Farmer Joe is "world famous" after his stint on Larry Matthews' KUBA radio program (may it rest in peace) in 1998 & 1999. But HE IS A REAL PERSON! Yes, it is hard to believe (incredibly) but he is! The following poems and stories about Farmer Joe are WORLD FAMOUS and EVERY BIT FACTUAL (don't you believe it!) about the WONDERFUL FARMER JOE GREER! HE SHOULD HAVE A MONUMENT MADE TO HIM - AND THIS IS IT!

THE SAGA OF O.J. AND FARMER JOE

It was a dark and stormy night when Farmer Joe discovered the broken, dead body of O.J. (no relation to you-know-who!) Joe saw the hapless feline on the side of the road and kept going - knowing full well that the cat would still be there the next day (but probably a little flatter!)

O.J. had been a kind and faithful friend for years, but the pleasures and attractions of that stretch of Highway 20 near Sutter, California had proven too much for the furry, orange, noisy feline.

The next day at the office,(Joe's goof-off day job away from the farm) Joe was obviously saddened by the loss of his friend, and those of us who sat close to Farmer Joe were subjected to a sad face along with a pathetically mournful voice tone all day long. Joe was indeed sad that his favorite pussy cat (out of 7 cats!) had gone on to the big sandbox in the sky.

That night Joe meandered home emitting wails of mourning all the way from Yuba City to the outskirts of Sutter.

Shortly after reaching home, Joe grabbed his shovel and buried the pitiful, orange scraps (now resembling a Frisbee) that had been his best friend. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he placed the last shovelful of dirt on the grave and gave the pile of sod a loving last pat with the shovel. A crude cross was erected that night (a formal one from Sutter Cemetery was planned to be ordered later, I am sure).

Depressed, and with a tear in his eye, Farmer Joe struggled back to the house to bury his head in a pillow in order to soften the complete devastation that he felt.

After a few weepy hours, Joe decided to go outside again to clear his head. Suddenly, out of the night, there came a shrieking yowl!! Joe was startled and then looked over to the corner of the yard. There, sitting in the dark edge of the yard was O.J.!! Obviously, O.J. was trying to let Joe know that he had buried someone else's cat!!

At that moment, the sky opened, the day brightened and the birds began to sing!

Farmer Joe and O.J. are as happy as before and all is right with the world. But I am sure that next time Farmer Joe will check for ID'S.

"SPEEDY":

EVERY TIME HE KILLS A MOUSE, HE RUNS AROUND CRAZY THROUGH THE HOUSE.

HE RUNS AND HIDES WHEN JOE WALKS BY, AND WATCHES JOE'S SHOVEL WITH A CAUTIONS EYE.

HE LIES UNDER THE CAR IN THE SHADE, COOL AS A KITTEN AND UNAFRAID.

HE LOOKS AT LARRY AND SPITS A HISH! AFRAID HE'LL GRAB HIS LEGS AND MAKE A WISH.

WHEN HE STANDS IN THE YARD AND TAKES A PEE, HIS NAME'LL NEVER BE SMOKIE. IT'S SPEEDY TO ME!

"FLUFFY":

BURIED CATS, BURIED CATS, RISING FROM THE GRAVE.

BIG RED EYES! YOU KNOW FOR SURE YOUR SOUL WON'T BE SAVED.

DEATH AND DESTRUCTION IN THE MUDDY GROUND.

RETRIBUTION COMES AGAIN WHEN FLUFFY COMES AROUND.

NO KITTY! NO KITTY! DON'T BITE ME ON THE NECK!

GUESS I'LL KILL AND BURY YOU BETTER NEXT TIME BY HECK!

"JOEY'S UNIQUE RECIPE":

WAITING FOR CATS TO COME BY.

THIRSTING FOR KITTY STIR-FRY.

HE CARES NOT WHAT COLOR THEY ARE.

EVEN THOSE HE HIT WITH HIS CAR.

