Janie looked up at the stars, trying to find the big dipper, tuning out Rob.  He had been
rambling about the old days for about an hour now and Janie was utterly bored.  She
wanted to cut in and just blurt out her secret, but she couldn't.  Even though she had
known him since they were two, she still had to work up a little more courage before she
would be comfortable enough to tell him.  She had always been that way, even for silly
little things, like telling him she was going out with Chris, or in a fight with her little
sister.  
	"Janie, are you listening to me?"
	"Of course I am."
	Rob resumed talking.  Janie looked off the other end of the porch they were
standing on.  She saw the giant oak tree that the two of them used to play under as
children.  She remembered the lazy summer days when they would climb to the top and
watch the world unfold beneath them.  She remembered that fateful day when she had
lost her footing and fell what seemed like forever, then hit the hard ground.  She had
broken her leg, but six weeks later she was climbing the tree again.  After the incident
that day Rob had never again climbed the tree.  In fact, he always stayed at least five feet
away from it.  She chuckled to herself.  She decided Rob had talked long enough.
	"Rob," she said cutting him off, "I didn't drag you outside, away from your
friends, just to reminisce."
	"I know, but we haven't seen each other in over a year, and we have a lot of
catching up to do."  He looked at her, trying to identify her with the Janie he used to
know.  She had lost a lot of weight, had gotten rid of her glasses and bought contact
lenses, and her complexion had become pale.  But it didn't matter to him, she was still
Janie, and he would always love her as he had loved her when they were children.  He
decided he didn't want to talk seriously and started to ramble again.
	"Look," Janie said, "I can't hold it in anymore."
	He looked at her blankly.
	"No matter what, you have to promise me you won't blame yourself."
	"What?  I don't understand."
	"Just listen to me, Rob.  Remember about five years ago?"
	"Yeah, we were seniors in high school, boy that was a great year."
	"Remember June 1st?"
	"June 1st?  Look, if you have something to tell me why don't you just come out
and say it.  Stop beating around the bush.  Like you said before, we're not out here to
reminisce."  He saw her flinch as the words hit her and immediately wished he had
thought about them before he said them.  This had been happening to him a lot lately.  He
promised himself he wouldn't make the same mistake twice.  Then, he tried to rectify it. 
"Look, Janie, I didn't mean..."
	"Shut up."  He looked at her with his mouth wide open.  He had never heard her
so forceful before, so self-confident and unafraid.  This was the Janie he was in love
with, the Janie he wanted to marry, one day.  "I'm going to tell you everything if you just
sit there and be quiet."  He nodded.  "June 1st was the night of the senior prom.  If you
remember correctly we were supposed to go together.  Well, I got all dressed up and went
over to Kelly's house for the before prom party.  You weren't there.  I just figured that you
were going to be a little late, so I stayed, and mingled, and had fun.  Then we all went out
to dinner.  You still weren't there.  After dinner Sara, Chris, and I went to your house. 
We rang the doorbell and your mom answered the door.  She said you were in bed,
asleep.  So I went home.  Word got around pretty fast and I had been home for only two
hours when Steve called.  He wanted to try to cheer me up, so he immediately came over. 
No one was home at my house, so to drown my depression I had already broken out the
Vodka.  When he got there we kept drinking.  I thought I was in love with him at the
time, but I think it was just the alcohol.  Well, one thing led to another and, well, you can
guess what happened next."
	"So what, it's no big deal.  People lose their virginity every day.  It was five years
ago, you have to stop regretting it." 
	"Rob, I'm dying."
	He felt his heart fall into his stomach.  "What?" 
	"Remember when Steve died in that car crash?"  Rob nodded.  "Since the other
guy was dead too everyone just assumed it was the other guy's fault.  No one could ever
imagine Steve doing something like that.  Steve was perfect, and all the girls flocked to
him.  What no one knows is that Steve induced that accident.  He was committing
suicide.  Don't doubt it!  Don't think I'm making it up!  Steve sent a suicide note to my
house!  I couldn't do anything, I couldn't tell anyone!  I've known what no one else has
known!  I've had to live with it!  Steve was dying anyway.  You'd have never known, but
he was starting to show the signs.  He couldn't stand it.  He had to maintain his image. 
Steve had AIDS."
	"You're lying."
	"No, I'm not!  He put it in the letter.  Look, I've never lied to you before, why
should I start now."
	"You know how close I was to Steve.  You know how much I cried when I found
out he was gone forever.  I knew him.  I would have known something like that.  He
would have told me."
	"No, Rob, he wouldn't have."
	"Why didn't you tell me sooner.  Janie, he's been dead for three and a half years."
	"Yeah, and so have you."
	"What?  What are you talking about?  I'm alive!  I'm here!  I've always been here!" 
	"Now that you have your college friends you just toss me aside."
	"No...Janie I..."
	"Rob, you hardly ever write."
	"Janie, you know I don't have a lot of time."
	"Look Rob, I brought you here to say good-bye."
	"Say good-bye, what?"
	"The doctors have given me one more month to live.  It'll be easier if you just
forget about me now."
	"Can't they do anything about it?"
	"There's no cure.  Don't you read the papers.  People die every day of this disease. 
Its no big loss if one more 'hick' dies of the disease.  Maybe the world would be a better
place with one less Janie.  Look, I've come to accept it.  I've come to deal with it.  I've
come to terms with it.  Now I'm moving on.  I'm spending my last days dancing in the
corn fields of Nebraska."  
	"But Janie..."
	"Rob, no buts."
	"Janie I love you."
	"What?"  Janie turned to him.
	"There I said it."
	 The words sunk into Janie's consciousness.  She had wanted to hear those words
forever, but now they seemed to strike her as a biting, caustic force.  She didn't want it
anymore.  She didn't want to leave love behind.  Tears streamed down Janie's cheeks. 
She walked briskly past him and down the front stairs.  At the bottom of the stairs she
paused, took a deep breath, and whispered "Oh Rob, I'm so sorry."  Then she kept
walking.  Rob stood in the same place he had been, unbelieving, and felt a piece of
himself die.  Then he walked slowly to the giant oak tree, and climbed it.

