I Stand Up To Wipe My Ass (And I'm Proud Of It)
I was talking, talking to my cousin one day
We discussed how people wipe their asses some ways
I said I hate your bathroom mirror
She said rephrase that make it clearer
I said I don't like to watch myself wipe my ass
She said my gosh do you stand up to wipe your ass?
I said yes!
Said yes what's wrong with that?
I said yes!
I wouldn't find it if I sat . . .
I don't sit!
I stand up to wipe my ass!
I don't sit!
And I'm proud of it!
My cousin never let me live it down
In all this embarassment I have drowned
But I won't let myself get embarassed
No I won't let myself 'cause I'm the rarest
Belonging to those who
Don't care about what people say
Don't care about what people think
Don't care about other people's ways
Don't care about how people sit
They like to stand don't like to tilt . . .
I like to stand, I don't like to lean . . .
You ask if I stant, to wipe my ass . . . ?
I said yes!
Said yes what's wrong with that?
I said yes!
I wouldn't find it if I sat . . .
I don't sit!
I stand up to wipe my ass!
I don't sit!
And I'm proud of it!
I'm proud of it!
I'm proud of it!
I don't sit!
Yes I stand!
to wipe my ass!
And I'm proud of it!
("copywrite" january 1992)
No Time
I wish
I had time
To get myself out of debt . . .
I'd save
Every day
I've got ten minutes left . . .
Well what
Should I say
When I can't do the test . . .
I wish
I had time
To get myself out of debt . . .
I'd save
Should I say
When I get out of debt . . .
("copywrite" april 3 1992)
Iwobecdiac
I wouldn't be caught dead in a coffin.
("copywrite" january 1992)
I'm Too Ugly (parody of Right Said Fred's I'm Too Sexy copyright 1992 not used by permission)
I'm too ugly don't you know
I'm so ugly don't you know
I'm so too ugly . . .
I'm so ugly I'm overweight
I'm so ugly I never get dates
I'm too ugly still I try
I'm too ugly to get by
I'm so ugly trying to be sexy
I'm too ugly I'm so fat
I'm too ugly for my cat
Too ugly for my cat
I shake my overweight tush
On the catwalk yeah
And I'm laughed at yeah
I shake my overweifht tush
On the catwalk yeah
And I'm laughed at yeah
I'm too ugly for my shirt
So ugly I wear sweaters
So ugly it hurts . . .
I'm so ugly take my word
too ugly I feel like dirt
So ugly it hurts . . .
I'm too ugly take my word
I'm so ugly I can't sing
too ugly I can't dance
so ugly I can't swing
No I haven't got a chance
So ugly I can't write music
everything about me sucks
People say I'm such a puck
Yeah all of my music sucks
Yeah all of my lyrics suck
Yeah all of my dancing sucks
I'm too ugly for everything
too ugly for any fling
I'm so ugly I can't sing!
too ugly take my word
I shake my overweight tush
On the catwalk yeah
And I'm laughed at yeah
And I'm laughed at yeah
I'm so too disgustingly grotesquely overly humongously ugly
Take my word
and I'm too ugly for this song.
("copywrite" march 15 1992)
Acids
Ring around the rosies
Rockin with the stonies
Acids, acids
We all die of drugs
Ring around the bathtub
All of this scum to scrub
Acids, acids
I keel from the fumes
Messing with the acids
Screwing with the acids
Acids, acids
We all die from acids
("copywrite" march 15 1992)
Nothing Compares to Moo (parody of Sinead O'connor's Nothing Compares 2 U copyright 1990 not used by permission)
It's been eleven months and one more day
Since you took my milk away
I search my fridge every day and find no thang
Since you took my milk away
Since you been gone I can drink whatever I want
But it's milk that I wanna choose
Can't have milk any any restaurant
No nada
I said nada there's nothing I can do
'Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to moo
My mouth's been so dry without my milk
Like a foot without a thong
Nothing can stop my tongue's taste buds from tasting
I haven't gone shopping for so long
I could put my lips around every jug I buy
But they'd only remind me of yours
I went to the dairy and guess what they told me
Guess what they told me
They said "Hey you better try to drink milk
it does a body good
better than food"
Oh nothing compares
Nothing compares to moo
All the cartons that you've hidden from me
In the greenhouse
Rotted when the sun came out
When we lived together you had to hurt my feelings
Are you willing to get out of my life?
