I was one of those people who didn't bother making any New Year's resolutions.  Why bother with them?  They're just things that you want to do but you know that you'll never get around to doing them.  Although I must admit that I've actually come through on some of my resolutions.  Like my Junior year when I made a resolution to stop being so mean to people.  I did that one.  Probably because I figured that I wasn't exactly making friends that way.  Or like....to stop analyzing everything.  But that only lasted for about a month.  So here it is, a new year.  Hopefully it'll be better than the last although I can't really complain about last year.  And I'm just starting to appreciate the single life and enjoy myself.  The week before I went home I was confused about the person I thought I was.  And I guess being home helped me figure out who I am and want to be.  Kind of like an epiphany of some sort.  :)  So that went well.  That and the fact that a certain somebody apologized to me today.  I was NOT expecting that but like they say, Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.  Classes started today and ....well, it's bound to be interesting.  Later.
Oh wait.  I didn't even get a chance to divulge in the extremely good looking guy I met on Friday night back home.  He's gotta be like-I don't know, 5'9" or something b/c my chin almost reached his shoulders and I'm only 5'2".  Anyway.  I think his eyes are brown....and blonde hair....(it was dark).  We talked for awhile and I figure I have a 50/50 chance of ever seeing him again.  I guess I'll just have to wait and find out!  Later

January 23, 2001

My second semester has sure gotten off on an awkward foot.  First of all, my first roommate moved out and into her friend's room.  And then one of my friends moved in.  So now we have to acquire a few necessities like a phone, a fridge, a chair....a TV.  But that's okay.  Oh yeah, and that guy I was talking about earlier?  Yeah, he e-mailed me.  :)  I was ecstatic beyond words.  What else has been going down....I was sicker than hell on Sunday and yesterday and I'm still feeling it today.  Ick.  But anyway.  Yeah, it looks like this semester is bound to be interesting.

February 16, 2001

There are like-some people who shouldn't even be allowed to socialize with others.  For example, guys who play girls like we're toys and then stand us up.  I can understand breaking a date b/c you don't want to go and maybe dating more than one girl at once.  But standing up a girl while you're going for her friend?  That's just unforgivable.  Forget unforgivable, that's just dumb.  But all-in-all my Valentine's Day didn't turn out to be such a bust.  I hung out w/the girls and a guy friend of mine.  :)  Don't want to reveal too much at this time because Lord knows I'll probably embarrass the hell out of myself.  Ummm....ummm..... OH.  On Tuesday, my roommate came with me while I got my tongue pierced! :)  She said it looked nasty, disgusting, and painful but that it was definitely worth seeing.  For me-the person GOING through the pain, it wasn't too bad.  The only thing that hurt was when she put the clamp on my tongue.  And since I have a short tongue-the ring isn't too far back.  It was an interesting experience.  So it took about 10 minutes and I only cringed.  Well, and I got a tear in my eye.  It's been interesting getting used to the tongue ring b/c eating was a BITCH at first.  But it's better and I'm used to it bouncing around every time I chew on anything.  I've got quite a few do's and do not's for the first 3 weeks.  So I've got to be on my best behavior for awhile :)  And we all know how well that works!  Anyway........  Why is it that we always insist that our current flame is our one true love and that we deny that we've EVER felt this way before and that you've never felt this intense....?  Seriously.  We all know that we have so why do we deny it?  To make the other person feel special?  Isn't that kind of like lying to them?  Oh yeah baby, I've never loved anyone like I love you.  LIAR.  I've done it, but I never thought about it until now.  Stupid Valentine's Day holiday.....of course, I didn't say this last year when I had somebody.  But you know how us lonely people are.  Slightly jealous of couples b/c they have someone and we don't.  But at least I don't have to worry about measuring up to someone's expectations 24/7 and worrying about if they're ever going to break up w/me or vice versa and I don't have to worry about upsetting them.  I can be myself, have fun, get into a little bit of trouble.  It's all good.  Except I feel ready for a relationship....but these things take time and I can't just be like, I'm ready, lemme find the first available person who wants me.  That's kind of demented and distorted.  Kinda like me!  Just kidding-sort of :)  A'ight-enough for now.

