Announcer: Pasta al a Mario will not be shown this week. We now bring you a special program.

Smash: And welcome to Secret Lives of the Koopas, the show where we bring you the latest dirt on your favorite rulers!  We will be using secret cameras I set up in New Castle Koopa. These will capture every scene in the entire castle. And I do mean every scene! The Koopas do not know about the cameras, so prepare for what you always wanted to know!

Smash looks to the side.

Smash: Are we ready? Cameras… online! We begin in the kitchen. It seems that Clawdia is preparing dinner for Bowser.

Clawdia: Let’s see, salt, pepper, Tabasco… and the piece de resistance, *holds up a steaming vial of green liquid* poison! That’ll teach him to chase after that tramp, Peach!

Smash: *scribbles down a note* Okay, let’s see what Ludwig is doing.

Ludwig is working on a machine. He tightens the last bolt and washes his hands. He climbs into his bed and rolls over onto his side.

Smash: *yawn* This is boring. I wonder what Morton is… Wait!  What’s this?
L
udwig: I have come for you, my love. Oh, your eyes are two deep pools of blue. I want to sink into them.  Your hair… it defies definition.

Giggling and kissing sounds come from the bed.

???: Oh, Ludwig, tell me more!

Smash: Oh ho!  Ludwig’s got a girlfriend! I wonder who it is? Zoom in. *scribbles on a piece of paper*

Camera zooms in.

Smash: It’s a Yoshi with a shell. Hm... Okay, that has to be the *counts on his fingers* third strangest thing I’ve ever seen. And what are they do- Oh, that’s sickening!  We can’t show that! Cut! Cut! CUT! Blech! I think
we’d better go to a commercial break.

Choir: (to tune of Halleluiah Chorus) Wondersugar! Wondersugar! Wondersugar, Wondersugar, Wondersugar!

Mewd: Buy Wondersugar Popsicles, please! If you don’t, they’ll say I failed and stick me in the steam room with Star Koopa again! Hey, what are you doing? HELP!

Bowser: Sugar sugar sugar… Buy Wondersugar Pops! I know where you live!

Announcer: Yes, YOU can enjoy Wondersugar even if you’re a fogey!

Bowser: WHAT?!

Bowser lunges at the camera.

Smash: And we’re back!

Bob the Extra runs up, hands Smash a note, and runs off. Smash reads it.

Smash: Okay then. Our network censors say we can’t show Ludwig anymore, so what else is there?

Cut to Morton’s room.

Morton: *laughing* Oh man, that’s so funny because it makes me laugh and I like it and…

The TV Morton is talking at suddenly explodes.

Smash: That’s it? That happens every day! But wait! What’s this?

Morton runs down a hidden stairwell and ends up in a shrine.

Morton: Oh, forgive me, my lord! I worked so hard to betray them, but they stopped me!

Morton is face down before a golden figurine of Mario.

Smash: SO! Morton’s a traitor! We’ve got blackmail material!

Morton: Please don’t kill me, my lord! I was trying!

Morton begins to cry.

Smash: *tears of laughter running down his face* Hahahahahoooo! I tell ya, this is funny! We now bring you to (snicker) Iggy’s room. Hee, hee, hee…

Iggy is hitting a punching bag with a picture of Lemmy on it.

Iggy: Take this, Lemmy! (Bam!) This is for getting all the credit! (Wham!) This is for looking so much like me! (Slam!)

Smash: I’d say Iggy is suffering from the Luigi syndrome.

Iggy wets his shell.

Smash: Okay, now I’m sure Iggy’s suffering from the Luigi syndrome. *scribbles down a note* Go to Roy’s room now.

Roy’s room is empty.

Smash: Okay then… Follow the path to Larry’s room.

Roy is outside Larry’s room. He knocks.

Roy: Is it okay if I come in and beat you and give you massive internal injuries?

Larry: %%%%, no!

Roy: Oh… sorry…

Roy slinks off with his face as pink as his shell. Smash scribbles down a note. The camera stays on Larry’s room. Larry soon staggers out.

Larry: That was so-hic! Som-hic! Some good june pruice… Hic! And with a follow-up of seam croda, Hic!

Smash: Larry’s a drunkard? Oooh…

Smash scribbles on the paper again. The camera cuts to Wendy. She is holding a whip.

Wendy: Sit! (Crack!) Good! Now lay down! (Crack!) Good!

The camera zooms out to reveal Lemmy on the receiving end. He winces and does as Wendy says.

Smash: So! Lemmy is really Wendy’s slave! This’ll make all the papers in Ice Land! Ha ha!

Cut to Kamek.

Kamek: And a little dust of Goomba. There!

Kamek drinks the potion he made.

Kamek: Yummy!

Ding!

Suddenly, all the Magikoopas in the castle begin to sing.

Magikoopas: (In perfect unison) Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam! Wonderful Spam! Glorious Spam! (Ding!) You’ll wonder where the yellow went, when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent! (Ding!)

The Magikoopas sing the entire works of Andrew Lloyd Weber.

Much later...

Smash is kissing Gillian.

Bob the Extra: Smash? We’re on!

Smash: Hm? Oops…

Smash runs to another room.

Smash: Oh, we’re back. Now we see what happens when we bring the entire dysfunctional family together.

Bowser walks into the kitchen and begins to shout.

Bowser: Where’s my dinner? I want it now! NOW!

Clawdia rushes in, holding her poisoned dish. She sets it on the table. Bowser eats it all in three seconds.

Bowser: (Burp) I want more! More!

Larry walks down the stairs, but trips and falls down the last seven.

Larry: (Hic) I’m here, King… Dad (Hic).

Ludwig walks down the stairs. His face is stained with lipstick.

Ludwig: Whoo! That was… (Oops, King Dad’s here. Gotta stay quiet)

Morton walks in. His face is tear-stained.

There is a cracking sound and Lemmy runs to the table. He whimpers as Wendy sits.

Iggy walks in. When he sees Lemmy, he clenches his fists, and his claws pierce his own skin.

Iggy: Yeow!

Roy slowly walks in. His face is still red.

They all sit down and begin to eat.  Suddenly…

Lemmy: Glak!

Lemmy falls down and dies. His remains burst into flames.

Iggy: Yahoo! He’s dead, he’s dead! Hahahahaha!

Clawdia: Oops, wrong dish…

Lemmy's ashes suddenly pop back to life.

Lemmy: What the %#$%#$?!

Lemmy belches and the castle collapses.

Lemmy: Oops…

Smash: And now I give my final thoughts.

Smash takes out his paper.

Smash: Ludwig is destined to be a teenage parent. Morton is a traitor. Clawdia needs to seek psychological help. Iggy hates his brother. Roy is a coward. Larry will soon be in a slum, paying anything for a drink. Wendy is a slaver. Lemmy will soon be the laughing stock if Ice Land. Kamek is a commercial addict. Overall, if you live in the Koopa Kingdom, you will die very, very soon. Big surprise. You mean you didn’t know? Oh, come ON! Duh!

Have a scribble of your own?  Email me!
Go back to Lemmy's Scribbles.
Go back to my main page.