part of essay for English 184
gina chihos
“…how do you cool your lips, after a summer’s kiss?  How do you slow your blood, after the body bliss?…”  Jann Arden’s song ‘Insensitive’ asks questions about how one can get over a relationship and someone they loved.  She says that she should have known when things started to change, but she did not.  In her second verse, she questions if she can ever teach her heart to fall in love again.  This song reminds me of the excerpt titled “The Hunt” by Susan Griffin.  In the excerpt, there is a story within a story.  One of them being a boy chasing a girl and the other about a hunter going after the kill (a doe).  Both are excited by the prospect of ‘having’ or ‘conquering’ the girl/doe.  He (the male figure in the story) feels infatuated by the anticipation of possessing her and making her feel the same way that he does.

 In a way, dating is like a hunt because a guy/girl pursues the opposite sex (or same sex if it’s like that) like a predator stalks his prey.  Of course, we don’t usually describe courtship as stalking because of legal terms, but you know what I mean.  Attraction is the key element (and I mean KEY) which begins everything.  You can’t exactly date someone you’re not attracted to.  It’d be like trying to date Godzilla or even worse, the man in the iron mask.  But, if you are a strong enough person where looks sincerely don’t matter, then I applaud you.  After the initial attraction sets in, the game of flirtation comes into play.  To a hunter, this could be the beginning of the chase.  For any guy/girl, it’s like the chase, but more or less harmless flirting.  Flirting consists of various things: cracking jokes (mostly at each other), being touchy-feely (tickling, backrubs), or just being a little more attentive then usual.  These techniques do not work quite as well with the hunter.  His prey would probably run away by the time that he got close enough to touch it.  After all of the flirting and subtle hints (or maybe not so subtle; depends on how you handle things), you ask the BIG question.  Not marriage (that wouldn’t be a good first date question), but the first date.  This is where you say, “Do you want to (whatever activity it is) with me?”  and then hold your breath and pray to God that they say yes.  This date is imperative to your future relationship.  You’ll never know unless you try so, go knock your socks off!

 With every new boyfriend and relationship, I bring all of my past with me.  I think everyone does that.  No one has ever hurt me so badly that I hold a grudge or a prejudice (maybe I do, I’ve never really analyzed that like I do everything else), but I have never been completely unharmed from them.  To relate to the story “The Hunter”, I would definitely have to put myself in the hunter’s place.  It is usually me who pursues the male, not the other way around.  I believe that if you truly want something (someone) badly enough, you will do everything in your power to conquer, attain, achieve, or risk to have it (that person).  Perhaps it is just that I am a stubborn, persistent, and spoiled person all rolled up into one neat package.  Or maybe not so neat, I can be pretty scatterbrained.  Never in my life have I ever been asked to a school dance, well, at least not out of my complete surprise.  Perhaps out of fear of being alone or left out, I went ahead and asked guys myself instead of waiting for them to come to me.  I used to joke that if I ever waited for a guy to come get me, I would never go anywhere!  Which is probably true, but I never waited to find out.  This is more than likely a sign of fear of loneliness, but everyone suffers from that.

 From middle school I brought with me memories of being rejected and memories of being surrounded by friends.  Into my relationships I tried to bring reassurance and understanding.  I did not want my boyfriend to feel that I neglected him or to have any doubts about my feelings for him.  And I did not want to push anyone away although sometimes my friends took a backseat for a few days.  Middle school taught me to be kind and considerate, to never downplay someone to feel better.  That happened to me enough.  So into every relationship I try to make sure the other person knows what’s going on and I try hard as I can to not leave on bad terms.  Bad things happen, but only compromise can make it better.

 Susan Griffin speaks of the hunt of the deer like a seduction.  And she beautifully writes about the capture.  In comparison to a hunter, I pale considerably.  But when push comes to shove, I am more aggressive than passive, more predator than prey, and definitely more hunter than hunted.