February 21, 2001

Why do I always meet these incredibly sweet and nice guys who are TAKEN?  I mean seriously.  It always happens to me.  Why can't I just meet someone who is SINGLE, not a JERK, and is just absolutely p perfect?  Okay, maybe not perfect, but at least attempting to be.  Grrrrr.  For example, the last time my roommate's friends were up here I thought this one guy was really cute and wanted to get to know him better ~wink wink~  But he has a girlfriend.  And then last night I met this guy and wanted to get to know him better!  But no, he's got a girlfriend.  The first time I met Eric HE had a girlfriend.  Of course, guys w/girlfriends tend to make great friends b/c you pretty much are guaranteed that they won't mac on you or whatever.  But STILL.  When I'm looking I don't want to be tempted to tempt guys w/girlfriends!  Did that make sense.....I don't know.  Argh.
Actually, I did meet someone that I thought was very sweet and sensitive and just really nice.  Someone that I could really go for.  Then I found out what he said about me.  Screw that.  I don't work like that.  If you say shit about me, don't expect me to be all nice and sweet about it.  Damn.  I did meet a lot of guys this weekend.....a couple of them I coulda gone after but then I talked to them and changed my mind.  There is one person though that I want to go after......but that's going to take some time.  As do most things.  Anyway, I've gotta get going.  More later.

March 5, 2001

"Among men and women, those in love do not always announce themselves, with declarations and vows.  But they are the ones who weep when you're gone.  Who miss you every single night, especially when the sky is so deep and beautiful, and the ground so very cold." (Alice Hoffman, Here on Earth)  Why is that?  I mean, if you love someone, wouldn't you want to announce it to the world?  Or are you too scared, is there something holding you back?  I know that something is holding me back from saying what I'm feeling right now.  FEAR.  The fear of rejection, the fear of embarrassment (although I pretty much covered that one on Thursday night), or maybe just the plain old fear of just-saying it aloud.  Of letting go of it being your secret.  We all know what I'm talking about.  And even if you're the bravest person on the face of the earth, you still know what I'm talking about.  Nothing comes easy.  I remember the first time a certain someone said "I love you" to me.  It was incredibly sweet and romantic-but I know he was scared.  He said so.  In fact, he preludes it with, "Have you ever been scared to tell someone something?"  Well obviously the answer was yes.  And then while we were in my room-he said it.  I felt bad because I couldn't say it back because I just didn't feel that way, but he understood.  Now, I can be a very blunt person, and I can be a very quiet person.  Depending on what the situation asks for.  If I want you that bad and I'm sure of myself, hell yeah!  I am so there.  But if I like you and I'm totally unsure of what's going on, I'm all about being hush hush.  I'm always telling people, you'll never know if you never try.  So why can't I just take my own advice and do it already?  There's nothing to lose.  Not that I know of.  And besides, this could be good.  Everyone's telling me that I should just say it.  And they wouldn't tell me to say it unless there was some hint of a chance....right?  I know what I want.  Last night as I was sitting there, all I longed for was to curl up next to him, bury my head in his shoulder, and just be.  And the night before that, all I could think about was kissing him while we were sitting there.  Just him and me.  But no, I didn't.  I couldn't.  Why take that chance already?  I know that nobody waits forever, but does it always have to be just you?  Doesn't it take two people?  Does anything?  I know I'm being pretty analytical and insightful about this-but seriously.  If you stop and think about it.....It gets to you.  It gets to your heart and soul.  Or at least that's what it does to me.
"This small creature is not at all confused about what it wants, unlike men and women, who have the ability to conceal their deepest desires.  Men and women, after all, can hide their love away." (Alice Hoffman, Here on Earth)

March 24, 2001

Life is most excellent.  Well-it could get a LITTLE better, but I'm happily satisfied.  For one thing.....Rob and I made up.  It was kind of weird because he approached me during one of those inebriated moments.  But then I asked him about it during Spring Break and it's all cool.  So now we're actually like-talking and being all....talkative :)  Which is hella cool.  I'm pretty excited that we're being normal and civilized.  There was WAY too much stress going on with what we had before.  The whole-we hate each other.
On a PLUS side.....on Thursday....I myself was a VERY happy camper.  Mike waited in my room for me while Rob and I went out to eat @ Perkins.  Then we kinda cuddled on the floor next to Stacie (Kelly was the only person who slept in a bed that night) and talked.  Needless to say, I'm confused, happy, excited, and frustrated.  How does all of this happen?  Easily.  I'm a girl, I wanna know, and I hate NOT knowing.  So-that pretty much sums it up.
 