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to moo
("copywrite" january 1992)
. . . To My Mother, The Quack
. . . Then Jack got a girlfriend
And moved to the country
Jill, Jack was her boyfriend
She said she was thirsty
So Jack and Jill went up the hill
To the well they had discovered
Jack fell back and broke his ass
And Jill broke out in laughter
Up Jack got and told her "Not!"
And said that she had pushed him
She said "You twit--now you just slipped"
And apparently that hushed him
Soon Jill got a baby
Jack often wondered why
Jill didn't care; she sat the kid on her lap
And sung it a lullaby
"Hush little baby, shut up right now
Or your dad's gonna knock you into another world
And if your dad's too tired to swing
Daddy's gonna cut you with my diamond ring
Now I'm just kidding I'm a smartass
All he might do is make you drink some gas
And if the gasoline won't work
Well then he'll just plug your mouth with a kork
And if some day you run away
Then we'll have a great big party that day
And for some reason
The baby's name was Muffet
When she found out she
Told Jill to stuff it
Then she grew up
and never saw her parents
again except in pictures
Then one day . . .
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
EATING ROTTEN MILK
Then came a spider
that sat down beside her
it said
Hey bitch, what's in the bowl?
Hey, bitch . . .
Hey, bitch . . .
Hey, bitch, what's in the bowl?
Hey, bitch, what's in the bowl?
Hey, bitch, what's in the bowl?
Muffet screamed and ran away
And her parents had a party
The pider crawled away too
came upon boy blue and
told him to blow his horn
The spider knew
that poor boy blue
he needed the money
When Muffet ran away
she became a poor babe
on the streets, singing . . .
Old chairs to mend! Old chairs to mend!
I never would cry old chairs to mend
If I'd as much money as I could spend
I never would cry old chairs to mend
Old clothes to sell! Old clothes to sell!
If I'd as much money as I could tell
I never would cry old clothes to sell
I'll spay your dog! I'll spay your dog!
If you only had a pet frog
I never would say I'll spay your dog
Then Jill found a shoe
And found another man
Then she lived in the shoe--
And turned into a vending machine
That's why there was an old woman
Who lived in a shoe
She had so many children
She didn't know what to do
She was a real bitch
what everyone said
So she whipped all their asses
And sent them to bed
Ding, dong . . . ding, dong . . .
After a while they got a few pets
Ding, dong . . . ding, dong . . .
Ding dong bell, pussy's in the well
Who put her in? Little Johnny Green
Who pulled her out? Little Johnny Stout
What a naughty boy was that
To try to drown poor pussycat
Who never did him any harm
And killed the mice in his father's--
--shoe??
And by the way, about the spider--
He crawled up the water spout
Down came the rain and
Washed the spider out
Out came the sun and
Dried up all the rain
The itsy bitsy spider
Crawled up the spout again
One day he came out again
and there was a man
He got in the man's way
and then he was flat.
And as for Miss Muffet, she died of old age
Everyone was glad they
wouldn't hear her coughing
when she was finally
placed in her nice coffin
One of her kids was Mary
Mary, Mary, quite contrary
Why does your garden stink?
With rotten lines of rotten food
Is it edible you think?
Another child was Jack the Ripper
His sister broke his zipper
Another brother made a joke
and then they both broke
'cause Jack had hit 'em
Jack then killed all of the kids
Yes, that's what he did
He had no wealth
So he killed himself
and everyone was rid.
("copywrite" february 4 1992)
what's the difference
War . . .
Peace . . .
What's the difference?
(There is no difference, not today)
Justice . . .
Crime . . .
Jail . . .
What's the difference?
(There is no difference, not today)
Black . . .
White . . .
Red . . .
Yellow . . .
What's the difference?
(There is no difference, some people say)
Cities . . .
Countries . . .
Planets . . .
Worlds . . . (the world my ass)
What's the difference?
(There is no difference, we're all in one place anyway)
Pricks . . .
Dicks . . .
Assholes . . .
Toilet paper . . .
What's the difference?
("copywrite" january 17 1992)
