After he heard the door close behind Shelby, Questa remained in his position for a very long time. He didn't think, he simply let the tears flow, soaking into his pillow. He hid himself completely in the comforter, trembling and shuddering with painful, miserable sobs.
Finally, the tears began to subside and Questa, breathing through his mouth because his nose was completely plugged, opened his eyes. He stared at the wall and began to think.
The rational part of Questa's mind knew that what Shelby had done was one of the bravest things anyone had ever done for him. He didn't believe he deserved such treatment, but apparently she did. In fact, that part of his mind reasoned, Shelby had been doing brave, caring things for Questa since the day they first met, back when he was being held hostage by his abusers, and she was the voice that brought him back from the darkness that accompanied any time spent in abusive captivity.
'But she lied! She said all sorts of painful, hurtful t'ings b'fore she left...an' she kept doin' it even t'ough she knew how much it hurt you! People don' do dat kinda t'ing to someone dey claim to love!' The other part of his mind piped up angrily. This was the part of his mind that had been cracked by too many years of physical, emotional and sexual abuse. It was this part that dictated his need for warm human contact, his emotional teeter-tottering, and his fear of letting anyone, even Shelby, get too close to his raw, damanged soul.
Questa sighed and uncurled himself from his cramped position, lying flat on his back and staring at the light dancing on the ceiling. "Yeah she lied. An' yeah it hurt. But it hurt her too..." He said to the shadows. He was unstable, but he certainly wasn't blind. "She lied to protect me an' to protect her mission. She went out dere, tracked dem down an' killed dem. An' for what? For me! She did it all so she could come back an' help me heal de way...de way..."
'De way you both knew you'd never heal if dey were still alive.' The rational voice finished.
"She loves me." Questa whispered, his blue eyes brimming over with tears again. "She did it b'cause she loves me."
'People ain' s'posed to hurt de ones dey love...' The other voice insisted. 'Your fam'ly was s'posed to love you an' take care of you, but dey hurt you instead. Shelby claims to love you, but she hurt you too. Don' forget dat!'
"Oh shut up." Questa told the second voice. "Shelby is nothin' like dem an' you know it. B'sides...I s'pose my bein' de way I am has hurt her too...an' she don' d'serve dat. Now dat dey're actually, really dead, maybe I can move on. She can help me move on, de way it was s'posed to be when she rescued me las' year."
'So what are you gon' do?' The rational voice asked. The other voice disappeared when told to shut up, and Questa was glad of that. That voice always scared him, because it usually showed up when things were especially bad for him emotionally. He'd had many conversations with that voice over the years, and it had dominated his being in the weeks Shelby was gone.
"I'm crazy, I'm not stupid. I love her...an' as much as dat scares me half to death, I'm not lettin' dat get away from me. Not when I have a chance to actually live my life wit'out bein' scared of dem."
With that, Questa got up off his bed and, comforter still wrapped around his shaky body, he crossed the room and opened the door with a trembling hand.
Shelby was downstairs, sitting in the living room with the rest of the Guild. Her tears were in check, but it was clear she was upset and worried. As Questa came down the stairs, he heard her voice drifting from the big, cozy room. "...I said everything I could say...and I don't think he believes me. But I don't have any other way to explain it to him."
"You comin' back so sudden was a shock, Shelby. So were de few simple truths you told him." Theoren, always the voice of reason, said. "Once he's past dat, an' clears his mind enough to t'ink 'bout it, he'll come 'round., you'll see."
"But what if he doesn't? What if he can't forgive me? That's what I've been so scared about all this time...none of what I did will matter if it doesn't end up helping him. And if he can't forgive me..." Shelby reiterated.
Questa took that as his cue and appeared in the doorway of the living room, his face betraying how physically and emotionally drained he was. He leaned against the door jam, blinking his eyes to try and adjust them to the brightness of the room. Really, there were too many windows.
"Questa...?" Bella Donna asked quietly. "What is it?"
"Need to speak to Shelby." Questa replied, his voice strained but surprisingly calm. He looked at the young woman sitting between Bel and Fifolet on the couch. "Can you come back up here wit' me?"