March 28, 2001

All righty folks.  Life is......life.  The same old confusing shit that it's always been but with a few benefits.  Such as-I know why a relationship with one person is not exactly flourishing.  But I do know how to help it.  I was used on Sunday and THAT didn't make me a very happy person.  Stupid bastard.  I'm sure there's a quote somewhere to help explain how I feel.....lemme find one.  "It's all about territory and conquest, an endless competition to cover ground and gain control."  (Francesca Marciano-Rules of the Wild)  That's all that it is.  Trying to conquer and gain everything.  Even if you don't need it.  CRAZINESS.  Then there's Mike......this crush is DEFINITELy something worth investing in.  I just have to make sure I don't blow it.  :)  Anyway.  I gots to go for today.  More later.

April 2, 2001

I cannot WAIT for my birthday.  It's this upcoming weekend and my friends from back home are coming up to PARTY with me and my friends from school.  It's gonna be great.  My best friend (Jaime), my ex-boyfriend (Kris), Nick, and possibly Andy are all coming up.  That's gonna be one helluva time.  As for what's going on lately........On Wednesday I decided to write Mike a note telling him all these feelings that I've been keeping inside and not letting him onto.  And admittedly I was hurt and frustrated and just completely dying to know what to do.  Thursday went by and no word.  Of course, I wasn't exactly obsessing about it either.  Because that would just make me more upset and frustrated and wanting to smack him.  So Kelly and I went shopping and I shopped my frustrations away and we came back.  Then she went to class, came back, and we waited for Pat to show up.  Before he showed up, we got too hungry and made a quick trip to Atwood.  Then by the time we came back, he was here :)  Yay.  So later on that night, Lindsay, Jen, Heidi, Josh (?), Pat, and I are trucking it over on toward the Town homes.  And several beers later, we're back on our way.  While we were there though we played Categories.  THAT was fun.  Except when we were making a sentence about me and Kyle and then he walked in the door.....OUCH.  Talk about biting the big one and putting your foot in your mouth.  Stacie and her boyf were already in our room so we stayed up a little bit longer watching Fear.  Then my neck was starting to hurt from leaning up against Pat and I went to bed.  Alone.....:(  Then the next day while I was coming back from the smoking lounge, tired and crabby, Mike starts talking to me.  And I'm thinking, you know, I REALLY don't want to deal with this right now.  But then he's getting all mouthy and saying all kinds of shit.  And it's like-oh HELL NO don't even start that shit.  So as he's walking away and muttering something about me not being able to understand english, I snapped back at him.  EXCUSE me for not responding to your ever-so-senitive ways.  Good Lord.  No wonder....nevermind, that would be mean to say.  Anyway.  So he and I are bitching in the hallway and then he wants to know if I can go eat lunch w/him and talk about it.  I ran upstairs, put my shoes on, and went down to meet him.  All the way from my dorm to Garvey, we're bitching and talking about what's been going on.  Kind of.  I was getting so frustrated with him because he kept butting in and getting all snappy and full of attitude.  So anyway, we sort of talk through things and I come back feeling satisfied but without anymore answers than I started out with.  I did figure out though that I could wait for him and see if he's what I really want.  Or I can be like "Screw You" and find someone else.  It's a hard choice because I really like him but now I'm starting to wonder about that.  So that was that.  I went home with Kelly this weekend and had some fun.  Got my birthday present from my parents.  Saw some people that I haven't seen for about a year.  Came back....yeah, it's all good.  CAN'T WAIT FOR MY BIRTHDAY!  All righty-more after the weekend probably :)  Laterz.

April 15, 2001

Dude-my birthday KICKED ASS.  I loved it.  The entire weekend was like-a massive fest of partying.  From sun-up 'til sun-down.  It was great.  And especially the fact that my best friend and my ex-boyf came up.  That was the best part of it all.  And maybe the fact that I discovered that I'm falling for someone that just might possibly be falling for me.  Who knows.  I'll find out in a little way.  If I stay patient enough.  Which I think I will just because I haven't felt this way about someone in awhile.  Well-I kind of have, but that's a different story.  Rob and Jen are like-perfect for each other.  Truly a match made in Heaven if there ever was such a thing.  As for myself, I'm just chilling trying to calm my nerves from exploding.  Easter was....weird.  It didn't' feel like Easter.  And I don't know WHEN or IF I'll ever be going home again before school is over.  This whole thing w/our apartments is also hanging over my head because I don't have the money to pay for the summer rent.  Sheesh.  I'm up to the clouds in these stupid problems.  But of course, I'll find a way to live through it.  I always do.  Usually at the last second, but it's better than never, right?  Of course.  That's all I have for now.  Add more later.

