Self-Injury
I used to think that I was the only one that cut myself. That I was really demented because I would slice my own flesh with a razor. Well, that's not totally true either, because I had a friend in high school who used to cut as well, and we would occasionally compare scratches. Except she used to tell everyone about it, while I would be discrete, hiding my secret shame, wondering what was wrong with me. Then I started to work at a residential treatment facility. There I found out several residents would cut on themselves, and therefore were labeled (damn labels) Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). And this pissed me off, because I do not have a borderline personality disorder, and it seemed rather shallow to label all those who cut with such a tag. So I set out searching for some answers. First I read everything I could about BPD, to assure that was indeed not my problem. And then I discovered the internet.
I am not alone! and neither are you!!
* There were others out there who cut because they were in pain, and that was their way to release it. There was even a name for it. Self-Injury. Another label, but a bit more accurate. It was incredibily reassuring to find out this information, to find others who just might understand how I feel, to know that I wasn't totally demented, because I am not the only one.
That is why I am here now. So that others will realize that they are not alone. Because for ten years, I thought I was the only one. And that was an awful feeling.
* So here is my story. I started cutting in high school. I don't know why I reached for the razor the first time, I guess b/c it was there. I was in too much pain, and I didn't know what to do about it. So I cut. To see blood was reassuring, to think I was getting what I deserved. I was numb. I couldn't feel any of the pain I was experiencing, so I cut in hopes that I would. It got to be an impulse. Got in an argument with my mom, had a bad day at school, just reached for the razors. You don't think. You just cut. And you don't feel, as desperately as you want to. All you usually feel is ashamed afterwards.
* I suppose I could have started drinking, or done drugs, or even smoked, but there was such a stigma attached to that. And I still had to be the perfect kid. A perfect kid like me couldn't get mixed up in that. So I cut instead, cuz I could still escape and no one would know. my own private idaho.
* I don't cut anymore! This is really amazing for me, and it wasn't easy. I cut my hand one day, and I just looked at my scars a couple of weeks later and thought, what the hell am I doing? How am I going to explain these scars? So I stopped.
* UPDATE! I first wrote this webpage in 1997, and could not bring myself to touch it again. I had quit cutting, but then in 2000 I got frustrated with a manipulative (now ex-) boyfriend and sliced my forearm deeply. Here it is, 2006, and I still bear the scars from that stupidity. For many years I'd only wear long sleeves, but now I am starting to go short and learning to ignore those that look at my curiously, oddly, with judgement in their eyes, raised eyebrows dancing on their faces. It's that scar that keeps me from cutting, yet the impulse is still there. I thought the desire would go away; it turns out instead it is something I've had to learn to live with. It's been and continues to be a struggle, and the hardest part continues to be going it alone. I am so thankful for the 1001 websites out there created by others who do understand how I feel. I am a small but sincere voice and I wish you the best on your journey....may you realize how good you are, that you do deserve the best.
Want to know more? Still think you are the only one? I've got some sites you should visit----
secret shame - an excellent comprehensive site
Self-Injury and related Issues
Self-Injury: A Struggle
Self-Injury- has some good suggestions for alternatives to self injury
Mollykat's Self Injury Links-
her own writing and some more excellent links
Tigger's Self-Harm Page
cutters- by
Razor
But a Dream within a dream
Recover Your Life
Any sites you think I should add? Please let me know.
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