Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poop come
out, but there is no poop in the toilet.

Clean Poopie- The kind where you poop it out, see
 it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50
times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some
toilet paper between your butt and underwear so you
won't ruin them with a skid mark.

Second Wave Poopie- This happens when you're done
 Pooping and you've pulled up your pants to your knees, and
 you realize that you have to Poop some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind where
 you strain so much to get it out, you practically have
 a stroke.

Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy, everyone within earshot
is laughing.

Drinker Poopie- The kind of Poop you have the morning
after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable
trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of Poop that is so
huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it
 into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Corn Poopie- Self-explanatory.

*Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie Poopie- The kind where
you want to Poop but all you do is sit on the toilet and
fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so bad
coming out, you would swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)- The kind that
 comes out of your butt so fast, your butt gets splashed
 with water.

**Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown
 liquid shoots out your butt and splashes all over the
toilet bowl.

Mexican Poopie- It smells so bad your nose burns.

The Surprise Poopie- You're not even at the toilet
 because you are sure you're about to fart, but oops.......a
Poop!!!

The Dangling Poopie- This Poop refuses to drop into
the toilet even though you know you are done
 Pooping it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it
 loose.

Fishermen's Bobber Poopie- That's the kind where
 you are in a public restroom, there are two people
 waiting in your stall, you poop and flush two times, but
several golf ball size pieces are still floating above the
 water line.

Richard Simmons Poopie- You poop so much you lose
 30 pounds.

*Also known as the Wizard of Oz Poopie where all
that comes out are a couple of munchkins and some music.

**This is different from the Applejuice Poopie
which leaves the system in the exact same form it came
 into the mouth.

1.  Quarters  are like gold
2.  Two meals a day is standard
3. You can never make too many meals in a hotpot
4. Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/crusher before
5. You will begin to nap again
6. Your bookstore bill will almost equal tuition
7.  Squirt gun=stress relief
8.  E-mail becomes a second language
9.  Frat parties are like they are shown in the movies
10. You never realized how many people were smarter than you.
11. Western Europe could be wiped out by a plague and you would
never know but you can recite last weeks episode of South Park verbatim 12. See every free movie provided because the price actually equals the
amount of money you have
13. Road trip whenever possible
14. The healthcare service nurses are there because they couldn't make it at a real hospital.  Never, ever forget that
15. Care packages are right up there with birthdays
16. College guys/girls are the same as highschool guy/girls only with
more freedom and less money
17. It never sucked so much to get sick
18. You should learn to love your roommate especially when he/she leaves the room
19. Beware of the freshman 15
20. Things that were a huge deal in highschool are now common place
21. Classes: the later the better
22. You are no longer thankful that there are fire alarms to protect you 23. Disney movies are more than just classics
24. Find one cafeteria dish you can handle and stick with it
25. Cereal makes a great meal any time of day plus cafeteria doesn't make it
26. Keep your highschool term papers.  Nowadays, everything is
recycled except plastic, alumanim, and cardboard
27. ATM's are the devil's advocate
28. Beware of the guy in the Care Bear toga
29. You'll drink anything if it's free
30. Keys have never been so important, yet, you
seem to lose them even more
31. You meet the type of people you thought only existed in movies
32.When you're home on breaks, all you want to do is go back
33. You realize colege is the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky
classes
34. Procrastination is an art form
35. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires
36. The only time to dress up is when all your jeans are dirty
37. Going to Wal-Mart is a treat
38. Gas money makes a great gift
39. You are never alone
40. You will never be the same
 
 
 

Our best chance of touching the eternal in our own small ways is to
live the life we're given, savoring the now, deciding for the future,
remembering always that the secrets of the stars are folded tightly
into the mysterious center of this present moment.  -Thomas Kinkade

"Always be like the duck: Calm and unruffled on the surface, but
paddling like the devil below."

50 degrees -- New Yorkers turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens.