April 18, 2001

If you received a letter that reads as follows:

How can I write all that I feel?  It seems impossible but yet its what I’ve always done when I have felt at a loss for words.  When I'm with you, there are a million things to say and no time to say them.  I want to express every longing, hoping, and aching feeling inside of me.  And I want to describe every adjective that is in conjunction with love.  I would if I knew I loved you.  But love is such a tricky word.  It is conniving and has multiple meanings.  You might say its ambiguous.  Maybe it is.  But that's entirely beside the point.
Whenever you touch me, I long for more.  I feel like your touch goes straight to the core of my being and into my soul.  And that your eyes pierce my heart.  You have no idea of what you do to me.  I can never wait to be near you or to even catch a glimpse of you.  As stupid as it sounds (and even I can't believe I did this) I wanted to look really sexy and really good for you when I dropped your clothes off.  Even though I knew I would only see you for 5 minutes at best, I still wanted to look beautiful.  Okay, so maybe I didn't look beautiful but I wanted to be close.  And I saw the way you were looking at me, so obviously I had to be somewhere close to the mark I was aiming for.
Back to the serious pace of this letter (although I don't know how much longer I can keep that up).  You are like-the world to me.  I treasure your friendship like a pirate treasures gold.  But yet like the pirate, I want something more.  Of course, I'm sure greedy pirates don't share intimate moments with their treasure unless its like-a virgin princess.  (I can't stop being sarcastic....all righty)  I want to be something more with you.  Our friendship satisfies me and I'm content.  Nevertheless I do have these feelings for you and I do want to be with you.  It's okay if you don't see it the same way.  But it'd be orgasmic if you did.  Okay, that was a bad thing to say.  Seriously though, I think that if we got back together, it'd be really wonderful.
I don't know how else to express how I feel without freaking you out.  Because I'm sure that this is the last thing you expected to come floating by in the mail.  It'd be the last thing I would expect to get in the mail.  Hell, I wouldn't even expect it in the first place.  I'm obviously trying to be apathetic to the fact that you could just be scanning this letter and thinking “Dear God who the hell is this and no I won't get back with her”.  But since I'm supposed to be a positivist, I’ll just look on the sunny side of things.  Hopefully I won't blind myself.  Okay.  Here I go.  Please don't think I'm some psycho ex-girlfriend who can't afford therapy for still wanting her ex-boyfriend.  Because that wasn't exactly the look I was going for.  Here I go.

April 14, 2001

The need to feel you in my soul is greater than any other need I've had before
Your touch-kiss-smile sends a shock to my core
It illuminates a dark night
Making my dreams more pleasant than fright
I want to melt into you and become a part of your whole
You've already invaded my soul.
I'm not afraid to admit the feelings I'm holding inside
Only afraid that the same feelings inside you have died.
The you and me together was great
Was it chance, our choice, possibly even fate?
Do you feel this aching need
Some kind of greed?
When you're all alone and needing someone near
Do you call out my name and wish I was here?
Because I sure as hell whisper your name at night
And long for you to appear with the dawn's light
But I wake up alone and empty
Missing you and the way you fill me completely.

You take my breath away; when can I take yours?  You warm my soul and my being despite the weather outside.  Just your touch sends shivers down my spine and electrifies my body.  Everything you are and how you are and what you symbolize means the world to me.  I admire you and respect all that you are.  You have an inner strength that I appreciate and such life within you it's unbelievable.  So adieu and farewell.  Hope to hear from you soon, I'm sure I will.  And if not, well, then I’ll just have to admit I was wrong.  Vous etes un ange descende sur terre.

