101 reasons why i'm leaving bags of burning shit at your front door
1. You did a half ass job when you shot the sheriff but did not shoot the deputy
2. You slept with my girlfriend and didn't invite me
3. You foiled my plans for world domination
4. The magic eight ball said it was okay
5. Rosebud
6. You are the unabomber
7. I wanted to be the unabomber
8. I'm not creative enough to think of a name as good as the unabomber
9. My A-bomb is not done yet
10. I sold my other A-bomb to Pakistan
11. You stepped on my foot
12. You voted for Reagan
13. You voted for Bush
14. You didn't vote for Clinton
15. You asked why Baskin Robbins doesn't have 32 flavors
16. You wanted to vote for G.W. Bush
17. You never announced your candidacy for senate
18. You do not speak Swahili
19. Just look at your wardrobe
20. You look like an Aries, but are in fact a Scorpio
21. You never offered me a toke off your crack pipe
22. The force is with you, but you are not a Jedi yet
23. You know why
24. If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you
25. I saw it on Martha Steward and it looked like fun
26. It's my constitutional right as an American citizen
27. I plead the fifth
28. The voices in my head told me to
29. The voices in your head told me to
30. Satan loves me for it
31. For the hell of it
32. The gods chose your doorway as their altar
33. It's not shit. It's incense
34. I must do it to save the human race
35. Nixon's dog Checkers told me to
36. The ghost of Hitler told me to
37. It never happened, you had some bad weed
38. It never happened, you had some great weed
39. Either it happened or I had some great weed
40. What else could I do with a bag of shit?
41. A Beatles song told me to
42. It's violence on t.v.
43. It's that time of the month
44. You asked for it using subliminal messages
45. It wasn't me. It spontaneously appeared there.
46. Lord Zargonot of Xeoania 5 commanded it
47. I was just following orders
48. That information is on a need to know basis
49. In a past life you killed me
50. It was an initiation into a gang
51. It was an initiation into a cult
52. It was an initiation into the Republican Party
53. I wAs DrinCkn'
54. You were drinking
55. I didn't do it; I was raping someone on Third Street at the time of the incident
56. You remind me of my mother, I hate my mother
57. I was too busy writing this list to have done it
58. You didn't ask if I wanted to supersize that
59. It's for a new Bill Cosby special: "Drunks do the darndest things"
60. You were my father, now you're my mother
61. Never testify against the mob
62. Are you sure you didn't put it there?
63. My horoscope told me to
64. You’re the psychic, you should already know
65. They burn it in the desert, why not your porch?
66. You wouldn't buy my Girl Scout cookies
67. It's an ancient feng shui technique
68. Someone signed you up for the shit of the month club
69. It's the only way to make you love me
70. You're on my shit list
71. You don't use your full postal zip code
72. I had to do something while I was on hold
73. You didn't fill out your census form
74. You never called after that night
75. If I left it on you back door how would you find it?
76. The pope told me to
77. There is no commandment that says "thou shalt not burn shit at thy neighbors door."
78. I'm protesting the war in Vietnam
79. You are a Capulet
80. You are not of the master race
81. You are a member of the communist party
82. Your porch light was broken; you needed a light
83. I was not a loved child
84. I was not breast fed
85. Big Brother told me to
86. Big Nurse told me to
87. Big Bird told me to
88. The Matrix framed me
89. Serves you right for getting me a fruit cake for Christmas
90. I was marking my territory
91. My pet goldfish told me to using bubbles for Morris code
92. It's art, man. I'm expressing myself.
93. I wanted to set an example for other shit that bad things happen here
94. I needed to fulfill that part of The Prophecy
95. Restraining order my ass
96. And on the 74,368, 212.5th day God said "go forth and burn bags of shit", and I did, and it was good.
97. I know you were the second gunman on the grassy knoll
98. I couldn't afford to buy a skunk
99. Property taxes were too high; I had to devalue the neighborhood somehow
100. The voodoo doll wasn't working fast enough
101. Oops. Wrong house.