is it not better to follow your dreams and risk hanging on the cross of
failed aspirations then to place yourself permanently in the cage of
other's expectations?

 i refuse to buy into the imposed importance of choosing a major. to
make 18 year olds pick a path and stick to it is absurd, to make anyone
pick a path and stick to it is absurd...
this is a process and if following my inclinations brings me to a place
not described by society's pre-packaged futures, so be it.
life doesn't follow our laws of cause and effect, life doesn't fall into
the "logical" binaries we waste our time imposing upon the human
condition. if you...then you, if you don't....then you can't. it doesn't
work like that.
 i am a human being, one that takes interest in the WHOLE world around
her, and i won't be and can't be confined to one subject or one field.
isn't college supposed to be about exploration?
isn't life about exploration?
i will not resign myself to conforming to the cultural myths of career
development in this country, i'll find my career when i fuckin find it,
not when i am told to look for it.
i want to learn art history. and i won't permit myself to guess at the
future, because guessing is a harmful, hateful and hurtful exercise in
futility. am i giving myself up to fate? to a greater force? am i
purging myself of my responsibilities to my future? NO. i am just for
once, shedding the arrogance of a chosen future and realistically
applying the theory that life is a journey and not a destination to
myself and my goals. i believe in the journey, and since the destination
can not be seen, explained, or experienced without the journey, all
guesses at it now are irrelevant and futile. i am not going to exhaust
my mental effort, sanity, and energy on something that is intangible to
me now.

i am exercising my right to indecision


(This was written by Sybil, you can read her bio if I ever get around to writing it, she is
currently attending Columbia University in NYC)