PATIENCE IS HIS MIDDLE NAME.

CAT HUNTING IS HIS FAVORITE GAME.

TASTING THAT KITTY SOUFFLE'.

SAVING THE TAIL FOR ANOTHER DAY.

NO PARTS GO INTO THE GRAVE.

TOE NAILS AND FUR HE DOES SAVE.

COMPLETE CAT IS WHAT JOEY CRAVE.

HE BURNS THEM IN HIS MICROWAVE.

TRANSCRIPT OF KUBA RADIO "LARRY MATTHEWS' SHOW" FROM JANUARY 2, 1999, EARLY EVENING:

LARRY: "AM 1600 KUBA. Hey I have Farmer Joe from Sutter on the line. How ya doin' Joe?"

FARMER JOE: "I'm doin' fine".

LARRY: "Well, good, good. Hey I understand that you just got back from Medford, Oregon where you bought about 500 cats - is that right?"

FARMER JOE: "No, No! You are always exaggerating!. I only picked up a dozen!"

LARRY: "A dozen, yeah. Hey what's the truth about the story about you? I understand that you have either 400 acres with 40 cats or 40 acres with 400 cats?"

FARMER JOE: "Well, it's 40 acres with 400 cats."

LARRY: "You do, you do, and how do you keep track of your many cats? I really want to know."

FARMER JOE: "Well we have tail tags."

LARRY: "Tail tags!"

FARMER JOE: "Yeah, each cat's got a tag on it's tail you know, and they flap in the wind. Of course, they are color coded. And we are able to differentiate between 400 cats. We have about 30 of them that are called Smokie. 20 of them that are called Fred."

LARRY:"You are famous out in Sutter because I understand that you give a 4th of July celebration for your cats. Is that right?"

FARMER JOE: "Well we have shot up fireworks. They are a little leary of fireworks even if they are in the shapes of fish and other delacacies that they like to eat. But we try to please them."

LARRY: "Very good. You just really love your cats - I know that. You are known far and wide for loving cats."

FARMER JOE: "That is true, Larry."

LARRY: "Hey, well I really appreciate you being on the show tonight 'cause you are a gentleman and a scholar and a cat lover like I am."

FARMER JOE: "Well, I try to be a man of few words."

LARRY: "Well you aren't. You usually talk my head off. All right guy, have a good evening."

FARMER JOE: "Toodles."

TRANSCRIPTS OF TWO PROMOS FROM FARMER JOE:

"Hi. I'm Farmer Joe from Sutter. As you can hear (barnyard sounds in the background) I have quite a few animals who get really excited when the Larry Matthews Show comes on KUBA. You should see them dance to that great country music. But the one who loves it best is my pet tom cat Igor. Right Igor?" (weak meow)

"Hi. I'm Farmer Joe from Sutter. Everytime I'm out slopping my hogs on my 40 acres, I love listening to the Larry Matthews Show on KUBA. But no matter how much I like listening to the Larry Matthews Show, my kitty cat likes it even better. Right Igor?" (lion roar)

THE FACTS: ACTUALLY MOST OF THE ABOVE IS TOTALLY UNTRUE ABOUT FARMER JOE. HOWEVER, THE STORY OF O.J. IS PRETTY CLOSE TO BEING TOTALLY CORRECT. THE TRANSCRIPT OF THE ACTUAL RADIO BROADCAST IS 100%, WORD FOR WORD, ACCURATE. AND THE TWO RADIO PROMOS ARE WORD FOR WORD ACCURATE (we must have been nuts!).

IN ACTUALITY, FARMER JOE DEARLY LOVES CATS AND WOULD NEVER EAT OR EVEN BITE ONE, UNLESS OF COURSE, THE CAT BIT HIM FIRST!!

(By the way, this slightly twisted web site is all in fun. We love cats and would NEVER hurt one.)

"There's a connection - Sometimes cats are more human than human." - lrm