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Humor
Front Page | Contents | Spiritual


I've always found humor to be intrinsically spiritual as its the one
thing we have that other species on this planet don't. 
Ability to laugh.
~Ellis~

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Peace

  It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to
  beat somebody. -Richard M. Nixon

  When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the
  killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for
  the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The
  killers are to blame.
  Dan Quayle -on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots.

  It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
  our air and water that are doing it. -Dan Quayle

  "The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher
  incomes than others."-Gerry Brown

  "It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."
  -George Bush, US President

  "I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --but I don't always agree
  with them."
  -George Bush, US President

  "I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes."
  -Richard Nixon, US President

  "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the
  truth. I assisted in furthering that version." -Colonel Oliver North, from
  his Iran-Contra testimony

  "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very
  wasteful. How true that is."
  -Dan Quayle

  "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of   people."
  -Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

  "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
  notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is
  a change in your circumstances." -Department of Social Services, Greenville,
  South Carolina

  "Please provide the date of your death."
  -from an IRS letter

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E Day~ device hid by DoD gate...

George W. Bush had the snoopers on alert,
 While Hillary Clinton with the CIA did flirt.
 All were lurking the email with care,
 except for Reno who was washing her hair.
 A bomb was placed by the NSA,
 designed to blow the dod away,
 The fbi will bungle the investigation,
 As the treasury will publish something on inflation.
 But Amerika will sleep very well,
 Cuz nucular warheads wont send them to hell.
 Yes hell is the government's home,
 and the net is where us freedom fighters roam.
 But what of the spies over in france,
 Have they attempted to get into Sadam's pants?
 Or have they hears and eyes to see,
 Just what the net is, the home of the free?
 So snoopers and poopers everywhere,
 You all can kiss this for all I care,
 Its our day to write and get even,
 So go to hell cuz your done thieven.
 
By Paul Pureau

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Question: How many internet mail list subscribers  does it take to
  change a light bulb?

(Submitted by Paul Pureau)
 
  Answer: 1,331:
 
  1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail  list that the light bulb
  has been changed;
 
  14 to share similar experiences of changing light  bulbs and how the light
  bulb could have been changed differently;
 
  7 to caution about the dangers of changing light  bulbs;
  27 to point out spelling / grammar errors in posts about changing light
  bulbs;
 
  53 to flame the spell checkers;
  156 to write to the list administrator complaining  about the light bulb
  discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail  list;
 
  41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames;
 
  109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this
  email exchange to alt.lite.bulb;
 
  203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and
  alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped;
 
  111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs
  and therefore the posts _are_ relevant to this mail list;
 
  306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy
  the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
  technique, and what brands are faulty;
 
  27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs;
 
  14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected
  URLs;
 
  3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this
  list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list;
 
  33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them  including all headers
  and footers, and then add "Me Too";
 
  12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing  because they cannot
  handle the light bulb controversy;
 
  19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three";
 
  4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb  FAQ;
 
  1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup;
 
  47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion  was meant for, leave it
  here; and, 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

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Winterize your lawn....
Submitted by Fred Buma

"Winterize your lawn," the big sign outside the garden store commanded. I've
fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a
lot of it die anyway.  Now I'm supposed to winterize it?  I hope
it's too late.  Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we've
come up with outside of thong swimsuits!  We constantly battle
dandelions, Queen Anne's lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover
that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed
through an annual four-step chemical dependency.

Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis
about this:
"Frank you know all about gardens and nature.  What in the world is
going on down there in the Midwest?  What happened to the dandelions,
violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago?  I had a  perfect,
no-maintenance garden plan.  Those plants grow in any type of soil,
withstand drought and multiply with abandon.  The nectar from the
long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of
songbirds.  I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now.  But all I see
are these green rectangles."

"It's the tribes that settled there, Lord.  The Suburbanites.  They
started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to kill them
and replace them with grass."

"Grass?  But it's so boring.  It's not colorful.  It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms.  It's  temperamental
with temperatures.  Do these Suburbanites really want
all that grass growing there?"