40 degrees -- Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Minnesota sunbathe.

35 degrees -- Italian cars won't start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down.

32 degrees -- Distilled water freezes. Minnesota water gets thicker.

20 degrees -- Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in Minnesota throw on a T-shirt.

15 degrees -- Californians begin to evacuate the state. People in Minnesota go swimming.

Zero degrees -- New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.

10 degrees below zero -- People in Miami cease to exist. People in Minnesota lick flagpoles.

20 degrees below zero -- Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Minnesota throw on a light jacket.

40 degrees below zero -- Hollywood disintegrates. People in Minnesota rent videos.

60 degrees below zero -- Mt. St. Helens freezes. Minnesota Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

80 degrees below zero -- Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Minnesota Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

100 degrees below zero -- Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in Minnesota pull down their ear flaps.
173 degrees below zero -- Ethyl alcohol freezes. People in Minnesota get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.

297 degrees below zero -- Microbial life start to disapear.  Minnesota cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

460 degrees below zero -- ALL atomic motion stops. People in Minnesota start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

500 degrees below zero -- Hell freezes over. Minnesota wins the Super Bowl.
 
 

2.   One of a pair of identical twins is always born evil.

3.   Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to
cut. You will always choose the right one.

4.   Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any invading alien society.

5.   It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts your enemies will wait patiently to attack you
one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have
knocked
out their predecessors.

6.   When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your
bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7.   If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world
expert on nuclear fission at the age of  22.

8.   Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down
three days before their retirement.

9.   Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
archenemies using complicated machinery involving   fuses, pulley
systems,
deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, and then
depart without witnessing the cruel and diabolical demise which will
allow
their captives at least 20  minutes to escape.

10.  During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a
strip club at least once.

11.  All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the
armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside
her.

12. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
bread.

13.   It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone
in
the
control tower to talk you down.

14.  Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba
diving.

15.   In war it is impossible to die unless you make the mistake of
showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

16.  Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian
officer, it will not be necessary to  speak the language. A German or
Russian accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for the
German).

17.  The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

18.  A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

19.   If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through
it
before long.

20.  If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange
noises alone in their most revealing underwear.

21. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will
always say:   Enter    ...    Password Now.

22.   Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary
to
turn the steering wheel    vigorously from left to right every few
moments.

23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large
red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

24.  A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended
from duty.

25. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet
will know all the steps.

26. Police departments give their officers personality tests to
make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
opposite.

27. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to
speak to each other in English.
 
 

Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.
Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of
the
house.
Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.
Men know that there are at least three sides to every story: his, hers,
and
the truth.
Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.
Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.
Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the
game.
Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas
will
get them.
Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust
oneself.
Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to
stare
at her cleavage.  Men also know that the woman will get pissed off when
they
do, for reasons not totally clear to them.
Men know that the reason men don't like cats is because they don't know
how
to cook them.
Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how
good his
daughter is in bed.
Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over
there.

(Jeff & Tina Baggett)

 1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her
 feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a
 difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING.
 You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you
rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her  head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

 4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they
 get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're
 trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive.
They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your
tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

 6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
 Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and
 thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on
 the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

 8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled
 fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
 Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
 Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

 12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
 Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the
waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can
be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
 

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay  in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks fist.

 18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation,the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach,the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

 21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

 22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

 24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

 25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them.  In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

 30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?"  she'll hear the words  "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
 Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring
 honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all
handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

 32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feel good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY.
 It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you.  Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

TOP 10 REASONS THAT COLLEGE IS LIKE PRESCHOOL

 10. You cry for your mother.
9. You cross the street  without looking for cars.
8. Snack time is a necessity.
7. You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look like  (because everyone else looks as stupid as you do).
6. You stay at home and play games with your friends.
5. You wear your backpack on both shoulders.
4. You wear big mittens.
3. Playing in the snow is a legitimate activity.
 2. You take naps.
1. You look forward to grilled cheese sandwiches.

       YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN COLLEGE TOO LONG WHEN...

*You actually like doing laundry at home.
*Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.
*You'd rather clean than study.
 *"Oh shit how did it get so late!" comes out of your mouth at least once a night.
*Mom's Meatloaf and potatoes become something you desire, not avoid.
*Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal.
*You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soap operas.
 *You know the pizza boy by name.
*You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.
*You live for getting mail.
*Looking out the window is a form of entertainment.
 *Prank phone calls become funny again.
*You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.
*Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth.
 *Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.
*Wal-mart is the coolest store.
 *The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday.

        BEFORE I CAME TO COLLEGE, I WISH I HAD KNOWN...

*That it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class,  I'd still  sleep through it.
*That I could change so much and barely realize it.
*That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.
*No matter how 'cool' you were in highschool, no one here cares.
*That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up.
*That every clock on campus shows a different time.
*That if you were smart in high school, so what? It doesn't matter here.
*That I would go to a party  the night before a final.
*That Chem Labs/Architecture  studios take up more time than all my other classes put together.
*That you can know everything and fail a test.
*That you can know nothing and ace a test.
 *That I could get used to almost anything found out about my roommate.
 *That most of my education would be obtained outside of class.
*That friendship is more than getting drunk together.
*That I would be one of thosepeople that my parents warned me about.
*That Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination.
*That Psychology is really Biology.
*That Biology is really Chemistry, that Chemistry is really Physics and  that Physics is really Math.
 *That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years.
*That it's possible to be alone even when you are surrounded by friends.
*That friends are what makes this placeworthwhile!

Don't be dismayed at good-byes, a farewell is necessary before we can meet again, and meeting again, after moments or a lifetime, is certain for those who are friends.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT.

She is not a BABE or a CHICK,
She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER,
She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY, She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB, She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND,
She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She is not an AIRHEAD
She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY,
She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY
She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS,
She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU,
She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT
She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS,
She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE,
She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY  CORRECT:

He does not have a BEER GUT
He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER
He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME, HE  INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING
He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER
He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK,
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS
He develops a case of  RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG,
He has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT,
 He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

                                HANGOVERS

*1 star hangover *

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a
mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still
parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries from any truck stop USA.
 

**2 star hangover **

No pain. Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the
attention span and mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug
to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which
is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP.
Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a
nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable
money because all you really can handle is surfing internet porn and
writing junk e-mails.

***3 star hangover ***

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space
shot and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her
perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic
friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.

****4 star hangover ****

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else
you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and
has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.  You wore nice clothes, but
that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars)
your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair
style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High,
'76. You would shoot your mother for one or all of the following -

1. the clock to strike 6pm
2. the entire appetizer list from TGI Fridays
OR
3. a time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night
before.

*****5 star hangover, aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell.*****

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners
of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that
would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty
good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is complain about your state - which is a mystery to you because you definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed, unaccompanied, at your house. The only thing you can do is smoke a bong hit and pass out. It's when you wake up a few hours later with a lesser star hangover that you eat a large pizza, an order of Kung Pao Chicken, a ham and cheese omelet and a batch of Rice Krispie treats.