NOTE TO ALL:
this is not mine, this is a forward I received thru e-mail

                Just a Thought
Have you ever noticed that the worst way to miss someone is when they are right beside you and yet you can never have them...when the moment you can't feel them under your fingertips you miss them?
Have you ever wondered which hurts the most: saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing and wishing you had?  I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say.  They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminsh them; words shrink things that seemed timeless when they were in your head...to no more than living size when they are brought out...don't be afraid to tell someone you love them.  If you do, they might break your heart.  But if you don't, you might break theirs.
Have you ever decided not to become a couple becasue you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person?  Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't.  You can't tell your heart what to do.  It does it on its own when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it too.
Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that person was too afraid to let you?  Too many of us stay closed up because we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or at all.
Have you ever loved someone and they had absolutely no idea whatsoever?  Or fell for your best friends in the entire world and then stay around and watched them fall for someone else?
Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle?  We tell lies when we are afraid...afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what otehrs will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.  But everytime we tell a lie...the thing we fears grows stronger.  Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump.  Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would havle, or could have had.

A Sudden Realization:
by the way, this is an original :)

I crave attention like some people crave sex or food.  It's almost like I need it to survive.  If I'm feeling particularly needy, I'll dress the part for attention.  And whenever a guy checks me out, looks at me, or does anything in reference to me, it only encourages my behaviour.  Despite how horrible a boy treats me, I don't give up until I've become hurt so badly.  I could never give up boys, it'd be completely weird.  My guy friends think it'll be amazing if I ever get married.

     GRADUATION

So here it is, the big day.  Well, not today specifically, but a week from today, next Sunday.  That’s the day I’ve been anticipating since high-school started.  Graduation.  Just the word sets my heart racing.  This is the day that I’ve been waiting for.  A day when I’ll step out of my protective shell and throw myself into the real world.  I just hope that the real world doesn’t eat me alive.  The challenges will be greater and riskier.  My world will expand into horizons I never knew existed.  Social life will grow from friends and parties to…wait, maybe it’ll stay the same.  But this time it will be frat parties and roommates.  College will expose me to a wider range of thought and will provoke me to reach my life long goal.  Hopefully after all of this it will result in a career, but that remains to be seen.
The only thing that scares me about college are the classes and homework.  I’m afraid that I won’t be able to keep up with everything and that my life will fall apart.  In reality I’m sure that I’ll be fine, but these are my fears.  I’m scared that I’ll fail something (like math) or that I’ll become a complete failure in some way.  These are all silly but they still bother me.  What if I don’t find a certain thing that interests me?  I used to think that psychology was the way to go, but there’s nothing there pertaining to a future.  Then I thought about music, but what would I do with a music degree?  I don’t want to teach music or direct any kind of a band/choir.  As of right now, I’m completely clueless.  But that’s how you’re supposed to go into college, isn’t it?  They’re supposed to help you find your way.
The other thing that scares me is being away from home.  True that I’ve been anxious about moving out, but that’s only when I get upset at my parents.  Who will miss who more?  I know for a fact that I’ll miss my little brother.  Even when I was in Minneapolis and spending the weekend at my Liz’s house, I teared up when I spoke to Daniel on the phone.  I almost burst out when I had to say good-bye to my parents.  And I was only gone for 3 days by that time.  I’ll miss mom’s advice even though I pretend to think it’s stupid.  She’s the one who helped me figure out what to do with Kris.  Of course, I only took her advice AFTER I screwed up.  But that’s okay.  She’s here for me.  She always has been.  Whenever I need to complain about something or someone, she hears me out.  She convinces me to do things I normally wouldn’t do on my own.  Par example, when we moved into our old house.  I desperately wanted to meet our new neighbors (well, the neighbors) but I never brought myself to do it.  So when we were all outside, my mom tried encouraging me but I wouldn’t budge.  Finally she threatened (in a funny way) me to do it.  This is what she said, “If you don’t do it, I’ll go over there.”  Trust me, I would much rather embarrass myself than have my mother do it.  Because at least if I did it, I could laugh it off (hopefully).  If my mom did it, I’d never forgive her until I needed her again.  And then there’s my dad.  We used to run together on hot summer evenings and play tennis when it was nice outside.  In fact, we once played tennis outside in the snow.  He’s tons of fun to play games with and just hang out with.  Even though it becomes quiet sometimes it’s still enjoyable.  I do believe that I’ll miss them incredibly much, but I will also enjoy my independence.

