You have more tattoos than teeth. 
The only tailored items in your wardrobe are your bowling ball and your bedsheet. 
You know how many bales of hay your car holds. 
You have the word "howdy" in your answering machine message. 
You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them. 
Your two year old has more teeth than you do. 
You refer to the duct tape on your car as "chrome". 
Your truck stalled on the expressway. And you never went back for it. 
You ever drove a truck into the creek just to see if it would float. 
You wish your outhouse were as nice as those at the state park. 
The family business needs a lookout. 
You've painted a car with house paint. 
You think the stock market is a place to buy hogs. 
Your mama can back down a biker. 
You ever named a child after a dog. 
Your truck has a new sunroof because the shotgun fell off the rack when you slammed the
    door. 
Your sister's education goal is to get out of highschool before she gets pregnant. 
You walk your dog & you both use the same tree down on the corner. 
You have more belt-buckles than pants. 
You call your sister, "Dear." 
A family feud arises sunday morning between family members who want to watch jimmy
    swaggart and those who want to watch wwf. 
A fancy night out for your family is a jaunt through the drive thru window at hardee's. 
A man asks your wife to dance and she takes off her clothes and dances on the table. 
After the prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with empty beer bottles. 
All of your four letter words are two syllables. 
Anyone in your family wrestles alligators for a living. 
Anything outside the lower 48 is "overseas." 
Birds are attracted to your beard. 
Dressing up is wearing the flannel shirt without any rips in it. 
During your wedding, when you kissed the bride, your john deere hat fell off. 
Every socket in your house breaks a fire code. 
Fifth grade was the best six years of your life. 
Have had lovemaking interrupted by a cow sticking it's head in the car window. 
Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you. 
Your idea of forplay is: "get in the truck, bitch!" 
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming. 
People hear your car a long time before they see it. 
Someone asks, "where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "she's at home with the kids." 
Stealing road signs is a family outing. 
The cockroaches left you a note saying, "clean this place up!" 
Your girl wears a dress that is strapless and a bra that is not. 
You have to wash your hands before going to the bathroom. 
Your mom french kisses better than your sister. 
On sunday's people stop by to ask if you're having a yard sale and you're not. 
Your face looks like it just been run over by a car wash. 
Your dog has fleas on the inside of its ears. 
The clock in your kitchen reads the time backwards. 
Roses smell like their drunk. 
Your house gets up and runs away. 
When you take your trash to the dump and you return home with more stuff than you left with. 
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner. 
You ever cut your grass and found a car. 
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't. 
You think the stock market has fence around it. 
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater. 
You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu. 
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 
You own a homemade fur coat. 
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns. 
You burn your yard rather than mow it. 
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath." 
You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in." 
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. 
The Salvation Army declines your mattress. 
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. 
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved
     one. 
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language. 
Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids." 
Birds are attracted to your beard. 
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest. 
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born. 
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial. 
You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately. 
Your school fight song has "Dueling Banjos". 
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument. 
You've ever given rat traps as gifts. 
You clean your fingernails with a stick. 
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool. 
You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table. 
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice. 
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. 
Every socket in your house breaks a fire code. 
You've totaled every car you've ever owned. 
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car. 
The Home Shopping operator recognized your voice. 
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door. 
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. 
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape. 
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.