly lowers his weapon, bows his
head, and offers a polite "My lady." Preston takes full advantage of his
moment of weakness by whopping him over the head with his purse, which he had
the foresight of filling with jagged scrap metal.

Da Winner: Corporal Robert Preston


Fight 4: Trooper Nikki Montgomery vs. Lt. Crow Mengele

Tale of the tape:
Montgomery: Gamma Squad's hotshot exofighter pilot
Age: 20 (robbing the cradle a little, aren't ya Crow?)
Height: 5' 9"
Weight: She isn't saying.

Mengele: XO and Comm officer of Sierra Three
Age: 26
Height: 6' 1"
Weight: 140 lbs

Da match up:
	Looking at the physical stats, Montgomery is the underdog. Being
aware of this, she undergoes an intensive physical training program coupled
with a specialized diet to get in better shape. She begins weeks in advance
and progresses under the watchful eye of Cookie Macchia. However, little to
no change of her physical condition occurs due to the fact she
ritualistically sneaks off to be with Amy Haitt and the two eat double stuff
oreos with milk all night, thus ruining Cookie's carefully planned diet. She
does, however, learn several new fighting moves. In the meantime, Mengele has
completely blown off training to make sure the lighting where the match is to
be held is romantic, his hair is perfectly cut and shaped, and that he can
obtain fresh flowers in time for the match up. Hours before the fight,
Montgomery is going over her fighting moves and discussing strategy with Amy
Haitt (again, with double stuffs in hand, much to Cookie's displeasure).
Mengele spends this time looking at himself in the mirror and practicing pick
up lines.

Da fight:
	Montgomery opens up with a flurry of kicks and punches. While not
really hurt by it, Mengele's flowers get trashed and his hair gets messed.
Thinking of it as an elaborate form of foreplay, Mengele grabs Montgomery by
the shoulders and plants a big wet one on her. Montgomery suddenly forgets
everything she learned over the past few weeks and reacts instinctively.
Mengele falls to the floor, clutching his groin and in serious pain.
Montgomery runs around like a chicken with its head cut off yelling something
about 'cooties'. Amy Haitt, who had been watching the fight from the catwalk
above, starts laughing hysterically and drops her bag of double stuff to the
floor below. Montgomery trips over it and knocks herself unconscious on the
deckplates. Mengele gets to his feet, now fully recovered. He looks angrily
at Haitt, "Thanks for spoiling my date, Amy!"

Da Winner: Lt. Crow Mengele


Fight 5: Lt. Kristin O'Connor vs. Lt. Amy Haitt

Tale of the tape:
O'Connor: Gamma Squad's Technical Specialist
Age: 20
Height: 5' 5"
Weight: She's not telling

Haitt
Age: 20
Height: 5' 10"
Weight: 135 lbs

Da match up:
	Haitt has the obvious height advantage, but O'Connor has more combat
experience. Neither particularly enjoys hurting others, so it seems that
whoever actually makes an attack first wins. But making that attack may take
some time.

Da fight:
	Haitt and O'Connor mutually agree not to fight hand to hand or with
weapons. Instead, they choose to use their technical expertise to design
remote controlled e-frames they can pit against each other. Thereby avoiding
harm to themselves or others. They spend several weeks building them. They
finish about the same time and set to battle. Haitt's attacks are slow and
awkward because she's not used to handling e-frames. As a result, O'Connor's
frame wipes the floor with it, smashing it around like a metal rag doll. The
battle concludes when O'Connor lands a blast to the main fusion generator of
Haitt's frame. The blast causes the generator to feed back and go boom.
O'Connor's celebration is short lived as Haitt suddenly realizes that because
she 'tim-allen-ized' her frame, the generator's explosion will result in a
massive feedback into the Normandy's main power grid (which she jacked her
frame into via a really long extension cord). A few seconds later the
Normandy is lost with all hands on board (oh, the irony!).

Da Winner: Draw, the last one, it seems.