What I can Guarantee
                          feb. 28, 2000

I can't guarantee to always be there for you.  But I can guarantee that I'll always want to be there for you.  And I can't guarantee that this relationship will last forever.  But I can guarantee that it won't end soon.  Now, I can't guarantee that I'll fall in love with you.  But I can guarantee that I care about you.  Even though I can't guarantee that we won't have any problems, I can guarantee that I will always listen to you.  I can't guarantee that I'll always agree.  But I can guarantee that I'll give up my stubborness every once in awhile.  So even if I can't guarantee you all of the things that every couple wants, I can guarantee you truth and honesty.  I can guarantee that I will never hurt you on purpose.  I may want to, but I could never do it.  I can guarantee that I'll listen to you and make time for you.  And even if you don't trust me or love me, know that I am here.  Because I want to be here when you need me.  Most of all, I guarantee that I'll give this relationship all that I have.

Okay, I always knew it was over, but I didn't want to face it.  I wanted it to be special.  But sometimes reality sets in and forces you to grow up.  The end was sad but expected.  I just wish we would have been civil and mature about it.  Which I wasn't being.  But hey, I can admit that.  And I did.  Then he told me that a friendship is better.  True, but why do I miss him?  Easily answered, and it will take time.  I'll just have to wait.  It isn't anybody's fault, just bad timing and a serious age gap.  "age ain't nnothing but a numer" right-try dating a sophomore who doesn't want to get close to you.  Age is definitely  MORE than a number.
 

         Moving On....

So I'm still getting over you, these things take time.  Although it's quite obvious you've already gotten over me by running after your EX-GIRLFRIEND.  But I'm not mad, no, not me.  Just doing okay all by myself.  Hoping she messed with you and tears you apart inside.  But she's doing it anyway.  I hate to say it, but you deserve better than her.  She doesn't care about you.  All she wants is the challenge of getting you.  Because you'll never satisfy her, you do know that, don't you?  She's using you.  At least I never used you.  I never meant to hurt you.  You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone and baby,
                                          I've left.

May 24, 2000

The years have come and gone, leaving me with memories.  Throughout my life in high-school, I have learned about many things besides the norm.  I've learned that trust is the glue which holds friendships/relationships together and that lies hurt people.  I've found out that first loves never last forever.  Boyfriends are less important than friends and physical relatonship hurt worse than real ones.  Boys interested in only your body must be sophomores.  Being sneaky and conniving will eventually get to you and make you break down and cry.  The things that hurt the worst are the small things.  Maybe worse is when you realize you've outgrown your closest friend(s).  But the people who touch your life will stay with you forever.

                           Graduation Reflections
                                  may 29, 2000

So here I am.  A graduate of the class of 2000 from Shanley High School.  I made it; I actually survived.  No more uniforms (unless I go into the military...) and no more religion...no more forced chapel masses or detentions.  Pettiness is gone.  I feel bad for those who are left.  But they're the ones with structure; I'll be floundering in the 'real world'.  I don't feel any different than I did a week ago.  Everything seems so much when it happens to everyone else.  And then when it's you, it just doesn't feel the same.  The last quarter was so much more stressful than it needed to be.  Of course, the teachers decide to assign papers which are usually written below par.  Then graduation brings on so much more stress.  All of the invites, open houses, food, and everything else under the sun.  Despite all of the hardwork and stress, it all pays off in the end.

