Philosophical Soul Butter: The essays of Mr. Harum Scarum.

"Harum Scarum's Bits to Chew On"


  I was bored of Days of Our Lives, so I got up off my butt and 
looked at the books on my bookshelf. (If this sounds odd to some
of you out there, just try to bare in mind that I like books; 
they're my friends. They take me to far-away worlds where I can 
battle fire-breathing dragons and chase metaphorically nebulous 
white whales. Yeah right, like I'm some kind of poster geek for 
Reading Is Fundamental. Hook this on phonics.)
  
  Well, up at the bookshelf, I picked up a this little ditty 
called Life's Little Instruction Book. Almost immediately, my 
spider-sense kicked in. I dropped the book to the carpet, and 
suddenly it exploded into flames. Golly gee, I got lucky.

  After that, I vaccumed up the mess and sprayed some Lysol. I 
sat back down on the couch, but just as I was doing so, I started 
to a get a familiar itch on my back, like tiny claws a-scrapping.

  Within nanoseconds, I had blacked out and then had come back to, 
only to find my good buddy Harum Scarum in all of his lower primate 
glory smoking a cigarrette on my coffee table. He just looked up at
me, took off his Shriner's cap, removed a piece of paper from inside 
it, and handed it to me. He took another drag and jumped onto my 
shoulder. Once again, I blacked out, but I came to seconds later, 
finding my furry friend gone but his message still remained.
   
  Curious george, myself, I looked at the piece of paper Harum 
Scarum had given me, moments before he'd decided to slip back under 
my skin. Here is what it said:


1. You're only as cool as your CD collection.
2. Did the Virgin Mary have stretch marks?
3. The Liberty Bell is cracked.
4. There are some things to admire about Hitler.
5. Alex Trebek lives with his mother.
6. It doesn't matter if male models are actually gay. Everybody thinks
 they are.
7. God is Good without the extra 'o.'
8. Louis Farrakhan has crystal chandeliers and mirrored walls in his 
house.
9. They made 3 Porky's movies.
10. Professional Wrestling is real. Professional Boxing is fake.
11. How many times can Tide be "new and improved."
12. The United States owns the Moon.
13. Capitalize on other people's fear of the number 13.
14. Sharks have every right to eat you when you swim in their ocean.
15. They can grow plastic on tobacco leaves.
16. Movie theaters were not designed for fat people.
17. Perfume is really eau de toilette.
18. The car of the future was designed 50 years ago.
19. The Statue of Liberty is in New Jersey.
20. Tampons and soap come free in the mail.
21. The French piss in the streets.
22. Americans have already killed off all of their elephants.
23. Michael Jackson only invites young boys to sleep with him. Girls 
aren't welcome in his bedroom.
24. Burt Reynolds slapped Dom Deluise for laughs.
25. Collecting matches is an expensive hobby.
26. Abraham Lincoln didn't wear a toupee.
27. Four out of Five dentists choose Crest.
28. If gambling is illegal, then why is the point spread listed in 
the paper?
29. Hurricanes don't hit Colorado.
30. Someone covered for JFK when he snuck women into the White House.
31. David Koresh knew they were coming.
32. There are more Asian-American figure skaters on the professional
 circuit than African-American.
33. Tammy Faye Baker puts on make-up for a reason.
34. People still live in Hiroshima.
35. Not all athletes need an education.
36. Porn movies are heavily edited.
37. Gather five supermodels together, and one of them is bound to be
the ugly one.
38. Star Trek was cancelled after only 3 years into its 5 year mission.
39. It's safer to fly than to drive.
40. Nordberg is free because Frank Dreben was on the case.


Harum Scarum Links

Harum Scarum's and the Infinity Monkey's Home Page: A very tiny fish in a very big sea.
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Mr. Harum Scarum

chaire42@lycosemail.com
All work herein is copyrighted by Mr.
Harum Scarum and the Infinty Monkeys



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