The Koopas Go Shopping

By Wendy

"Do I have to do everything myself?” Bowser grumbled to himself as he headed to the Koopa Lounge, where he knew he would find all the Koopa Kids.  “The servants are all busy today,” he announced.  “So I need one of you to go shopping for me.  Come here, Larry.”

Larry reluctantly came forward.

“Okay, Larry.  I need you to go to the convenience store on Unea Lane and pick up a loaf of bread, a stick of butter, and a container of milk.  Here’s ten gold coins; I trust you to bring home the change,” Bowser said.

Larry nodded, took the coins, and walked out of the room.  Fifteen minutes later, he came back.  He put down the shopping bag and gave Bowser one gold coin.  Bowser took the bag and left.  Two minutes later he was back.

“Larry, this bag is filled with broccoli and tomatoes!” he growled.

Larry shrugged.  “They were in season, not to mention on sale.”

“But I don’t want broccoli and tomatoes!” roared Bowser.  “I wanted a loaf of bread, a stick of butter, and a container of milk!”

He threw down the bag.  Broccoli and tomatoes spilled everywhere.  Horrified, Larry began to gather them up.

“Morton!  Take these ten gold coins, go to the Unea Lane convenience store, and get a loaf of bread, a stick of butter, and a container of milk.  I trust you to bring home the food and the change.  You hear that?  I trust you!” Bowser yelled.

Morton took the money and left.  Half an hour later he returned and handed Bowser ten coins.

“Where’s the food?” Bowser asked testily.

“Well I was telling the sales lady what I wanted and describing each a lot so she would know exactly what I wanted I told her I wanted a loaf of bread as in the amount of sliced white bread that is packaged in one little bag with one twist tie that is made from grain, a stick of butter as in approximately eight tablespoons of a yellow dairy product in the shape of a rectangular prism that is fattier than margarine, and a container of milk as in one half of a gallon of a white liquid that comes out of a cow and has been pasteurized and homogenized and is not yet outdated.  I told her even more than that because I wanted to make sure she gave me the right foodstuffs but she got mad and threw me out of the store and I have no idea why do you?” Morton explained.

Bowser controlled himself.  “Wendy!  My only daughter!  You’re a girl; girls are supposed to be good at shopping and stuff right?  Good!  Go down to the convenience store on Unea Lane and use these ten coins to buy a loaf of bread, a stick of butter, and a container of milk.  Do you have any questions?”

Wendy shook her head, took the money, and left.  One hour later she came back.  She put down a bag and told Bowser that there was no change.

“So far, so good,” Bowser smiled.  “Now, show me the food.”

“What food?” asked Wendy.

“The food that you spent the last hour buying,” Bowser tried to stay calm.  “The loaf of bread, the stick of butter, and the container of milk.”

“Oh, I didn’t buy any of that,” said Wendy.  She pulled her purchase out of the bag and held it up.  “I bought a new hairbow.  What do you think?”

Bowser started to get really annoyed.  “Iggy!  I want you to walk to the convenience store on Unea Lane.  I want you to buy a loaf of bread, a stick of butter, and a container of milk.  I will give you ten gold coins.  Can you do that?”

Iggy nodded, took the money, and left.  Three minutes later he was back.

“I changed my mind,” he told Bowser.  “I can’t do that.  I’m too manly.”

“Roy!  Take these ten coins and buy a loaf of bread, a stick of butter, and a container of milk at the convenience store on Unea Lane.  If you can do this, I will give you a reward.  Okay?” Bowser instructed Roy.

Roy nodded enthusiastically, took the money, and left.  Ten minutes later he came back and handed 15 coins to Bowser.

“I stole some kid’s lunch money,” he said proudly.

“That’s good, but I wanted you to buy a loaf of bread, a stick of butter, and a container of milk!” Bowser screamed.  “Lemmy!  You’re a good, smart, big boy.  Buy a loaf of bread, a stick of butter, and a container of milk at the Unea Lane convenience store with these ten coins for your old dad.  Now think!  Is there any reason at all why you cannot do this?”

“Nope,” said Lemmy.  “I can go shopping.”  He took the money and left the room.  Twenty minutes later he came back.  He came in carrying a bag and gave Bowser two coins.  Bowser was very pleased until he looked in the bag and saw crumbs and an empty container of milk.  He roared with anger.

Lemmy looked in the bag.  “Oops,” was his only comment.

“Ludwig!” Bowser shouted.  “You are my oldest and smartest son, and you like to please me, right?”

Ludwig nodded.

“Good.  Listen carefully.  You will make me very happy if you successfully purchase and bring home a loaf of bread, a stick of butter, and a container of milk from the convenience store on Unea Lane.  Here are ten coins to buy the food.  If you can do this to my satisfaction then I will give you anything you want.  Does that sound fair?”

Ludwig thought a moment.  “This agreement adequately satisfies my desires.  I mean, yes.”

Bowser smiled.  “I have complete faith in you, Ludwig,” he said.

Ludwig took the money and left.  In fifteen minutes he was back.  He gave Bowser three gold coins and showed him the bag.  Inside were a loaf of bread, a stick of butter, and a container of milk.

Bowser did not smile.  “Who packed this bag?” he asked.

“I did,” Ludwig replied.

“Don’t you know that it’s a really bad idea to put the milk on top of the bread?”  Bowser bellowed.

“That is one theory,” Ludwig said.  “I was of the impression that a different method should be considered.”

“But the other way worked just fine!” Bowser cried, throwing the squished bread, flattened butter, and spilled milk in a nearby garbage can.  “No reward, Ludwig!  Now get out of my way, I’m going to go to the store myself!”  He stomped out of the room.

Ten minutes later he came back and reported that the store had closed.  Just then the dinner bell rang.

Wendy sat down.  “Where’s my milk?” she asked.

“What do you mean there’s no butter for my potatoes?” Ludwig shouted to a servant.

“Don’t tell me there’s no bread!” Iggy complained to another servant.  “Get me a sandwich!”

All the Koopalings turned to Bowser.  “You’re supposed to be in charge!  How did you let the kitchen run out of food and not do anything about it?”

Bowser ran screaming from the room.

The End

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