   150 ways to mess w/your roommate

1.  Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2.  Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at
class.
3.  Twitch a lot.
4.  Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5.  Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump
sardines in it. Talk to them.
6.  Become a subgenius.
7.  Inject his/her Twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim
and MSG.
8.  Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking
away, float up out
    of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back
down and grin.
9.  Speak in tongues.
10. Move your roommate's personal effects around.
Start subtly.  Gradually
    work up to big things, and eventually glue
everything s/he owns to the
    ceiling.
11.  Walk and talk backwards.
12.  Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all.
Stack the cans in
     the middle of your room. Number them.
13.  Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with
them at night. If
     your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a
straight face, "They're
     more than meets the eye."
14.  Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road
Warrior," "Repo Man,
     "Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
15.  Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing
Wagnerian Arias on a
     kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that
it is for your
     performance art class (or hit him/her with the
wrench).
16.  Collect all your urine in a small jug.
17.  Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get
him/her to bring you food.
18.  Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not
using it. Turn it off
     when you are.
19.  Ask your roommate if your family can move in
"just for a couple of weeks."
20.  Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as
you can. Pretend to
     masturbate while reading them.
21.  Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the
paramedics to come,
     pretend nothing happened.
22.  Eat glass.
23.  Smoke ballpoint pens.
24.  Smile. All the time.
25.  Collect dog poop in baby food jars. Sort them
according to what you
     think the dog ate.
26.  Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your
roommate suspiciously.
27.  Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the
bottom of a trash
     can.  When you get hungry, root around in the
trash. Find the food, and
     eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before
you get hungry, demand
     that s/he reimburse you.
28.  Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's
desk. Include a list of
     grievances.
29.  Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
30.  Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her
back is turned, and
     then look away quickly.
31.  Dye all your underwear lime green.
32.  Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
33.  Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the
closet.
34.  Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's
closet. Accuse
     him/her of stealing it.
35.  Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's
parents (postage due).
36.  Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something
nasty.
37.  Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute
and then stand up.
     Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do
so. Keep this up for
     three weeks.
38.  Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors
on your dresser.
     Refuse to discuss them.
39.  Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
40.  Whenever s/he is about to fall asleep, ask
questions that start with
     "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
41.  Shave one eyebrow.
42.  Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down
under there and
     pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If
your roommate
     comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times
while twitching
     violently.
43.  Put horseradish in your shoes.
44.  Shelve all your books with the spines facing the
wall. Complain
     loudly that you can never find the book that you
want.
45.  Always flush the toilet three times.
46.  Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit
often.
47.  Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania
Polka," and play it at
     least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains,
explain that it's an
     assignment for your primitive cultures class.
48.  Give him/her an allowance.
49.  Listen to radio static.
50.  Open your window shades before you go to sleep
each night. Close them
     as soon as you wake up.
51.  Cry a lot.
52.  Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's
e-mail.
53.  Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them
in a baggie. Leave
     the baggie near your computer and snack from it
while studying. If s/he
     walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her
suspiciously.
54.  Paste used Kleenexes to his/her walls.
55.  Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower,
lower your eyes and
     giggle to yourself.
56.  If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep
in his/her bed.
57.  Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone
comes to visit your
     roommate when they're not home, show them the
magazines.
58.  Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your
bed . . . do so for a
     while, then jump really high and act like you hit
your head on the
     ceiling.  Crumple onto your bed and fake like you