"Of course." Shelby replied, rising from her seat and following him up the stairs and down the hall, back into his bedroom. Neither one of them spoke until the door was closed behind them. Questa got back into bed, where he seemed to be most comfortable just then, and shook his head when he saw Shelby going for the chair.
"Non. You ain' never sat on dat chair when talkin' to me de whole time you lived here...not until today. It was okay b'fore, but..."
Shelby nodded and moved, sitting on the edge of his bed, looking at him as he leaned agaisnt the pillows with a sigh. "When I was talking to them downstairs, I realized something. I never said I'm sorry. I am sorry, you know. I never wanted to hurt you and I'm sorry things ended up like this but--"
Questa sat back up and stopped her by gently putting a finger on her lips. "Shush, Shel. I know you're sorry. You don' have to apologize. Jus' lemme talk, okay?" Shelby nodded again and shut her lips, waiting for him to continue.
"Theoren was right...I was more'n a little shocked when you came back...an' when I heard what you had to say." Questa stated, leaning back again. "I was confused, hurt, scared, relieved, angry an' overjoyed all at de same time...it got overwhelmin'. Dat's why I asked you to leave for awhile. I had to get my tears out an' den t'ink. An' dat's what I did. I figured out for myself dat everythin' you did, even lyin' to me, you did b'cause you love me an' want me to get better. I look at you an'...I don' d'serve someone like you, Shelby. You've been nothin' but loyal, carin', patient an' brave when it comes to me...ever since de day we met. An' all I've done is cause heartache an' pain for you. Don' seem fair, dat."
"But that wasn't your fault, Questa. I never once blamed you for the fact that I felt that way." Shelby interrupted.
"Oh I know. You love me...you don' care dat I'm an assassin, you don' mind dat I'm completely screwed up...you're determined to take care of me an' help me...which is somethin' I admit I ain' used to. An' I feel bad...b'cause I'm not good at expressin' de good t'ings, y'know? It's easy for me to feel sad or depressed or hurt or angry or whatever...b'cause I'm used to dat stuff. Dat's what comes natural to me, b'cause it's all I've known for so long. No one else in de whole world except for my mother, who's been dead thirty-two years, an' Tante Mattie has ever tried to show me any real affection...not de way you've been doin'." Questa continued. "I realized, after you left...even well b'fore you left...what I feel. But it's so alien to me it's hard to put into words..."
Shelby waited, her eyes shining. She knew he had to get everything out in his own time, and didn't want to try to make it come sooner than he could handle.
"I know it mus' be hard for you...wit' me always pullin' away when you try to get close to me...it's instinct, I can' help it. I'm sorry for it, t'ough, b'cause I don' want to pull away. You're de mos' amazin' person I've ever known in my life...you're smart, beautiful an' for some reason you want me!" Questa shook his head in wonder. "I still haven' figured dat one out yet, but maybe I never will. De t'ing is, t'ough...I know I've never said it an' I know I can' express it too well, but I love you. An' maybe more important...I need you. You're de only person wit' de ability to make me t'ink dat life's worth livin' after all, as long as you're in it."
"Oh Questa..." Shelby began. A smile lit up her beautiful face but it was soon replaced by a look of surprise.
Questa sat up while she spoke and, without really thinking about what he was doing, let his feelings do the talking. He leaned over and caught Shelby's lips with his own in a soft, tentative kiss that shocked them both and made Questa tremble. The embrace didn't last long, and Questa let out a sigh of contentment which was followed by a smile. "I wanted to do dat for a long time, but didn' know how." He said, a little embarrassed.
"I wanted you to do it, too. I'm glad you did." Shelby said, thinking in amazement at how good it felt. "I love you."
"Shel?" Questa asked, suddenly very serious again, taking her hand in his. "Promise me somethin'...?"
"Sure, Questa."
"Please don' leave me...I couldn' bear it if you went away 'gain..."
With a warm smile, Shelby reached over to him and pulled him close to her in one of the hugs he craved so deeply. "I will never leave you unless you ask me to, Questa. I promise." She whispered into his ear, holding him close against her so he could hear her heart beat and feel that she really was there around him.
Relieved, Questa leaned against her, feeling safer and more content than he had since she left. Things were looking up and life really was worth living again.