I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able
to serve the Southern United States
on Christmas Eve. Due to the over -
whelming current population of the
earth, my contract was renegotiated
by North American Fairies and Elves
Local 209. I now serve only certain
areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,
Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of
the new and better contract I also
get longer breaks for milk and cookies
so keep that in mind. However, I'm
certain that your children will be in
good hands with your local replacement
who happens to be my third cousin,
Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the
South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys
and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us. Differences
such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch
stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a
bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies,
Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave an RC cola and a moon pie on
the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't
smoke a pipe. He dips a little
snuff though, so please have an
empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of
loaning him a couple of my reindeer
one time, and Blitzen's head now
overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid,
on Donner and Blitzen .." when Bubba Claus
arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt,
on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd,
on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by
"Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws,
Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words
"Back off". The last I heard it also had
other decorations on the sleigh back as well.
One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that
race through the letters.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such
as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a
Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as
Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I
were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and
the kids turn the other way when he bends
over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs
have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's
"Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year
songs about Bubba Claus will be played on
all the AM radio stations in the South.
Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's
"Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma
Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Clause
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)