You might also be a redneck if...
- When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
- Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon.
The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
- Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
- When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents
of the Beurau of Alcohol
- Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if
you can loose them or not.
- You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that is!
- Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
- "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking
brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl
make love.
- Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him
around in.
- You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
- You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
- Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
- You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
- You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
- You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
- You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
- You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over
your fireplace.
- You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
- You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting.
- There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
- The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low
Places'
- It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
- You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray
are the three of the primary colors.
- You ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to
defend your sister's honor.
- You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
- Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
- The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just the men.
- Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...
on her house.
- The ASPCA raids yer kitchen.
- You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so
you can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.
- Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.
- You can't get married to your sweetheart cause there is a law
against it.
- You celebrate groundhog day ('cause you believe in it!!)
- You've been on TV more than five times describing what the
tornado sounded like.
- You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch
something!
- When you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" it reminds
you to pull up your jeans.
- Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place
consists of taking the wheels off his doublewide
(in memory of Chris "No House" Skowronski)...
- Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction
in your home town.
- You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
- Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank
of gas in the truck.
- "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night"
at the local bar.
- Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've
got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
- You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
- You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing
"I Will Always Love You".
- Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'. (of course this
is a very sophisticated redneck joke... if you laughed...
you must be a redneck, only they will get this one.)
- You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet
item. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy
Center. (Clinton true-life story)
- The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway
Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he
pays you for it).
- You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight
with Alan Jackson.
- You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
- You ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!"
- You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
- Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting
events.
- You ever parked a Camero in a tree.
- Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
- Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
- The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending
on how much gas it has in it.
- Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to
the restroom was flooded.
- On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as
possible".
- During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom
together.
- You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when
it gets light.
- On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys
to the tractor.
- In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
- Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
- You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."
- Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart
shoppers!".
- Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.
- You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your
car hood.
- You bring your dog to work with you.
- You ever took a six pack to a job interview.
- You can belch and say your name at the same time.
- You ever put oil or anti-freeze in your truck in a
K-mart parking lot.
- You wear your ball cap when you eat in a restaurant.
- You sit up all night with a sick dog, but make your wife
stay up with a sick kid.
- You ever ate roadkill for dinner.
- You have to honk the horn to get the chickens out of the
driveway when you come home.
- You get mud on your tires when you visit your mom.
- You painted racing flames on the John Deere.
- You can fart the first six notes of the Star Spangled Banner.
- You can talk for more than 20 minutes on the difference
between squirrel and rabbit stew.
- Any family discussion of chicken and dumplings turns to
Aunt Edna's cooking and ends with a few moments of respectful
silence.
- You have scars on the back of your hand where Uncle Jeb
stabbed you while you were reaching for the last piece of
fried chicken.
- People come to your house to ask if they can hunt on your
front lawn.
- Your bike has a gun rack on it.
- The UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.
- Your grandmother has ever stopped by the side of a highway
to take a leak.
- You ever had sex in a sattelite dish.
- You go to a bowling alley that has valet parking.
- You are known for your homemade squash wine.
- You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and
heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.
- You wrote in Richard Petty's name on a presidential ballot.
- Your watchband is wider than any book you've ever read.
- You hit a bump in the road and lose half of your worldly
possesions.
- You ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of
bridge clearance restrictions.
- Your father fully executes the "pull my finger" gag during
Christmas dinner.
- Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.
- After removing the empty beer cans from your car, you find
that it gets fifteen more miles to the gallon.
- Someone asks to see your marriage license, and you have to
dig through the floorboard of your GTO.
- You know which leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
- The Health Inspector visits your mothers restaurant and asks
to see the body fluid clean up kit, and she points at the dog.
- Your name is Junior, Junior.
- Anyone in your family died right after saying "Hey,
Y'all watch this!".