Picard: Lemmy

Riker: Iggy

Data: Morton

Worf: Roy

LaForge: Ludwig

Troi: Wendy

Wesley: Larry

Dr. Crusher:  Susan

Q: TMS

Female Q: Chu’Mana

Judge Q: Smash

Ensign No-Name:  Nick the Goomba, Bob the Extra, Mario, Luigi

The entire Borg Collective: Sandslash

Ferengi: All the Mewds on Zon

Vulcans: Kamek and Magikoopas

Specter: Romulan Commander
 

Voice: Space, the final frontier.  These are…

Lemmy: Can it baldy, this is our show now.

Voice: Space, the big parking lot. These are the voyages of the Starship Itsame. Its one story mission: to explore strange new gene pools, to seek out cheap parking and a higher standard of living and to boldly go where no one wanted to go before!

Da, dada da, dada da!

Lemmy: Captain’s Log, Stardate… Darn.  Number One, what’s today? Yes, I know it’s Tuesday, but what’s the date? The STARdate!

Iggy: Don’t ask me, I just work here.

Iggy leaves the bridge.

Morton: And so begins another glorious day, hour, twilight, etc. aboard the USS Itsame!

Lemmy: Shut up, you stupid android.

Wendy: I sense irritation!

Lemmy hits Morton’s off switch.

Morton: Bloooooooop.

Meanwhile…

Susan: Shut up, Larry.

Larry: But-

Susan: Go away! I’m a doctor, not a babysitter!

Larry: Fine! You won’t have Larry Koopa to kick around anymore!

Larry leaves.

Meanwhile…

Ludwig is snoring at his console.

???: Red Alert! Bweeee! Bweeee!

Ludwig: What the? AHHHH! I’m doomed! I’m doomed!

Larry tiptoes away, giggling.

Meanwhile…

Lemmy stalks around the bridge and turns Morton on again.

Morton: Beep!  Morton Koopa, model 4638.5434. Running Windows ’95… you have need of me, sir?

Lemmy: Uh, uh, nope!

Lemmy runs into his ready room.

Lemmy: Pop, Sugar, Iced.

It appears on the pad and he drinks it.

Meanwhile…

Iggy comes onto the bridge. There are sounds of crashing and screaming from the ready room.

Iggy: Let me guess. He listened to Morton too much, right? Well, am I?

Wendy: I sense annoyance!

Iggy: Councilor, you need not point out the incredibly obvious, the merely obvious will do.

Wendy: I sense annoyance!

Meanwhile…

Lemmy throws his table across the room. Or at least he tries to.

Lemmy: Ow! My back!

Q Flash

Lemmy suddenly appears in a courtroom.

Lemmy: AHHHH! Where am I?

TMS: Hi. I’m Q.

Chu’Mana: Hello. Call me Q.

Smash: Greetings. I am Q too.

Lemmy: What? I’m confused!

All three Q slap their foreheads.

Lemmy: What?

Smash snaps his fingers and is teleported to the Judge’s stand. TMS goes to the prosecution table. Chu’Mana goes to the defense stand.

Smash: Guilty!

Lemmy: But the trial hasn’t started!

TMS: Yes it has. We’ve been watching you and you disappoint us terribly. Shame on you!

TMS shakes his finger at Lemmy.

Chu’Mana: I want an appeal!

Smash: Fine! You will be given three chances to prove that you are not a bumbling idiot. You will go to the first one… now.

Lemmy vanishes in a Q Flash.

Meanwhile…

Iggy: Hm…

Iggy knocks on the door to Lemmy’s room. No one answers. He waits for three hours and then calls the bridge.

Iggy: Lemmy’s been kidnapped again.

All the people on the ship: NOT AGAIN!

Morton: According to my infallible, great, and model 4638.5434 memory banks, this was the 4638 time our captain has been kidnapped, purloined- Blooooop.

Wendy pulls her hand away from Morton’s off switch.

Meanwhile…

Lemmy appears in the middle of a huge mechanical cube. Some half-living, half-machine thingies walk by him.

Lemmy: Whoa, weird blue armor.

Thingy: We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. You will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile.

Lemmy: The Borg? Sounds Swedish.

Nothing happens.

Lemmy: Uh, anyone home?

Lemmy takes out a phaser and fires. One Borg falls down and explodes. The rest turn toward him.

Lemmy:  Oops…

He is vaporized by about 57 laser blasts.

Meanwhile…

Iggy:  So what do we do now that our captain’s gone?

Everyone screams "road trip" for some reason.

Iggy: Okay! Ensign No-Name, set a course to… wherever!

Nick works at his console, but it explodes in his face and vaporizes him.

Iggy: Dang.

Meanwhile…

Ludwig is sleeping. A figure sneaks into his room. Ludwig wakes up.

Ludwig: Where were you? I’ve been…

The figure begins to throttle him.

Ludwig: Gag! Gaaaaa! Glak! Gwah! Gahhhhhh!  Translation:  Ahhh!  What’d I do?)

???: You locked me in the reactor chamber, that’s what! Is that how you treat your Met?

Ludwig: Ack! (Ummm…)

???:  That’s it!

She reels back and punches Ludwig in the jaw. There is a wet crack and he collapses. She steps out into the light.

Karma: Take that! *Looks up* Hey!

Smash (Author): Yes?

Karma: Can I take over here?

Smash: Why?

Karma: Well, because your other engineer is out like a light.

Smash: Sure.

Karma:  Great.  Now, where were we?

Smash:  About two scenes before you shove Morton out the airlock. But for now, you go to sleep.

She does so.

Meanwhile…

Smash (Q): One down, two to go.