September 14, 2000

Why can't we just say what we mean to one another?
Why do we have to lie?
And why do we have to make it all sound so beautiful?
Pain is pain
You can't glorify the horrible truth
Of falling out of love.
There's no walking around it.
You have to just spit it out
Say what you mean.
I always prided myself on being truthful.
And maybe I was just trying to be nice to you.
I didn't want to hurt you like I did before.
Maybe I should have just left it as it was.
Never tried to make up with you.
Because I knew then as I know now
That we are not soul mates.
We are not meant to be together.
The couple that we were
Must have been some kind of dream.
Because I'm not remembering any of it.
Or maybe I'm refusing to see how wonderful it was.
Because I now know
That it's gone.
I don't want to get it back.
And I don't want to get you back.
Because we come from different sides of the hemisphere.
And opposites only attract for a split second.
I'm nothing that you want.
You want passive and submissive.
I want playful, arguable, real men.
You're a musician with a guitar soul.
I'm a butterfly that flies when the chance is given.
The only thing that we have in common
Is the fact that we're living for today.
Screw the future
We need to hold onto now.
And I am just now realizing
That life shouldn't be planned
You need to just let it flow.
No longer am I obsessing over a wedding that will never happen.
I'm no longer wondering what our unborn children will look like.
And I refuse to admit that I ever loved you.
Because to admit that would be admitting to having feelings for you.
I just can't handle that right now.
I'm trying to reconstruct my emotional pathway.
Pitstop ROB is no longer on my map.
So you want a friendship?
You'll have to live with even bitchier ways.
Because as a friend
You put up with a lot of my bullshit.
I say a lot of stuff
And most of it's not nice.
But I'm not a nice person sometimes.
And to be my friend
Or even my lover
Boyfriend
Husband
You have to accept me for who I am
And all of me.
You can't just ignore the parts you don't like.
I honestly think you did that with me.
There was something about me
That didn't sit right with you.
And you tried to block it out of your memory
So that when you looked at me
You'd see your stupid angel.
You wouldn't see the devil within me
Fuck that.
I'm a whole and real eprson.
Don't treat me as any more
Or any less.
gina marie chihos

DEFINITION OF A FRIEND..........

A friend should be radical. They should love you when you're unlovable,   Hug you when you're unhuggable, And bear you when
you're unbearable.

A friend should be fanatical. They should cheer when the whole world boos. Dance when you get good news, and cry when you cry too.

But most of all a friend should be mathematical.  They should multiply the joy, Divide the sorrow, Subtract the past, And add to
tomorrow. Calculate the need deep in your heart, and always be bigger than the sum of all their parts.

Love starts with a smile,
grows with a kiss,
and ends with a tear.
Don’t cry over anyone who
won’t cry over you.
If love isn’t a game, why are
there so many players?

Good friends are hard to find,
harder to leave, and impossible to forget.
You can only go as far as you push.
Actions speak louder than words.
The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love,
love somebody else.
Don’t let the past hold you back,
you’re missing the good stuff.
Life’s short.  If you don’t look around once
in a while you might miss it.
A best friend is like a four leaf clover,
hard to find and lucky to have.
Some people make the world
special just by being in it.
Best friends are the siblings
God forgot to give us.

When it hurts to look back,
and you’re scared to look ahead,
you can look beside you and
your best friend will be there.

True friendship never ends.
Friends are forever.
Good friends are like stars…
you don’t always see them,
but you know they are always there.

Don’t frown.
You never know who is falling in love with your smile.
What do you do when the only person who can make
 you stop crying is the person who made you cry?
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Everything is okay in the end. If it’s not okay, then
its not the end.
Most people walk in and out of your life,
But only friends leave footprints in your heart.
Remember, every minute spent angry is sixty seconds of
happiness wasted!

                          Words of Wisdom

~In life when one door closes there, in time, will be another door that opens.~

~Learn from the past, live for the present, and work toward the future.~

~Don't let the scars of the past hold you back from  loving those who are in your present and future.~

~There is no room in love for bitterness!!!!~

~Many people will walk in and out of your life, But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.~

~To handle yourself, use your head;  To handle others, use your heart.~

~Anger is only one letter short of danger.~

~If someone betrays you once, it is his fault;
If  he betrays you twice, it is your fault.~

~Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.~

~He who loses money, loses much;
He, who loses a friend, loses much more;
He, who loses faith, loses all.~

~Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,
But beautiful old people are works of art.~

~Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.~

                                             Facts of life

1.At least 5 people in this world, love you somuchthey would die for you.

2.At least 15 people in this world love you, in some way.

3.The only reason anyone would ever hate you, is because they want to be just like you.

4.A smile from you, can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

5.Everynight, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6.You mean the world to someone.

7.Without you, someone may not be living.

