"Good Things About Rooming With the President's Daughter"
   10. Bitchin' motorcade from history class to language lab
   9. She shows up with beer coasters hand-knit by Betsy Ross
   8. Your summer job next year: Ambassador to Belgium
   7. Secret Service guys always available to buy you beer
   6. Her care packages always include a tray of dad's "special"
   brownies
   5. You become fourth in line for Presidency
   4. At some point, you find yourself playing "quarters" with Ted
   Kennedy
   3. When ordering from Domino's, you can take advantage of
   the President's volume discount
   2. If you receive poor mark on test, you can have professor
   slapped around by Janet Reno
   1. Somehow, you're not so embarrassed about your own
   father

"Things Overheard at the MTV Video Music Awards"
   10. "Five minutes till show time -- we'd better thaw out Keith
   Richards"
   9. "I don't care what you're formerly known as -- just park my
   damn car"
   8. "Oh my God -- Coolio's hair just strangled an usher!"
   7. "Radiohead couldn't make it. Here to accept on his behalf is
   his brother, Toaster-Oven-Head"
   6. "I just saw Nine Inch Nails in the dressing room. It's more
   like Four Inch Nails"
   5. "I thought the Chemical Brothers were Christian Slater and
   Robert Downey Jr."
   4. "Jakob Dylan? Any relation to Matt Dillon?"
   3. "You little girls aren't allowed backstage -- oh, sorry,
   Hanson." <-----  GOOD ONE!!
   2. "Hey everybody -- let's beat up those snotty little bastards
   from 'The Real World'"
   1. "And the award for Puffiest New Artist goes to...Puff Daddy!"

"Rejected CBS Slogans for the Fall Season"
   10. "CBS: The network that brought you ‘Weezie' Jefferson!"
   9. "The Urkel has landed!"
   8. "Watch CBS, and an angel will come to your house and touch you"
   7. "Your grandparents watch us -- why don't you?"
   6. "On our network there's no chance you'll see Dennis Franz naked"
   5. "Now broadcasting in color!"
   4. "Watch us or we'll send Walker, Texas Ranger over to kick
       your ass"
   3. "We're the most entertaining network when viewed drunk"
   2. "Welcome home -- to more of the same old crap"
   1. "We're the poor man's WB"

"Things You Don't Want to Hear on Your First Day of School"
   10. "I'm guessing you didn't spend the summer at fat camp"
   9. "The new wood shop teacher has even fewer fingers than
   the last guy"
   8. "Hi. I'm the most beautiful girl in the school and I won't be
   going out with you again this year
   7. "Let's begin Phys. Ed. by covering the basic rules of grab
   ass"
   6. "Tell us what it's like to be the only virgin in Sex Ed. class"
   5. "The creepy janitor's got a cardboard cutout of you in the
   boiler room"
   4. "Did you see the principal on '60 Minutes' last week?"
   3. "Let's pretend the falling flakes of asbestos are snow"
   2. "My name is Mrs. Rosenblum -- you may remember me
   from last year as Mr. Rosenblum"
   1. "I'm your homeroom teacher, Mr. Hitler"

"Signs Your NFL Team Won't Be Doing Well This Season"
   10. Coach refers to X's and O's as "kisses" and "hugs"
   9. Instead of cooler of Gatorade, giant blender of Margaritas
   8. Wide receiver's religion forbids him to enter end zone
   7. Team's only playoff experience was in the Betty Crocker bake-off
   6. After a good play, they slap each other on the ass and don't
   stop until late the next morning
   5. Team's new cheer includes the words "rebuilding season"
   4. Defensive backs threaten to get opposing teams "zestfully clean"
   3. They've gained so much weight, they don't need pads in their
   uniforms
   2. Quarterback spends most of his time in locker room, sacking himself
   1. Team huddle has a "don't ask, don't tell" policy

"Cool Things About Being the World's Fastest Man"
   10. Allowed to race wearing nothing but a "World's Fastest
   Man" sash
   9. You're set for life as the new spokesman for Speedy Muffler
   King
   8. You can get a bitchin' new vanity plate like "FastDude"
   7. By sprinting from one side of the board to the other, you can
   play checkers against yourself
   6. Have easy excuse when girlfriend complains after sex
   5. You're rarely, if ever, referred to as "lard ass"
   4. You actually have time to use a separate shampoo and
   conditioner
   3. Nobody bothered by the cardboard lightning bolts you
   pasted to your head
   2. Get to meet the world's fattest man and ask, "So what's it
   like to be president?"
   1. When visiting New York, you can actually outrun the gunfire