were knocked out . . .
     use this method to fall asleep every night for a
month.
59.  If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change
the locks.
60.  Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your
roommate, breathe into
     the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
61.  Whenever s/he goes to shower, drop whatever
you're doing, grab a
     towel, and go shower too.
62.  Find out your roommate's post office box code.
Open it and take
     his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that,
send the mail to
     him/her by UPS.
63.  Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle
them on the floor.
64.  Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it
every night, act like
     you're holding it, keep a litter box under your
desk. After two
     weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs
in your dorm, blame
     your roommate.
65.  Call safety & security whenever your roommate
turns up his/her music.
66.  Follow him/her around on weekends.
67.  Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
68.  Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the
door.
69.  Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
70.  Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
71.  Whenever your roommate is walking through the
room, bump into him/her.
72.  Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of
every hour. Don't say
     anything, just stare.
73.  Tell your roommate that someone called and said
that it was really
     important but you can't remember who it was.
74.  Let mice loose in his/her room.
75.  Give each of your walls a different name.
Whenever you can't answer a
     problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their
responses, then ask
     your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to
your roommate that you
     don't trust your ceiling.
76.  Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as
your own.
77.  Skip to the bathroom.
78.  Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a
fort. Guard the
     fort for an entire weekend.
79.  Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw
them in a pile in
     his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the
beautiful foliage.
80.  When you walk into your room, turn off your
lights. Turn them on when
     you leave.
81.  Print up satanic signs and leave them in your
room where s/he can
     find them.
82.  Whenever you're on the phone and s/he walks in,
hang up immediately
     without saying anything and crawl under your
desk. Sit there for two
     minutes than call whoever it was back.
83.  Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American
Pie on your ceiling
     above your bed. Sing them every night before you
go to bed.
84.  Use a bible as Kleenex.
85.  Burn incense.
86.  Eat moths.
87.  Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after
your roommate. Announce
     the next day that that one died. Name another one
after your
     roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep
this up until they all
     die.
88.  Collect Chia Pets.
89.  Refuse to communicate in anything but sign
language.
90.  Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed.
The next day, spray
     three bottles of whip cream all over your floor.
Say you got sick.
91.  Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.
92.  If you know that s/he is in the room, come
barging in out of breath.
     Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run
through carrying a
     hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
93.  Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
94.  Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is
never anything to eat.
95.  Urinate in a jar and leave it by your bed. When
your roommate isn't
     looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice.
Wait until your roommate
     turns around. Drink it.
96.  Don't ever flush.
97.  Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
98.  Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your
ceiling. Whenever you walk
     by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to
me."
99.  Lick him/her while they are asleep.
100.  Dress in drag.
101.  Buy Lays potato chips with all your money.
Stack the bags in the
      middle of the room in a pyramid.  Eat them
whenever your roommate is in
      the room.  For every one you eat, offer your
roommate one, each time
      telling him, "No one can eat just one."
102.  Wear no clothes in the room except a cowboy hat.
103.  Lay in the middle of the room and chant to pagan
gods.
104.  Plant grass in the carpet and scream at your
roommate every time
      s/he takes a step in the room.  Put up a 'please
don't walk on the
      grass' sign.
105.  Give your roommate's clothes to the Salvation
Army.
106.  Pretend to shower often but only wash your hair
in the sink.  See
      how long it takes your roommate to notice.
107.  Read lots of science fiction and begin to act as
though you think
      your roommate is an alien in disguise.  Jump on
him/her and try to
      rip off the humanoid mask the alien is wearing.
108.  Invite a homeless person to live in your room
and sleep in your
      roommate's bed.
109.  Set off the smoke alarm in your room and tell
the fire department
      your roommate was smoking.
110.  Become your own twin brother and tell your
roommate that you and
      your brother never appear in the same place at
once. Tell your roommate
      the same thing again after leaving and coming