8.You are special and unique, in your own way.

9.Someone that you don't know even exists, loves you.

10.When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

11.When you think the world has turned it's back on you, take a look, you most likely turned your back on the world.

12.When you think you have no chance at getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, you probably sooner or later will get it.

13.Always remember complements you received,forget about the rude remarks.

14.Always tell someone how you feel about them, you will feel much better when they know.

15.If you have a great friend, take the time tolet them know that their great.

the unsent love letter.......

How can I write all that I feel?  It seems impossible but yet it’s what I’ve always done when I have felt at a loss for words.  When I’m with you, there are a million things to say and no time to say them.  I want to express every longing, hoping, and aching feeling inside of me.  And I want to describe every adjective that is in conjunction with love.  I would if I knew I loved you.  But love is such a tricky word.  It is conniving and has multiple meanings.  You might say it’s ambiguous.  Maybe it is.  But that’s entirely beside the point.
Whenever you touch me, I long for more.  I feel like your touch goes straight to the core of my being and into my soul.  And that your eyes pierce my heart.  You have no idea of what you do to me.  I can never wait to be near you or to even catch a glimpse of you.  As stupid as it sounds (and even I can’t believe I did this) I wanted to look really sexy and really good for you when I dropped your clothes off.  Even though I knew I would only see you for 5 minutes at best, I still wanted to look beautiful.  Okay, so maybe I didn’t look beautiful but I wanted to be close.  And I saw the way you were looking at me, so obviously I had to be somewhere close to the mark I was aiming for.
Back to the serious pace of this letter (although I don’t know how much longer I can keep that up).  You are like-the world to me.  I treasure your friendship like a pirate treasures gold.  But yet like the pirate, I want something more.  Of course, I’m sure greedy pirates don’t share intimate moments with their treasure unless it’s like-a virgin princess.  (I can’t stop being sarcastic....all righty)  I want to be something more with you.  Our friendship satisfies me and I’m content.  Nevertheless I do have these feelings for you and I do want to be with you.  It’s okay if you don’t see it the same way.  But it’d be orgasmic if you did.  Okay, that was a bad thing to say.  Seriously though, I think that if we got back together, it’d be really wonderful.
I don’t know how else to express how I feel without freaking you out.  Because I’m sure that this is the last thing you expected to come floating by in the mail.  It’d be the last thing I would expect to get in the mail.  Hell, I wouldn’t even expect it in the first place.  I’m obviously trying to be apathetic to the fact that you could just be scanning this letter and thinking “Dear God who the hell is this and no I won’t get back with her”.  But since I’m supposed to be a positivist, I’ll just look on the sunny side of things.  Hopefully I won’t blind myself.  Okay.  Here I go.  Please don’t think I’m some psycho ex-girlfriend who can’t afford therapy for still wanting her ex-boyfriend.  Because that wasn’t exactly the look I was going for.  Here I go.

April 14, 2001

The need to feel you in my soul is greater than any other need I’ve had before
Your touch-kiss-smile sends a shock to my core
It illuminates a dark night
Making my dreams more pleasant than fright
I want to melt into you and become a part of your whole
You’ve already invaded my soul.
I’m not afraid to admit the feelings I’m holding inside
Only afraid that the same feelings inside you have died.
The you and me together was great
Was it chance, our choice, possibly even fate?
Do you feel this aching need
Some kind of greed?
When you’re all alone and needing someone near
Do you call out my name and wish I was here?
Because I sure as hell whisper your name at night
And long for you to appear with the dawn’s light
But I wake up alone and empty
Missing you and the way you fill me completely.

You take my breath away; when can I take yours?  You warm my soul and my being despite the weather outside.  Just your touch sends shivers down my spine and electrifies my body.  Everything you are and how you are and what you symbolize means the world to me.  I admire you and respect all that you are.  You have an inner strength that I appreciate and such life within you it’s unbelievable.  So adieu and farewell.  Hope to hear from you soon, I’m sure I will.  And if not, well, then I’ll just have to admit I was wrong.  Vous etes un ange descende sur terre.

copyrighted ~*~*~*angel*~*~*~ 2000

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