TMS: What a wimp. All he had to do was survive for five minutes.

Chu’Mana: Well, it was obviously too hard for him. What now?

Smash: We send him to a test where he’ll have to use his brain. I hope he's up to it. I mean blowing up a planet is too messy. I don’t want to clean up the mess, even if I could do it in a snap.

TMS:  So, what’s his test now?

Smash: Get 10,000 bars of latinum.

Smash snaps his fingers.

Lemmy appears in a big hallway, populated by aliens with huge ears.

Lemmy: What the?

Mewd: Welcome to Ferenginar, Kew-Pa. May I see your ticket or your bribe?

Lemmy flashes a ticket he found in his shell.

Mewd: Hey, this is a ticket to bikini mud wrestling! Hey! Where are you going? Stop thief!

Lemmy runs away.

Meanwhile…

Karma storms into engineering.

Karma: I’m taking over!

Morton: How can you do this, oh Met of my so-called brother, Ludwig von Koopa the First, known in certain circles as Kooky and-

Karma picks up Morton and throws him out the airlock. However, Bob the Extra is in the way. Morton hits him and they both fly out of the airlock. Bob’s head explodes.

Karma: Dang.

Larry: Uh, you’d better be able to get him back. Lemmy was planning to turn him into a pop machine just before he got kidnapped.

Karma: Oh, fine. I’ll do it… somehow.

Meanwhile…

Lemmy ducks into a bar.

Mewd: What’ll it be?

Lemmy: Huh?

Mewd: What are you going to buy? You have to buy something, or you’re going to be thrown out, Kew-Pa.

Lemmy: Okay, fine.

Hours later…

Lemmy stumbles out of the bar, singing something so utterly disgusting that I’m about to throw up just thinking of it. He stumbles into a dumpster and faints.

Later…

Lemmy wakes up naked in a mixture of garbage and gold-press latinum. Apparently a gangster stored their loot there.

Lemmy: Whoohoo! Ow! My head!

Lemmy is suffering from a 50-alarm hangover.

Later…

Lemmy: 9,999 bars of latinum!  I’m rich!

Lemmy drags his bag of cash into a casino, but is kicked out and arrested on account of indecent exposure. However, the Police are stupid on that planet, and Lemmy bribes himself out.

He then drags his cash into another casino, but is kicked out and arrested again.

Much Later…

Lemmy finally gets some clothes and takes what’s left of his fortune into a casino.

Lemmy: Okay, here’s my only bar. What’re the odds?

Mewd: 10,000 to one, Kew-Pa.

Lemmy: Spin that wheel!

Mewd does.

Lemmy: Dabo! I win! Loser!

The Mewd begins to cry.

Mewd: My latinum, my precious latinum! All gone! Wahhhhhhhh!

Lemmy suddenly is Q-Flashed out.

Smash: He did it! Now all you have to do is one more…

Q Flash.

Lemmy appears in a desert.

Meanwhile…

Iggy is lounging about on the bridge.

Iggy: Ahh, this is the life.

Suddenly the bridge shakes violently.

Roy: Shields down 20%! Romulan Warbird decloaking!

Iggy: Hail them.

Specter: Would you like to pray before you die? Or would you like a blindfold?

Iggy: Why did you fire on us?

Specter: You’re in our space. Duh. Fire!

The ship shakes again, throwing two more Ensign No-Names to the floor and breaking both their necks.

(Lemmy: I asked Smash where Mario and Luigi, who are listed as part of the cast, were in this story, and they were the two who just got their necks broken. See, an informed reader is a better reader!)

Roy: Dang.

Iggy:  Get us out of here! Now!

The Itsame suddenly jumps to warp, leaving behind a bit of debris that is picked up by the Romulans.

Specter: What is this?

He hits the on switch.

Morton: Beep!  Morton Koopa, model 4638.5434.  Running Windows ’95… Warning! This ship is not equipped with Windows ’95. Installing now…

Specter:  Oh &&&&…

The Warbird erupts in a blazing inferno.

Meanwhile…

Karma:  ####! There goes Morton, and even more important, my next coffee break!

Larry:  Too bad. Ha!

Karma glares at him.

Larry:  Oops…

He runs off, but not before Karma buries an axe in his shell.

Larry: Ow…

Meanwhile…

Strange people with pointed ears find Lemmy.

Kamek: Take him in.

Magikoopa: Yes sir.

Later…

Kamek: Honored Celeste, we bring you a stranger we found in a desert. It is illogical how he got there.

Celeste: How?

Kamek: He was there. There is no way he could have made it.

Lemmy wakes up.

Celeste: Live long and prosper, Captain Lemmy. Where did you come from?

Lemmy:  I…can’t say…

Celeste: But you must know!

Lemmy: I… do not…

Meanwhile…

Smash: He’s going to lose this one!

TMS: Really? How?

Smash: It’s a test of sincerity. He has to tell the truth. And he knows it.

Meanwhile…

Lemmy is getting smashed again.

Celeste: Careful with that Romulan Ale, Lemmy. It’s our only supply, and it’s illegal. You are not being logical.

Lemmy: Ohhhhh yeahhhhh? *Hic*

Kamek:  It’s not logical to get drunk.

Lemmy: Welll, I-Iiii’ve been through sooo much illllogic…

Celeste: Tell us, please.

Lemmy tells all.

Q Flash.

TMS:  ****! He cheated!

Chu'Mana: But he made it!

Smash: She's right. He did it anyway. We can’t renege. But, I will punish him for his cheating.

Meanwhile…

Lemmy wakes up on the Itsame. Morton is next to him and his off switch is fused into the on position. Endless babble starting...

Lemmy: Oh @@@@!

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