What would you say?  Seriously.  Of course, I didn't read this to the person it was intended for.  BUUUT, I wrote it for them with the intention of reading it to them.  If they answered a certain question in a certain way.  Quite obviously and apparently they answered negatively and so this letter is withdrawn and put into the deepest corner of my heart.  And I didn't even have to quote anybody!  This is all mine.  All personal.  The sad thing of this all, is that I KNEW that it wouldn't happen.  I was just hoping against all hopes that maybe, somewhere in the deep throes of his mind, heart, and soul, that there would be a chance.  WRONG.  Even sadder of this subject, I keep listening to this song that reminds me of him.  For 2 reasons.  Honestly and obviously, because it reminds me of him (he was singing it when I walked in once) and also because I actually like the song and it's sweet.  ARGH.  THANKS Rob for like-implanting this thought in my mind.  Well, it was already there, but because of someone's persistence I gave into feeding it and the hysteria.  Good Lord.  But hey, life goes on, right?1?!  Of course.  So I'm just gonna keep on living my life and hopefully replacing this DENIAL with something more accepting.  Today to make myself feel better and to catch a certain someone's eye, I dressed up a little.  Pulled out the short skirt, scandalous tank top, and heeled sandals.  Yeah he was looking.  I saw him.  Thank God for peripheral vision.  :)  Hee hee.  GET this.  One of my friend's had the audacity (and concern I do suppose) to ask me if I had any morals.  Because whenever I talk to her, it's always about a party I went to or some guy I hooked up with.  And it's like-well, college is mostly about that.  She never asks about my classes so I just tell her about the social parts of my life.  What she DOESN'T know is that I have like-shaped up SO much these last few weeks of school.  If she thinks THIS is bad?  She should have seen me like-a month ago.  Literally.  See, I tried to NOT be offended.  But she blatantly asks "Don't you have any morals?"  Isn't there a better way to say that?  Like maybe, I'm concerned that you seem to be.....so openly nonchalant about your relationships and social activities.  GRRRRRRRR (to quote Rob I do suppose)  Speaking of which, Rob and Jen are hooked up baby!  Monday night in the garden :)  I'm so happy for them.  It's great.  Wish I could have somebody.....:(  But like Stacie said, I'd be surprised if I would actually wait.  And Kelly thinks I put too much effort into boys.  Which is true, I know.  But that's like-what I do.  And these past few weeks that I've been actually CONCENTRATING and being SERIOUS about school, I think I've balanced everything out pretty well between boys and school.  Okay, so I've concentrated a little bit more on boys, but hey, I got the equilibrium thing going on.  I just wish that I could have gotten that groove on EARLIER.  It would make my life SOOOO much more easier.  Oh well.  BUUUUT, I think that it is time to get going.  More included later.

April 24, 2001

This weekend was interesting and fun.  No, I didn't get to go to the TKE party w/Scott, but hey, I made up for it.  Stacie's boyf and his friend came up.  Then my friend came up on Saturday.  We partied, went out to eat, saw the locals dressed up for Prom.  Reminisced about our highschool years.....it was great.  I do kind of miss getting ready and dolled up for Prom.....<sigh>  Oh well.  At least last year totally kicked ass.  Going with Tony.....had a great dress.....I WOULD HAVE gone with Kris, but we broke up....damn.  Oh well.  Life goes on.  Anyhow.  .....Kelly is dragging my ass out tonight.  So we'll see how that goes.  Maybe I can convince someone else to go...................:)  Hee Hee

May 7, 2001

I went home w/my roommate this weekend and had such a blast.  We hung out with her boyfriend and his friends and went to see her sister's Grand March.  Watching everybody all dressed up made me remember what my prom was like....<sigh>  Talk about the memories.  Anyways.  We had a good time.  Well I know that I did for damn sure.  Hung out with someone that I have this HUGE crush on  now......:)  Rob is slightly ragging on me about that.  But hey, what can I do?  Finals week hasn't started to fray my nerves QUITE yet.  But I'm sure that within a day or so I'll be pulling out my hair by strands.  Piece by piece....ouch.  And I won't even get done until Friday!!!!!!!!  Argh.  But our room quickly picked itself up and is messier than when we had stuff IN it.  But I guess that's what happens when you start to pack up and there's nowhere to put it but up against the walls.  Well, that's where my stuff is at least.  GOOD NEWS.  We found a subleaser.  Actually Stacie found the subleaser, I was just the person to talk to him when he called back.  So now we no longer have to live or pay for our apartment in the summer.  Now that's a miracle.  One week before school is out he calls.  Can we say relief?  I can.  Well I'm gonna get back to doing NOTHING although I know I should be studying.  But how do you study for a test that your teacher never gave you anything to do in?  Yeah, difficult.  Tres tres trest difficile.  A'ight, here I am, going out.  Laterz.