Grandmaster Kraut
Pretty-Good Master Rob of Iceland
Swellmaster Scott of the Pennsylvania Chapter
Sir Loin of the Winged Buffalo, High Clerist of the Order
Imperator Dave Lamfada, Lord Defender of Simianopolis
Sir Render, Representative of the Shnoomonkey Clan
Sir Plev of the Heterosexual Persuasion
The Madd Sir Hatter, Keeper of Useless Stuff
the Deacon Sir MOtto of Ye Olde Haddoning Field
Sir Vial the Obsequious, Crash Test Dummy of the Simian Horde
Sir Bob of Faire Fax, Lackey to the Grandmaster
Grandmaster Kraut is the Grand Poobah of the Mystic Order of the Golden Monkey. What he says, might go (if others don't object to it). The descendant of Sir Krauteriah, Kraut was loitering around a gas station half-heartedly mopping up spills when he inhaled one too many a noxious fume and had a vision. He saw Krauteriah, his ancestor who had been defeated at the Battle of Stonehenge in 1734. Krauteriah spake unto him, "You, Kraut, must restore the Mystic Order of the Golden Monkey to its former glory. Without you, the world will forever be lost to the Human hordes and their ways. Do not fail me." And Kraut was imbued with the knowledge of the ancient Simian Empire. After waking up in a pool of his own vomit, Grandmaster Kraut ventured out into the world to reform the order. And the rest is history...
Sir Loin of the Winged Buffalo is not the great warrior that some of his contemporaries might pride themselves as being. Loin rather has become a sort of classic paladin, fighting not just only for his race of monkeys, but for his God, the great Creator and Monitor of the simian race. Before his days as a knight, Loin was the greatest monkey pimp of his day. One day, however, a small golden chicken appeared to him and convinced him that that was not the occupation that would best benefit monkeys everywhere. He left his sinful profession and became a priest, serving in the Basillica of Saint George the Curious, the patron saint of monkeys everywhere. When he saw that the warlike monkeys would not leave their war with the Saracens for God, he brought God to them. He and his deacon MOtto formed the Order of the Winged Buffalo, a Holy Brotherhood of Knights pledged to God in the name of Saint George and the holy chicken that saved his soul. Sadly, the knights of the Order were all killed in a decisive battle with the Saracens. After this battle, MOtto was captured and banished to Antarctica and Loin took up a regular position at a bar in New Orleans. When the Grandmaster Kraut returned to his homeland to seek knights for the Mystic Order of the Golden Monkey, Sir Loin was happy to lend his services. Sir Loin has assumed the title of High Clerist of the Order and has merged the crusades of the golden monkey and the golden chicken. While he has long given up pimping, Loin now seeks the salvation of the wenches who serve the Order.
The neigh-invincible Sir Dave Lamfada is the warlike heir to Simius of Simgra-La. A half-decent warrior on his home of Bizarro World, Dave ventured 250 years ago into 'the Lower Realms' (a sort of tropical Antarctica) in search of adventure. Notoriously clumsy, he stumbled through a Men's Room Door into this dimension...right into the Battle Ring of the Antarctic Snow Monkeys! Defeating them all in mass combat with powerful headbutts, he asserted his pedigree and assumed the role of Imperator of the Simian Horde. He became sponsor to Sir Krauteriah when the knights arrived in their perilous fight against the Saracens. After Krauteriah's order was demolished at Stonehenge in 1734, however, Dave began work on a personal exoskeletal battlesuit (to retard aging) and a new city/strike-base. Meeting Sir Kraut when the Grandmaster travelled south to retrace the route of Krauteriah's journeys, Dave joined up with this revived Order, setting himself up as Viceroy of the Lower Realms and recruiting his Horde as the crack monkey strike team. He now sits up at night in his glorious new capital city of Simianopolis, amidst the spoils of his asinine crusades, awaiting the latest Saracen attack and biding his time until the monkeys rise again.
Raised in the freezing Antarctic, Sir Render soon became a great champion of
the Shnoomonkey clan when he was the sole survivor of a clan war. He lived many years leading his people out of death and into slavery over
and over again. Then one day the Godmonkey,
Don Von, spoke to Sir Render and told him to take a small band of
warriors and find a clan by the name of The Golden Monkey. Sir Render
searched diligently with no success. Then on a dark week called Hell
Week, he meet one Imperator Dave of the Simian Horde. Sir Render was the
first to kneel before Imperator Dave, and the first to accept his holy
shackles. Not long after their meeting, Sir Render was given his title
"Sir Render, Representative of the Shnoomonkey Clan, Water boy to the
Simian Horde." He one day hopes to bring his clan of Shnoomonkeys and
The Golden Monkey together to stop injustice to monkeys everywhere.