"Apparently so, Lord.  They go to great pains to grow it and keep it
green.  They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning
any other plant that crops up in the lawn."

"The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really
fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy."

"Apparently not, Lord.  As soon as it grows a little, they cut it -
sometimes twice a week."

"They cut it?  Do they then bale it like hay?"

"Not exactly, Lord.  Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."

"They bag it?  Why?  Is it a cash crop?  Do they sell it?"

"No, sir.  Just the opposite.  They pay to throw it away."

"Now let me get this straight.  They fertilize grass so it will grow. And
when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"

"Yes, sir."

"These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back
on the rain and turn up the heat.  That surely slows the growth and
saves them a lot of work."

"You aren't going believe this Lord.  When the grass stops growing
so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they
can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."

"What nonsense!  At least they kept some of the trees.  That was a
sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.  The trees grow leaves in the
spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer.  In the autumn they fall
to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and
protect the trees and bushes.  Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to
enhance the soil.  It's a natural circle of life."

"You better sit down, Lord.  The Suburbanites have drawn a new
circle.  As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles
and have them hauled away."

"No!  What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the
winter and keep the soil moist and loose?"

"After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they
call mulch.  They haul it home and spread it around in place of the
leaves."

"And where do they get this mulch?"

"They cut down trees and grind them up."

"Enough!  I don't want to think about this anymore.  Saint Catherine, you're
in charge of the arts.  What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?"

"Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about..."

"Never mind I think I just heard the whole story."

**************

OFFICIAL POSITION ON ROADS AND CHICKENS

By building the road it inevitably demanded that
the chicken should cross it.  Had there been no
road, which is a blatant  violation of free range chickens
territorial imperatives and intrinsic human, chicken
and civil rights the chicken could freely walk anywhere
at anytime without ever crossing a road.  There for,
if roads should be built,  a financial accommodation should
be in place to insure that all chickens everywhere are
properly and equitably compensated for the loss
and imposition of their way of life, culture and
interference in their daily lives in addition to punitive
damages incurred by not having come to this
accommodation and mutual agreement prior to the road
being built.


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From: "Night Wolf" <mohawkman61@hotmail.com

  AN AGE OLD QUESTION......ANSWERED
  WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?


  RONALD REAGAN:
  What chicken?

  PAT BUCHANAN:
  To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

  LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
  The road, you see, represents the black man.  The chicken crossed the
  "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

  THE BIBLE:
  And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou
  shalt cross the road."  And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much
  rejoicing.

  COLONEL SANDERS:
  I missed one?

  LA POLICE DEPARTMENT:
  Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

  RONALD REAGAN:
  What chicken?

  RICHARD M. NIXON:
  The chicken did not cross the road.  I repeat, the chicken did not cross the
  road.  I don't know any chickens.  I have never known any chickens.

  DR.SEUSS:
  Did the chicken cross the road?
  Did he cross it with a toad?
  Yes,The chicken crossed the road,
  But why it crossed, I've not been told!

  ERNEST HEMMINGWAY:
  To die. In the rain.

  MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
  I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
  having their motives called into question.

  GRANDPA:
  In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.  Someone told us
  that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

  ARISTOTLE:
  It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

  KARL MARX:
  It was a historical inevitability.

  SADDAM HUSSEIN:
  This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
  dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

  RONALD REAGAN:
  What chicken?

  CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
  To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

  FOX MULDER:
  You saw it cross the road with your own eyes.  How many more chickens have
  to cross before you believe it?

  MACHIAVELLI:
  The point is that the chicken crossed the road.  Who cares why?  The end
  of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

  FREUD:
  The fact that you are at all concerned with a chicken crossing a road
  reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

  BILL GATES:
  I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads, but
  will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook
  ---
  and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system.

  EINSTEIN:
  Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
  chicken?

  BILL CLINTON:
  By your definition, I did not cross the road with ANY chicken, for to be chicken would
  mean to NOT cross, so you see, because a chicken did cross, it
  was not a chicken and that means that I have nothing to hide whatsoever,
  However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.

  RONALD REAGAN:
  What chicken?

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