back into the room.
111.  Sleep face down under your mattress on a bunkbed
and stare at your
      roommate all night through the springs.
112.  Wear ammonia as a cologne.
113.  Whenever your roommate goes to sleep, wake up.
114.  Whenever your roommate wakes up, go to sleep.
115.  Have really weird friends who have strange loud
conversations.
      Whenever your roommate walks in, you all be
quiet and stare at him/her
      until s/he leaves.
116.  Mount a wall-sized mirror on your wall and then
ask your roommate
      not to look at it because demonic forces from
the other side will
      escape into this world if s/he does.
117.  Build an antfarm.  Let your ants have
"jailbreaks".  Then ask your
     roommate to help you hunt down all the renegade
ants.
118.  Wear nothing but tightie-whities whenever your
roommate has guests.
119.  Nail boards across your window.  When your
roommate asks why, tell
      him/her you know they're all watching you.
120.  Start a scab collection.  Keep it in a locked
glass case on your
      desk. Tell your roommate that you know s/he was
looking for the key.
121.  Leave Kleenexes dipped in mayonnaise on the
floor.  Tell guests that
      your roommate is disgusting and show them.
122.  Start a new-wave cult.  Hold nightly candle-lit
rituals in your room
      with your followers.
123.  Begin to accumulate a used gum ball.   Weigh it
every day.  Accuse
      your roommate of stealing gum.
124.  Throw blood on your roommate when s/he is
wearing a coat and shout
      "animal killer".
125.  Get a friend to leave a message on the phone
with your roommate for
      you saying the test results came back positive.
When your roommate
      tells you, cough, faint, and then refuse to
discuss it.
126.  Laugh a lot in the morning.  Tell your roommate
to be happy all the time.
127.  Put no-doze pills in your roommate's drinks.
128.  Set your alarm clock for three o'clock.  Push
the doze button every
      5 minutes when it beeps for the next five hours,
each time telling your
      roommate that you'll wake up in five minutes.
129.  Get your roommate's social security number.
Call the registrar and
      switch all of his/her classes.  Tell your
roommate at the end of the
      term that the Philosophical Environmental
Anthropology exam is
      supposed to be really hard.  Wish him/her luck.
130.  Play Dungeons & Dragons all the time. Tell your
roommate to obey you
      because you are the Dungeon Master. Attack
invisible dragons with a
      cardboard sword.
131.  Make a voodoo doll of your roommate. Kill it.
132.  Learn the words to all your roommate's favorite
songs.  Sing along.
133.  Learn to play an accordion.
134.  Make a contract with the Mafia to kill your
roommate.  This is very
      annoying.
135.  Build a snowman out of big balls of toilet
paper.  Throw water on it
      and begin to cry that the snowman is melting.
136.  Put Vaseline on everything.  Tell your roommate
that you were just
      trying to "loosen up" the room.
137.  Tell your roommate on a daily basis that s/he is
projecting negative
      karma.
138.  Whenever your roommate gets clothes back from
the laundry, hide
      them. Then wear some every day until you have
removed all the stolen
      clothes from hiding and they are all now dirty.
Ask your roommate to
      wash them again.
139.  Learn a lot of quotations.  Whenever you talk to
your roommate, say
      nothing but quotes for three weeks.
140.  Adopt an iguana.  Collect the skin peelings.
Give them to your
      roommate as a peace offering from Peter (the
iguana).
141.  Bring several dogs to your room.  Hold
conversations with them
      whenever your roommate comes in.  If s/he
complains, tell him/her
      s/he is being prejudiced on the basis of your
friends' species.  Call
      him/her a bigot.
142.  Sign up your roommate for all the radical
organizations on campus.
      If they call, tell them s/he is very interested
in and in favor of
      their cause.
143.  Buy seven different colored yo-yo's.  Practice
with them seven hours
      a day, alternating yo-yo's on the hour.
144.  Create an animal cemetery in your floor.  Hold
memorial services.
      If your roommate complains, tell him/her that
s/he has no respect
      for the dead.
145.  When your roommate is typing, type on your
keyboard in synchronization.
146.  Become a Trekkie.  Talk to your communicator.
Tell Scottie to beam
      you up and run quickly from the room.  If your
roommate asks, tell
      him/her "Dammit, Jim, I'm just a doctor!"
147.  Buy forty two-liter bottles of generic soda.
Dump out one bottle.
      Every time you drink a bottle, piss in the empty
one.  Do so until you
      have thirty-nine bottles of urine.  Complain to
your roommate that
      generic soda tastes awful.
148.  Order five anchovy pizzas for your roommate.
When the deliverer
      arrives, tell them that your roommate likes to
play jokes on the pizza
      place and then your roommate lies about his/her
ordering.  Tell them
      where s/he is.
149.  Put in your contacts when you go to bed.  Scream
in agony as you rip
      them from your bloody eyelids in the morning.
Put them in again that
      night. Complain to your roommate that you just
can't see a darned thing
      anymore.
150.  Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest
anytime your roommate
      eats meat.  Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on
the floor and lie on
      the bed holding your stomach every time your
roommate walks in.  If
      s/he asks about the wrappers, say you know
nothing about them.